Plus there was a wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses for the rest of us to buy, not to mention flowers and a bouquet for Layla. At one point I had to reach back into the back seat of the Escalade and pull Layla off of Jesse to find out what flowers she liked more. I was more amused than annoyed. Jesse hadn’t let Layla get more than a few inches away from him all morning. Poor Layla was going to be brain dead before the wedding even took place because he was depriving her of oxygen the way he continued to kiss her.
I watched Lucy as she gave her sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law a disgusted grimace. She was still a little dazed from all the excitement. After getting home from her first sleepover she had been rushed into the third row of the Escalade and told Layla was getting married. She seemed both happy and frightened at the same time. I couldn’t blame her. In her young life she had been tossed upside down more than her fair share—the death of her mother, moving in with a sister she didn’t know, then moving next door to a bunch of rowdy rock stars. Now her world was changing even more with the addition of a brother-in-law and another move—even if the move was a mere two houses down.
I felt her fears because I had been having some of my own for the last five days. Why couldn’t Nik be happy with the way things were? Most men in the world would be ecstatic if their girlfriend told them that they didn’t want marriage.
But Nik did. He wanted it more than I have ever known him to want anything.
Marriage wasn’t something I was ready for. At least that was what I kept telling myself. Besides, I knew that I was going to love Nik for the rest of my life. Just as I knew that given the chance I would have at least one more child with him. Marriage on the other hand…it kind of terrified me in a way nothing else had. Even motherhood didn’t scare me as bad as the thought of marriage did.
Maybe it was because marriage meant that things were going to change again. I wasn’t good with change. It had rarely been a good thing for me. Moving to Ohio from West Virginia at the age of five had been good in that I had met the guys. But that all changed when the band had signed on with Rich as their manager and a record label had picked them up. The years without them had been bleak to say the least. When I had found out I was pregnant, I worried that I would lose Jesse, Drake, and Shane—three of the most important people in my life. I hadn’t been able to face a reality where they weren’t right down the hall on a daily basis.
Having Mia had brought a change that had been all on me. I had changed to the point that for a few weeks I didn’t even recognize myself. I was still struggling a little with it, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been.
Yet even having lost myself couldn’t compare to the fear of losing what I could possibly lose if I got married—Nik. I was sure that I would lose Nik if I married him. That fear was so acute, so fucking strong that I could taste my fear when I let myself think about it. I could face letting Jesse, Drake, and Shane living their own lives. I could handle losing myself in the fog of postpartum depression.
But I wouldn’t survive if I lost Nik…
Nik pulled to a stop in front of the hotel, and I rushed everyone through check-in. The next few hours were crazy, busy, and I will admit a little fun. Between Layla, Lana, and even Lucy I was hard pressed not to find something to laugh about.
It wasn’t until we were in the chapel with Layla and Jesse exchanging their vows that my mind started racing. Something Nik had said before we had left the house kept nagging at me. I just hope that one day what we have will seem too little and you will want more with me. Was that what he really thought?
The more I thought about it the faster my heart raced. I watched Layla and Jesse, tears in their eyes as they pledged to love each other for the rest of their lives. Hadn’t I already done that with Nik in my heart? Wasn’t I his wife in my soul already?
I glanced down at the ring that sat so perfectly on my left hand. I hadn’t been able to take it off, not even at night. I couldn’t stand to sleep in jewelry and felt tangled and restrained even when wearing earrings. So why hadn’t I taken off the ring?
Because under all the fear, I wanted to marry Nik.
I nearly laughed out loud at how stupid I had been acting. Marrying Nik wouldn’t cause me to lose him, but not marrying him might!
A new fear twisted in my stomach. What if Nik decided that my not wanting to marry him meant I didn’t love him? That to me our relationship wasn’t important enough to me to take it to the next level?
Jesse and Layla were halfway down the aisle, their hands already all over each other as they walked, before I snapped out of my stupor. Nik was standing there, his hand out to me so I could walk down the aisle with him after our friends. Tears filled my eyes and I threw myself into his waiting arms.
“I’m sorry!” I pushed back enough to look up at him, hoping that he could see how much I loved him shining through my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Nik. I love you. I want to get married.”
Behind me Jesse joked and I only half listened. My attention was focused on Nik, watching as his eyes filled with tears and a smile lifted his kissable lips. “Will you marry me, Nik?”
He laughed and it was then that I realized that I would never have to fear losing Nik. “Yes, Emmie. I’ll marry you.”
--
Mia was sound sleep when I got out of the shower. Nik was relaxed on the bed with the remote in one hand flipping through the channels, looking for the scores of the college football games he had missed today. While he was distracted, I took my time looking at the man that was going to be my husband in a little over a year; we had already set the date.
Having showered after I put Mia down for the night in the crib provided by the hotel, Nik had only bothered with putting a pair of boxers on. His free hand was lying on his stomach and his blue eyes were half-closed in relaxation. I was hoping to un-relax him in the next few minutes.
“How did the Buckeyes fare today?” I asked, untying the gray silk robe I had picked up while shopping for Layla’s wedding dress earlier.
“Haven’t seen their scores yet.” Nik tossed the remote aside, bored with the television, before finally raising his eyes to me.
When that blue gaze landed on my red teddy, his eyes dilated with passion and I watched as his boxers suddenly became a tent from the erection he instantly got. My nipples tightened in response to his instant reaction to me. It had been so long since I felt his hands on me, and I was aching for them right now.
“Wh-what’s this?” he asked in a voice so gravely with desire it sounded almost animalistic.