A head shot, he was glancing over his shoulder, his hair a crazy wavy mess, his smile wide and open, his eyes intense. I’d painted the Flyer logo beneath his right shoulder and the number 9 alongside it.
“This is what I feel for you,” I said softly. “This is how I see you.”
“You’re amazing. It’s so…so real.”
The nervous feeling in my gut pressed in and ruined the moment but I knew it was time to come clean about everything. I also knew that the next few minutes were going to challenge us and since we were in such a new relationship I wasn’t sure how he was going to take it.
“I’m leaving for upstate New York tomorrow.”
Fuck me. The words spilled from my mouth before I had a chance to even think about them. About what they meant. About how he was going to react.
“What?”
Gone was the smile and he took a step back, hands shoved into his pants pockets a frown on his face. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
I tried to smile but it was a lame attempt and I could tell I was starting to freak him out. I remembered what Seamus had told me. Focus. Be true to yourself. You deserve love. But you deserve to love yourself more.
Here we were. It was crunch time and I was so nervous I wasn’t sure I could get the right words out.
“I’m going back to college.”
He looked relieved and attempted a smile. “Well, that’s great. I mean it, Georgia..”
“Thanks.”
Shit, girl, just get it out.
“Seamus thinks I’m ready to be on my own again so this is kinda the next step you know? But it means I won’t be here and I don’t know when I’ll see you, I…”
He took a few steps closer until I could reach out and touch him and Lord knows I wanted to. I wanted to bury myself into his embrace and stay there forever.
“What are you trying to say, Georgia? I don’t get why the vibe is off. It almost feels as if you’re saying goodbye.”
I swallowed and forced the rest of the words out. “I need to be able to function on my own, Ben. I need to be able to be healthy on my own before I can even consider giving myself to someone.”
“You’re not being real clear here.” He sounded exasperated and I didn’t blame him. I was fucking this up but good. “Do you love me?” he said roughly.
“Yes.”
“Good answer. Do you want to be with me?”
I nodded. “Yes, but only if…”
“There is no if.” He interrupted. “You don’t get it. I love you too much for fucking if. What the hell kind of word is that anyway? There is only yes or no. I’m not a yo-yo. I’ve stayed away for almost a month because I thought you needed space and now you show up here, you tell me that you choose me…you choose us but now you’re saying if? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You gotta help me out here, Georgia because I’m not getting it.”
“I love you, Ben. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person and it’s because I love you so much that I…” I faltered because the pain was so huge. I didn’t want to lose him and I was terrified he was going to see my decision as a rejection.
“If you love me then what’s the problem? Love is enough. Love has to be enough.”
Sadly, I shook my head. “No, Ben. It’s not. It wasn’t enough for my parents and I can’t be with you in that way until I know that I will never get behind the wheel of a car and,” my voice cracked and dropped to just above a whisper. “And drive it off a bridge. Until I know I would never hurt you.”
He shoved his hands into his pockets, but the anger was gone and a glimmer of hope spread through me so fast I felt faint. I took a moment, knowing these were probably the most important words I would ever speak.
“I want a life with you Ben but I need to learn to live my own life first. I don’t want to be half a person. Not for you. Not for me. We deserve more and I’ve finally realized that.”
“So what are you saying,” he asked quietly taking a step toward me.
“I’m saying that I love you. I’m saying that I chose you but I’m also saying that I need to focus on getting healthy and learning to live with my illness. And I have to learn to do it on my own.”