“G?”
I shook my head, wanting to shout, ‘go away’ ‘leave me alone’ but that stupid knot was still there and I didn’t say anything. I just stared at the floor and wished he’d leave because I knew I was going to lose it and I sure as hell didn’t want him to see me crying.
He took a step forward and I shook my head, violently. I don’t know how I managed to speak but I whispered hoarsely. “Why are you back so early?”
“Joe called.”
“Awesome. Now you have Joe watching out for me? Calling you because you don’t trust your fucked up baby sister?”
“No, I had Joe let me know when you came home because I screwed up and I’m sorry, and I was worried about you. I needed to see you, Georgia.”
All my anger deflated at the look in his eyes. My shoulders slumped forward and it took a lot to keep from crying.
“It’s not fair,” I said shakily. “I don’t want to be like this…like her, and it’s not fair.”
“I know.”
For a moment there was silence, each of us lost in our thoughts…our memories. “Nothing happened,” I said eventually. “Between Ben and I.” God, the ache was awful. “A lot of guys would have left when I put the brakes on, but he stayed and we slept together, but nothing happened.”
“I know.”
“I suppose Ben thinks I’m a freak.”
Matt moved toward me and I inched to the left so that there was room for him to slide in beside me. His arms went around my shoulders and I turned to him, shuddering and wheezing as the tightness in my chest moved up to my throat, scrubbing at my face as a tear escaped and slid down my cheek.
“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think that.”
“Did you tell him?” I asked hesitantly, dreading his answer. Did Ben know how truly defective I was?
“No. That’s your deal and you can tell him when you’re ready.”
I heaved a sigh and shifted, my eyes on the floor. “Well, since I doubt I’ll be seeing him anytime soon, I guess I dodged that bullet.”
“He wants to see you, G.”
I turned to Matt in disbelief. “I find that hard to believe, but even if it’s true, you’re okay with that?”
Matt held my gaze. “You’re better now, Georgia, and I’ve got to trust that you’re going to make good decisions. Seamus is helping and you’re taking your meds. You’re not a kid and if Ben Lancaster is important to you, I’m not going to stand in the way.”
What the hell?
“Last week you told him that I was messed up. That I would mess him up.”
“Last week I was an asshole.”
“You got that right.”
He smiled, a sad sort of smile that tugged at my heart. He squeezed my shoulder gently. “I’m proud of you, G. You faced a monster and you’re dealing and I’m just…I’m just grateful we caught it in time. I’m grateful that you’re strong enough. I’m grateful that you’re here.”
Another tear slid from my eye and he wiped it away. “You’re not Mom. I get that now. She never accepted what needed to be fixed but you have, and you deserve to be happy.”
I still wasn’t sure what was happening.
“You just…” he said softly.
“Just what?”
“You need to be honest with him about how you are…how you were, so he knows what he’s getting into.”
That was the surest way to send him running. What twenty-four year old guy with the world at his feet was going to want to deal with me and my problems? I exhaled and glanced up at the ceiling. “He doesn’t want to see me anyway, so you don’t have to worry that I’ll screw up your golden boy. I haven’t heard anything from him since I left.”
“I have.”
A small glimmer of hope erupted inside me. It flushed hot and wove through my body, tingling where it touched. I squirmed and raised my eyebrows. “What are you saying?”
Matt grinned. “Look. He was pissed when he came back from his run and you were gone. Pissed, and then worried, and then he made it clear to me that he was going to continue to see you if it’s what you wanted. He’s not a pussy that’s for sure and I could tell that he was really into you. I could tell that he meant what he said.”