“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says. “It’s just that I’m friends with Evan, but I didn’t know him before The Program. I’m just curious as to how it changes people. How it changed you.”
“I wouldn’t really know, now would I, Liam?” I ask. The fact that he’s curious about me makes me feel like a zoo exhibit. I stand up and back away.
“Wait,” Lacey says. “Where are you going?”
I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m overwhelmed and confused. I shoot a glance in Kevin’s direction and see him chatting with another handler. I take it as my cue.
“It’s hot in here,” I say. “I’m going to get some air.” And then before she can argue, I walk away, careful to blend into the crowd so that Kevin won’t try to stop me. I don’t want him to see me this frazzled—he’ll be able to tell I’m not medicated. I want a second to gather myself, and then I’ll have Kevin take me home. I just want to think.
I slip out the back door and onto the wooden patio. When I don’t see anyone, I walk to the railing and exhale, closing my eyes. For the first time since arriving home, my emotions threaten to drown me. Dr. Warren had warned me about this—I’m overstimulated. It’s like my body is revolting against me, and I press the heel of my palm to my forehead, willing myself to calm down. There is no threat. My feelings are just screwed up—resetting. I should have taken that white pill.
Just then I hear the sound of the door and I spin around, expecting Kevin. But I still when I see that it’s Liam.
“I’m sorry,” he says, shrugging. “Lacey said you were mad and that I needed to come out and apologize.”
I stare back at him, wondering if he knows that admitting someone made you apologize takes the sincerity out of it. “It’s fine,” I say, more out of politeness that really meaning it.
A crooked smile crosses his lips. “You know, I was worried you’d come back as some kind of zombie.”
My stomach lurches, and I steady myself on the porch railing. “What do you mean by that?” I ask. Did Liam know me? Had we been friends before and now I’m standing here, like an idiot, not remembering?
Liam shakes his head. “Don’t get upset,” he says. “You’re going to get me in trouble.” He looks around before stepping back from me. A tear streaks down my cheek.
“Stop it,” he says, pointing at me. “What the hell is wrong with you? If they see you like this, they’ll send us both to The Program.”
“But I don’t understand,” I say, wiping hard at my face. “Do you know me?”
“No, you freak!” he snaps, backing toward the doorway. “And don’t tell anyone that I do. Just stay away from me. I told Evan I didn’t want to come here again.”
My chest heaves with the start of a cry when someone walks over from the farside of the patio. I hadn’t seen him sitting there. He leans his shoulder against the wall, not far from the door. “I’m sure you don’t mean to be so rude,” he tells Liam, looking him over. “Unless, of course, you’re depressed or something.”
“Stay out of this, James,” Liam says, looking unsure of his path to the door now that the other guy is so close.
The guy raises his eyebrow at the mention of his name but doesn’t say anything about it. Instead he takes out his phone, scrolling through it. “I could send an anonymous note,” he says. “Alerting them to your condition.”
Liam’s face pales. “Don’t do that, man. I’m not sick. You can’t—”
“I can’t what?” James asks with a smile. “I’m pretty sure I can.”
“Look,” Liam says, sounding authentically sorry for the first time. “I don’t want to do this again with you. And I don’t want any trouble. She’s all yours.” Liam holds out his hands as if he’s offering me to this stranger.
I scoff, letting him know that I’m not his to give.
“I didn’t say I wanted her,” James says from the wall. “I was just making an observation.”
Liam studies him for a second, as if checking to see if he’s telling the truth, but then he slowly turns his head from side to side. “That’s right,” he says mostly to himself. “You don’t remember either.” Liam looks alarmed and darts for the door.
James swallows hard, but doesn’t outwardly seem thrown off by Liam’s words. And then before another threat can be given, Liam hurries inside, not even looking back at us.
My heart is still racing in my chest, and when I turn to thank James for sticking up for me, he pushes off the wall and heads for the door.
“Thank you,” I call after him. He pauses for a second, his hand on the doorknob. But he doesn’t turn to me.
“You shouldn’t let yourself cry,” he murmurs quietly. “Once you start . . .” He doesn’t finish his words and instead sighs heavily. And then he goes back inside, leaving me alone in the darkening night.
CHAPTER THREE
WHEN I FINALLY PULL MYSELF TOGETHER, I GO BACK inside the Wellness Center. It seems too loud, too alive, and I find the couch empty, both Liam and Evan now gone. Kevin is at the wall, talking with Lacey. When I approach, he quickly straightens and walks toward me.
I tell Kevin I’m ready to leave, and then say good-bye to Lacey before turning and heading toward the exit. The crowd in the room is suffocating me as I try not to think about what happened on the patio. Try not to think that Liam might have known me before. He called me a freak.
I notice the guy from outside, James, but he doesn’t acknowledge me when I pass. I want to thank him again, but Kevin appears at my side, leading me away.
As we reach the parking lot, Kevin stops me next to his van. “Sloane,” he says quietly, his face showing concern. “Are you feeling all right?”
My lips part to answer. I don’t want to lie, but I’m scared of telling the truth. When I pause, Kevin furrows his brow. “Look,” he says. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I think if I do it’ll help you to trust me more.” He waits a beat as if trying to decide if he should. “I was assigned to you for a reason,” he whispers.
I lift my gaze to meet his. “What reason?”
Kevin looks me over and then shakes his head. “Wait, you didn’t take your pill, did you? I can see the panic in your expression.”