“Fair enough.”
“Some of it makes sense. But the professor’s big theory is that our culture defines a woman’s body as a void which needs filling. She thinks that idea is responsible for all kinds of evils: the wage gap, underrepresentation in seats of power…” Bella dropped her legs to the bed and pushed her cheek into the pillow. The girl had no idea what it did to me to see her all splayed out like that — her curvy body like a landscape on the bed.
“But you don’t think that sounds right?” I asked, still trying to stay on topic.
“I’m sure she’s right about a lot of things. But every time I lay down on this bed lately, I’m feeling a lot of sympathy for the void which needs filling.” Her eyes cut over to me. “Celibacy isn’t easy. I’m supposed to be writing a paper about female subjugation. But all I want is for someone to give me a good pounding.”
Jesucristo. I let out the world’s most strangled laugh. The picture she’d just put into my head was not very academic.
“I’m a failed feminist,” Bella complained.
“Nah. You’re your own brand of feminist. And there’s your paper topic.”
She grinned. “I’m pretty sure the professor would flunk me if she could see inside my brain. Today it’s like ninety percent sexual positions, nine percent food and one percent homework.”
Was it hot in here? I was going to have to go back downstairs to study if we didn’t talk about something else. “Let’s see if we can get that homework percentage up a little bit. Urban Studies, for example.”
Bella sat up. “Fine. Let’s talk Urban Studies. I really need to get out of my head.”
And I needed to cool off. I yanked my backpack into my lap, practically ducking for cover. I pretended to search for something inside, though all I really needed was a way to disguise the tent I was pitching in my pants.
“Your notebook is here,” Bella said, lifting it off the floor.
“Ah, right.” I grabbed it as if that had been my goal the whole time.
“Name all the food businesses you can think of. Go.”
“Dominican restaurant.”
Bella giggled. “How ever did you come up with that one?”
“Everyone’s a critic. Okay — grocery store. Wine shop. Sushi place. Bella, this isn’t going to get us anywhere. Except now I’m starving.”
She looked up from her own notebook. “Didn’t you eat dinner?”
“Of course I did. But that was hours ago.”
“Boys.” She shook her head. “They’re always hungry.”
“Pretty much,” I sighed. Though there were several kinds of hunger. And I was feeling more than one of them at the moment.
Bella smiled at me right then, and it broke my heart a little bit. Because I wanted to see her smile. And it felt really damned selfish to want other things, too.
“Is there another wine shop in that neighborhood?” she asked. “That sounds like a high-margin business. And it doesn’t need as much floor space as a grocery store.”
“I’ll look it up,” I said, reaching for my laptop.
On Monday, Alison emailed the rest of the tiny Beaumont Urban Studies team, informing us that it was time to hold a meeting. I let Bella and Dani reply to the email first, and both of them agreed to meet. So I grudgingly agreed, too.
Bella had chosen the location — the creaky little Beaumont library. So at least the commute was short. Bella knocked on my door a few minutes before the meeting. “Your girlfriend’s message said that she wanted to outline the tasks at hand and ready herself for the challenge,” Bella said. “Does she always sound that constipated?”
“Ex-girlfriend,” I corrected. Alison had always been a little formal. I didn’t really trust myself to give an opinion right now, because there was probably nothing Alison could say today that wouldn’t irritate me.
My anger at her was still fresh. Whenever I saw her across the dining hall or the Urban Studies lecture hall, it always took me back to that awful moment when Mr. Rolex appeared. I got all kinds of angry when I thought of that night — and not just at Alison. I was pissed off at myself, too. Because I knew things hadn’t been quite right with her. There had been so many little signs, and I’d ignored them all.
Next time, I’d be more careful with my trust.
“Earth to Rafe.” We were standing in front of the library, but I’d been too deep inside my head to notice. Bella put both hands on my shoulders. “Are you okay? Do you want me to tell her that you were too busy to come to her little planning session?”