“She would hate me for this.” I released the saddle straps and took Amarinda by the hand instead. “But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I’m going to try my best, and I still have some options. But if things go badly, and they might, then don’t be sad for me.” She looked away, but she needed to understand that I intended to bring this war to an end. One way or another, I would soon be at peace, which was all I had ever wanted. “Imogen will meet me in the afterlife. My family will be there too, and Mott if I don’t get him those medicines.”
When he spoke, the muscles on Fink’s face became pinched and knotted. “What about me? You’re the only family I’ve got.” His tone nearly stopped me then. He’d already gone through believing me to be dead once. I hated to make him endure that again.
I released Amarinda, and then reached for my sword, which I had left propped against a tree. I told Fink to hold out his hands, and into them I placed my sword.
“Take care of this,” I said. “You’re a knight of Carthya, remember? This sword belongs to you now.”
“Only until you come back.” He lowered the sword to his side, then said, “Come back, please. I don’t want to be alone again.”
“I promise to try. But even if I don’t, you’ll always have Amarinda and Tobias.”
“Tobias lectures too much.” Fink closed his eyes tight and shook his head. “Besides, I need you.”
“All of Carthya needs you,” Amarinda added.
“Then let me do what I must to save it.” I finished preparing the horse, but before I could climb on, Amarinda put a hand on my arm.
“Your family would be proud of who you’ve become,” she whispered. “They would’ve given everything to see what a great leader you are.”
“They did give everything.” I sighed as their faces passed through my mind. “Whatever happens next, never let it be said that I failed my father. Tell the people I did everything I could.”
“They already know it. Come back to us, Jaron.”
“If you die, I’ll tell the saints not to let you in,” Fink said irritably. It was nearly what I had told him while we were stranded on the cliff.
I answered that he’d better hope the saints did let me in, or who else would take care of him in the afterlife one day? I smiled when I said it, but Fink only stuck his jaw forward, similar to the way I did when I was being stubborn. Then I kissed Amarinda’s cheek and climbed onto the horse. Before I left, I turned back to them and said, “If Tobias becomes king of this land, then don’t let him touch my sword. He’ll hurt somebody with it, and not in the good way either.”
I rode off without looking back, and paused only once, at the edge of the forest. The camp that had been mine only hours ago now displayed Avenian colors, and was alive with crackling fires and the smell of stew. The shadows of soldiers at vigil duty frequently crossed in front of the fires, and orders were being shouted to situate everyone within the camp for the night. I got a distant look at my tent, lit from within by lanterns. Perhaps Vargan was in there, maybe Conner as well.
Amarinda’s question echoed in my head, of what Imogen would say if she were here. She’d be furious, no doubt. And then I’d remind her that it wasn’t much different from what she had done for me. Sacrificing oneself so that others might live was the ultimate act of love.
That was what Mott had wanted me to understand, and now I did. Of all emotions, none were more powerful than love. The irony was that if he knew my plans, Mott would rise from his bed and crawl here to stop me. If he knew what I was about to do, not the devils nor death itself could keep him away.
Reminded of him now, and the urgency of time, I pressed forward. But the memories of how Vargan’s men had treated me before were still fresh in my mind, like tender scars that would soon be torn apart into new wounds. It would be worse this time, and the thought of it made my hands shake so hard that it was difficult to keep hold of the reins. I cursed at my cowardice and told myself this was the last hope we had. Even knowing that, I still had to force my legs to prod the horse onward.