Realm’s mouth stops at my ear, panting wildly. I realize that I’m on my back, staring at the ceiling as tears leak from the corners of my eyes. Realm’s hand slides away from my breast, and he turns me toward him.
“You don’t want this,” he says, sadness in his voice. “You still love him.”
His words startle me, but I don’t argue. He’s put a name to the emotion raging inside of me. I know suddenly that I do love someone. Someone else.
Realm tries to laugh it away, shaking his head. “God,” he says. “He’s such a dick, too.” Realm lies next to me, shoulder to shoulder, as we both gaze up at the wooden-beamed ceiling.
“It’s James, isn’t it?” I ask softly, not sure what to do now.
“Yep,” Realm answers. “You love him. Always have. And not being with him is confusing. You may not remember him, but your heart does.” Realm turns his face toward me. “I wanted to be the one to make you happy, but you’ll always be his.”
I swallow hard, not disbelieving it, but not understanding it either. Loneliness crawls over me. “No,” I say. “That part of my life is over. I don’t think he feels that way about me. At least not anymore.”
“He does.” Realm sighs. “He definitely does.”
“Was it because of Brady?” I ask, thinking it’s the clear explanation. “Is that why James was with me, because my brother died?”
“No. You loved each other. I believe the word you used was ‘madly.’” He pauses. “You’ve always loved each other. You always will.”
I lie next to Realm, half-naked on his floor, as he tells me that I love someone else—something I can’t remember, but something I can feel. The frustration I came in with eases, although the headache is still there.
“And my headache?” I ask.
“Your brain is repairing itself. That one memory you had cracked the smooth sequence of events they placed in therapy. Your mind knows something is wrong. Now it’s slowly binding back together. Let’s just be glad it was one memory, and not all of them.”
I look sideways at him, wondering if he truly believes that I’m better this way. “Why don’t you want me to remember everything?” I ask. “What could I have told you that was so awful that it’s worth living like this?”
Realm smiles sadly. “Some things are better left in the past. For all our sakes.” Tears run from his eyes then, and I think about what I’ve done to him tonight, how I’ve wronged him.
“So if I have these feelings about James, where does it leave you?”
“In love with a girl who loves another. Very Shakespearean, if you ask me.”
I lean into him, putting my hand over his heart and wishing I could care about him in the same way. But even now, even when James is still so far away from me, I know that I can’t love Realm. He’s not mine.
We settle in next to each other, the coals in the fireplace burning out. “The guy that died,” I say quietly. “He said the epidemic is spreading to adults.” Realm tenses. “What happens if that’s true?” I ask.
“You shouldn’t worry about things like this so soon after treatment,” he says. “You should be focusing on recovery, listening to your handler when he warns you of—”
It occurs to me that I haven’t told him about Kevin. “Realm,” I say. “They pulled Kevin off my recovery.”
He looks over at me immediately. “When did that happen?”
“Yesterday.”
Realm swears under his breath but then apologizes. “Don’t worry,” he says. “I’ll check into it. I’m sure you’re just too damn healthy to need a handler or something.”
He lies back, but I notice a crease between his eyebrows as he stares away. I trust him to find out what happened. I think then that I should get up, put my shirt on at least, but instead we stay like this for a long time, not saying anything else.
• • •
It’s nearly three a.m. when I get back out to the car, my headache little more than a dull throbbing now. I’d thought Realm would ask me to stay the night, but then he reminded me that my parents would probably report it if they woke up to find me missing. I didn’t want to leave, though. I liked the freedom of being off the grid, if even for a few hours. No one watching me—dissecting my movements. Tomorrow I might have a new handler to face, or at the very least, I’ll have to face my parents. I’ll have to face James.
Just then my phone vibrates in my pocket, and I smile, thinking it’s Realm, who wouldn’t give me his number but took mine. But when I look at the message, my heart skips a beat. It’s James.
“Don’t read it, Sloane,” I tell myself, dropping it onto the passenger seat before turning up the radio. I’m finally feeling decent for the first time in a while, and I don’t need him screwing it up. I make it through one light before picking the phone back up and checking it.
ARE YOU OKAY? FOR YES, FOR NO.
Idiot. I ignore him, continuing to drive home, thinking about what Realm said. That sometimes it’s better not to know. Maybe I should believe him. He has no reason to lie to me.
In my lap my phone buzzes with another message.
I’M IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE. COME OUTSIDE.
What is he doing at my house? I pull to the side of the road to type back a reply. A bitchy one. NOT HOME. JUST LEAVING REALM’S.
The minute I write it I want to take it back, the spike of guilt slamming me hard. Realm said that I’d loved James. Not just that he was my boyfriend, but that I loved him “madly.” I look at my phone, but it’s silent. I hate myself right now.
ON A ROMANTIC STORMY NIGHT? I’M SURE THAT DIDN’T GIVE HIM THE WRONG IDEA.
I groan. THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T CARE? First he pushes me away, and then has the nerve to—
I DON’T. NIGHT.
It’s like the bottom drops out, leaving me sick to my stomach. But I know what it is now—the emotion. Should I tell James about our past? Does he even deserve to know that we’d had a relationship?
I glance at the clock. It’s late, and I decide to shut off my phone, blocking James out of my life. I have to stay away from him. He’s toxic to me. And I don’t want to go back to The Program. I could never get through it again. So I pull back out onto the wet streets and find my way home, sneaking in without my parents ever hearing a thing.