She’s never been good at handling things that don’t fit into her world. And rebel-runaway Callie fits about as well as lone-Goth Callie did.
“We could get a hotel room,” Seth suggests as we pull into town. “And keep the vacation going.”
“Or at least avoid going home,” Luke mutters, grumpily.
It’s late, the trees in the park are flashing with lively red twinkly lights, and there’s a huge inflatable Santa at the entrance welcoming us to town. Kayden has been really quiet the entire drive, staring out the window, lost in his thoughts and it makes me sad. Luke has been silent too, chain smoking the entire drive and Seth has been equally as bad.
I glance at Kayden, wondering what he thinks of the hotel idea, but all he does is stare out the window. “I feel like if I go to hotel then I’m running away from my problems,” I say. “I should probably go home and face the wrath of my mom.”
“Why?” Seth asks, surprising me. I gape at him as smoke snakes from his lips and he takes out the cigarette and sticks his hand out the window, scattering ash into the street as he grazes his thumb across the end. “Callie, I hate to say this”—his brown eyes flick to Luke, then to Kayden, before he leans in and whispers—“but until you can tell your mom, and you-know-who will officially no longer be showing up at your house, it might be good for you to stay away from there. Stop torturing yourself.”
I press my lips together as he leans back. “I’m don’t torture myself,” I mumble.
“You don’t?” Seth flicks his cigarette out the window and then rolls it up. Luke’s truck is really old and doesn’t have automatic windows so Seth’s arm fights against the tension in the handle.
Kayden glances at me with a frown on his face. “Seth’s right,”
he agrees quietly.
I think about all the times I spent wishing I could just shrink into a ball, maybe become invisible, maybe disappear altogether.
But if I could have just broken Caleb’s hold over me, maybe I would have escaped from the tortuous years I spent locked away, living inside myself. Could I do it? Just free myself? Do I have that kind of power? I really don’t have to go back unless I want to. I can go back when I’m ready to confess. “All right, let’s get a hotel room.” It’s such a simple conclusion, yet it took me forever to get to it.
I don’t have to go back home until I’m ready. I have choices, power, freedom. I can sever the ties with the things that hurt me.
You can do this. I can do anything if I want to. I just have to choose to do it. Suddenly, I can breathe freely again. I’m smiling and Seth and Luke are looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.
Kayden glances at me, a forced grin at his lips. “Sounds good.”
I offer him a smile, wondering why he’s acting so upset.
Everything had been okay when we left the beach house, at least I thought so. I lean into him and whisper, “Are you okay?”
He nods, giving me a puzzled look. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know,” I say, eyeing the sadness in his eyes. “You look sad.”
“Well, I’m not. I promise.” He returns his attention to the window and my heart sinks in my chest, knowing there’s something he’s not telling me. But I don’t want to press him in front of Luke and Seth, so I keep quiet.
Ten minutes later we’re checked into a motel room with two queen-size beds, a retro décor, and air smelling of mildew. Seth and Luke start arguing about the sleeping arrangement and I take the opportunity to talk to Kayden about what’s bothering him.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, sinking down on the bed beside him.
He nods, fiddling with the remote, even though the television isn’t on. “Yeah, I’m fine. I already told you that.”
“But you’ve been so quiet,” I say. “You’ve barely said a word since we left California.”
“I’m just tired.” He drops the remote down on the nightstand and stares out the window. He does look really exhausted, but I don’t think that’s the real reason. Like he senses my doubts, he places his hand on my knee and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Callie, stop worrying. I’m okay.”
“Okay,” I say quietly and then get up from the bed to use the restroom. I lock the door and sit down on the edge of the bathtub.
I don’t really have to use the bathroom; I just needed to gather myself. The urge to make myself throw up is rising inside me and I really want to give into it, because it’s been a while and I’m really stressed out about Kayden and about telling my mom. I start bouncing my knees as I breathe through my nose and count to ten, reminding myself that I’m strong. That I can live life without making myself purge.
It takes me a while, but about ten minutes later, I calm down and walk out of the bathroom, surprised to find Luke on one bed and Seth on the other watching television and Kayden is nowhere to be seen.
“Where’d Kayden go?” I ask, walking between the two beds.
They both look up at me, blinking their eyes, and then they gaze around the room. Seth sits up with his brows furrowed. “Huh?
I didn’t hear him leave.”
Luke yawns. “He went to get his bag out of the back of the truck,” he tells me. “But he’s been out there for a few minutes.”
Panic surges through me as I round the foot of the bed and draw back the curtain. The neon VACANT sign lights up the parking lot where the truck is parked down below, snow falling on the hood and roof. I can’t see Kayden anywhere, but I tell myself he has to be coming up the stairs, which are out of my view.
Slipping on my shoes, I run out the door.