Tears burned the corners of my eyes and I rapidly blinked them away. God, it was so wrong. Even Kendall had retreated when I spiralled into that black pit of despair. She had no idea what was going on and as crazy as she was, she’d taken a step back because I scared her that much.
Matt was still bitter over Kendall. He’d said she had left when things got rough. That she wasn’t a true friend. And then he’d blamed her for that drug and alcohol fueled weekend when everything had fallen apart. She’d started out partying with me that Friday night but as things heated up and turned sour, she’d left.
The thing of it was, even though what he said was kind of true, I didn’t blame Kendall. Not really. He hadn’t seen me at my worst so he didn’t know just how far I had fallen.
I wasn’t easy. I was dark and twisty. And I was dangerous.
Kendall disappeared for the first few months I’d been in the hospital, calling only a few times and never visiting. There had always been an excuse. Her new job. Some new guy she was banging. A family obligation.
And I got it. I got that what I was, and what I had done, wasn’t easy for most people to handle. Hell, it was hard for Matt and he was my brother.
So how was Ben going to react when I dumped this on him? Did I really want to know the answer? Wasn’t it obvious? He was riding the wave of a shooting star and I…I was just struggling to keep my head above water.
I began to shiver and for a moment everything inside sped up. My heart raced and heat burned, scorching from the inside out. I moaned, hating the way the pieces inside me rattled and shook and moved. It was chaotic and scary.
It was crazy.
Sweat broke out along my forehead, leaving me cold and shaking. Shit, I couldn’t let this escalate. I closed my eyes and concentrated. I reached for the words, the words and melody I needed.
Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same?
I focused on the song, One, by U2. Seamus had suggested this in one of our first sessions. He told me that when things started to get chaotic if I could manage to focus on something that calmed me, it would help.
Music helped. Music had always helped. I heard Bono’s voice. I felt his passion and I let the melody wash over me. It slid inside and got into my head and it pushed the bad parts away.
I’m not sure how long I leaned against the window, chest heaving, skin cold and clammy. But eventually the pieces inside me slowed, they clicked and lined up. My chest relaxed and I was able to breathe easier.
I decided that a run would help.
In the dark and quiet I changed into my gear, grabbed a water bottle and tip toed out of the loft. I’d ran every single morning with Ben and his sister, out along the back country roads near his place and this morning, here, alone, it just wasn’t the same.
Those early runs settled me in a way I couldn’t replicate and even though I ran longer than normal, the demons that knocked hard just wouldn’t quiet. They followed me every step of the way and when I got back to the loft, I was wound tighter than when I’d left.
Matt was still asleep—not surprising, he wasn’t alone—and as the darkness fell into grey, I had a quick shower, took my meds, got dressed and in less than five minutes was out the door.
Joe was just coming on duty and even though I wasn’t in the mood to make small talk, it was hard to avoid his kind eyes. I waved a quick hello, and we chatted for a few minutes about nothing important—he didn’t usually work Saturdays but the weekend guy had called in sick—and then I headed to the parking garage toward the silver BMW that had been the last gift my parents had given me for my eighteenth birthday.
It had been delivered from storage a few days earlier because Matt was tired of lending me his wheels.
Rain was just starting to fall as I pulled into Ben’s driveway. His truck was gone and I parked in his spot, my stomach twisting as I sat staring at the house for way too long.
He wasn’t home, but then what the hell had I expected?
Guys like Ben didn’t spend their Friday nights alone. Guys with money and fame. Guys with eyes that could make any girls heart go crazy. Guys with no ties. No girlfriend.
I was nothing. Not really. It’s not as if we had any sort of defined relationship. In fact all we had were our morning runs and a few hot and heavy make out sessions.