"And you're my favorite sister." He said with humor.
"I'm your only sister." I quipped back at him.
"See, there you go." He said with a well-meaning chuckle.
I smiled softly loving the solid presence of my brother beside me. Tiredness overcame me and I gave up to it as I relaxed for the first time in a long time. I'd faced the worst and still come through it alive with my brother by my side. Things were working out after all.
*****
I slept most of the long flight across the country to California, where we boarded the overseas flight to New Guinea. It was Keko's turn to sleep then, but I was wide awake with nothing to do.
I glanced at my brother and grinned when I saw that he was slightly drooling. I got a napkin and dabbed at the corner of his mouth slightly. He would be so embarrassed to know this was happening.
I studied him as he slept. My brother was a handsome man and everywhere he went women turned their heads, but none had ever snared anything more than a passing fancy as a dinner companion or someone to see a show with.
I'd asked him why he didn't settle down, when he had his pick of anyone he wanted along with the money that came with being a rising world-class surgeon. He'd said that he was waiting for the right one.
I wished I'd done that, but that would've meant being with a man. I didn't know about that yet. Maybe it would happen.
I was twenty-eight. If I wanted children I had better start thinking about it.
I wasn't sure I wanted children. I'd had such a mixed up childhood. My own mother had been a flop at the job of raising a family and in some ways I thought I'd do little better than her if given the opportunity, at least that was my fear.
I didn't want to mess up my kids like that. Better not to have any then, but I couldn't help how alone I felt. I wasn't going back to the kind of relationships that I had escaped from though.
Shamefully I admitted to myself that it was still a temptation that I struggled against. I made up my mind then as to something.
I glanced out my window at the dark of the night passing by. The next time, if there was a next time it would be with a man and it would be for keeps like it was supposed to be.
Slowly I whispered out, "I make that a promise to you God! I solemnly swear, but please as much as I don't want to be alone in life I also don't want to surrender to a man and experience his touch and control over me. Help me change! I want to change! I need to change! I will change!" I finished resolutely, as I addressed maybe perhaps the first prayer I'd said in years to my Creator, who in large part I had hoped had completely forgotten me and my sin.