Stunned, I lower my eyes, Realm’s harsh words stinging. I move to get up but he reaches quickly for my hand.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean that. Please don’t go. I’m just frustrated, Sloane.” He stops talking, and when I finally look up again, he exhales. “Sorry,” he repeats, sliding his fingers from mine. “Let’s just change the subject, okay?”
I don’t have anywhere else to go, so I sit back down. “Whatever,” I say. Realm is always so accepting of The Program, so ready to let them take his past. But that’s not me. I don’t want to change.
Realm scoots over on the bed, patting the blanket. “Will you sit with me?” he asks. I nod, and move to put my knee on the bed, climbing up next to him.
“It’s going to be okay,” he says softly. “It’s almost over.”
I stare at him, the air seeming to rush out of me. “Is that all I have to look forward to? The point where I’m empty?”
He smiles sadly. “It won’t hurt anymore once you forget. It’s the only thing that can save us now.” He bends to rest his forehead against mine, whispering. “We can’t go on like this. You have a huge hole here.” He puts his palm over my heart, and the touch is intimate and almost comforting. It’s not butterflies or romantic—I don’t have those feelings for him. But it’s a touch that makes me feel human. Alive.
“I don’t know if I can make it,” I say, closing my eyes.
“You can. You’ve made it this far. And hell, you’re not dead, right?” He moves back and takes my chin, making me look at him. “Now I want you to hold me,” he jokes, curling me against him as we lie back against the pillows.
“It’s lucky that we were both here,” he continues as he begins to play with my hair. “Otherwise I’d have to snuggle with Nurse Kell.”
I laugh, putting my hand on his chest, over his heart. I’m surprised by how fast it’s beating. “You nervous?” I ask.
“Well, I am in bed with a pretty girl. I think this sort of reaction is beyond my control.”
I sit up, and Realm shifts to lie flat on the bed. I get on my elbow and look down at his face. The black under his eye has faded, and his skin looks healthier than it did the first time I met him. The scar around his neck is healed, and I wonder how old it is. I trace my index finger over the raised pink line, and he holds his breath, his dark eyes meeting mine.
“Does it still hurt?” I ask.
Realm licks his lips but is slow to answer. “Every day.”
I pause, my finger under his chin. “Me too,” I respond.
Realm reaches to draw me closer, and I don’t pull away. I’m so lonely, so broken that I don’t think I’ll ever be fixed. Being with someone could make me forget for a while. Realm’s been good to me. He’s my friend.
But as he leans forward, something inside of me seizes up. Just when his mouth meets mine, I turn away, making his lips brush my cheek instead. “I can’t,” I murmur. Realm is not my boyfriend. He’s not James.
I close my eyes and lower my head to his chest, hugging him and hoping he won’t send me away. I don’t want to be alone right now. Realm immediately starts to apologize, but I stop him.
“It’s not you. I’m . . . I’m with James,” I tell him, not sure if it’s cruel to say. “I love him.”
Realm adjusts his position, but doesn’t push me aside. Instead he wraps me in a hug. “I understand,” he whispers.
“I’m going to find him again,” I say, mostly to myself. “The Program can’t erase James from my heart. I know they can’t.”
“If it’s meant to be . . . ,” Realm says, sounding like my mother. But underneath, I hear his hurt. I don’t respond and just let him hold me, knowing that I shouldn’t be here like this. But no one ever comes in to make me go back to my room. And when I start to fall asleep, I think that my guilt is gone—if only for a moment.
I’ve become comfortably numb.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I WAKE UP AND LOOK AROUND AT THE STARK WHITE walls. I’m alone in my bed, alone in my room. After falling asleep at Realm’s, I woke up at about three in the morning and made my way back to my own bed, feeling empty.
When I walk into the dining room, Realm is waiting at the table for me, a stupid grin on his face. His friends whistle as I walk up wearing my lemon-yellow scrubs, holding a tray of scrambled eggs. Realm elbows Shep in the chest. “Get out of here, man.” But the smile never falters.
“What’s going on?” I ask when I’m sitting next to him. I don’t care if they’re gossiping about me—not really. At least that way they won’t try to hit on me. And after Roger, I hope no one ever does again.
Realm shrugs. “They may have noticed a girl going into my room with me last night. If they figured out it was you, and thought we got it on, it’s not my fault.”
“You didn’t deny it?”
“Nope. And it’s still not my fault. You should have worn a disguise if you didn’t want to be noticed.” Realm reaches over and opens my milk carton for me, and then absently goes back to his eggs. I stare down at the milk, thinking that opening it was a sweet gesture, even if slightly possessive.
“I meant to ask,” I say, “how much longer do you have here?”
Realm pauses, but doesn’t look up. “Two weeks. And you’ll have a week and a half after that.”
Panic starts to pull at me, making it hard to breathe. “A week and a half is a long time.” My voice cracks, and I’m suddenly terrified of being here alone. Being all alone with nobody but the stranger with my face. And Roger—who is definitely pissed now.
“Sweetness,” Realm says. “It’s going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I whisper. “I’ll forget everything. And then Roger—what about him? What will he do when I can’t fight him off ?”
Realm’s posture changes. “Roger won’t mess with you again. I promise. I won’t let him.”
“You won’t be here.”
Realm looks sideways at me, his expression deadly serious. “I’m giving you my word that I won’t let him. I don’t care what I have to do, he’ll never touch you again.” He sounds like he means it. Although I’m scared something might happen to him, Realm just smiles, making my worry evaporate.