“Maybe you don’t even realize it,” she said after a moment, her voice quiet. “But I see it. I get—”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re seeing.” I whipped around, chest rising heavily. “It has nothing to do with her—with Alex! It has nothing to do with you.”
Closing her eyes, she shook her head as she turned her cheek, and there was a second where I realized that if I let her believe this, everything would be easier, but that’s not what I did.
“Gods, Josie. Do you really think I see you and her as the same? Alex is Alex and my past with her is in the past, but you—you are everything.”
Her blue eyes were so big they nearly swallowed her face. “I’m everything? If that’s the case, then I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you want to be with me? Why would—” Her voice cracked, and I hated that, and couldn’t stop myself. I stepped toward her, but she held up her hand. “How could I be everything to you when you broke my heart?”
“What?” I stopped. Everything stopped as I stared at her.
Josie shook her head as she pressed the heel of her hand to her chest. “I can’t be your everything. You would be with me. You would, and I wouldn’t be feeling like this. My heart wouldn’t be broken.” Eyes glittering like sapphires, she took a step back. “If I was everything to you, you’d love me as much as I love you.”
CHAPTER 18
Josie
Oh my God.
My words echoed in the silence, bouncing back and forth between us. I couldn’t believe I’d said that out loud. What was I thinking? I had no control over what I was going to say.
I was going to punch my own mouth.
Seth tilted his head to the side as he stared at me. “What did you just say?”
Taking another step back, I glanced at the door. Could I make a run for it? Seth could definitely catch me, but right now, he probably didn’t want to.
“Josie?”
My heart stuttered at the raw quality of his voice. I wanted to deny that I’d uttered those words, but I couldn’t. How could I when it was the truth, and it wasn’t like I could take those words back. I couldn’t.
Lowering my hand, I drew in a shallow breath. “I love you; I’m in love with you.”
Seth jerked like I’d punched him. “You can’t love me.”
My mouth dropped open. “There you go again! Telling me what I can do and not do! Telling me how I feel. Stop doing that.”
“But I . . .” He shook his head. “I’m at a loss to what to say.”
“Well, that’s a first,” I said dryly, but the fact he had no idea what to say stung as if I’d stepped on a hornets’ nest. “I don’t even know why I told you that. Not like I haven’t embarrassed myself enough when it comes to you. I don’t even know why I’m in love with you. You’re an ass. And I have shitty taste in—”
“Stop.” He shot in front of me, moving so fast I didn’t see him until we were face to face. “Please just . . . I . . . I don’t know what to say, Josie.”
I winced, feeling what he was saying all the way to the core. “That . . . that says everything, Seth, because if you don’t—” My voice cracked, right along with what was left of my heart. “If you don’t know what to say, then that’s it.”
“You don’t understand.” His voice was low.“I don’t understand anything.” Heart aching, I stepped to the side, but Seth followed.
“Please, just let me go. We can forget we even had—”
He clasped my cheeks in a gentle grasp. “No one has ever told me that before.”
“What?” I whispered after a moment.
His eyes were wide, slightly dilated. “No one has ever said they loved me or were in love with me, and actually meant it.”
I couldn’t believe that. Not even his mother? Yes, that was a different kind of love, but then I remembered how his mom was and once again I found myself wishing she was alive so I could bitch-slap her into eternity. But to live the years he had, and to never experience any kind of love wasn’t just wrong, it was sad. I wished it wasn’t so.
Seth’s hands slid down my neck, stopping where his thumbs pressed against my pulse. “But you . . .”
I had a choice here. I recognized that. I could save face and let this go. I could pull away and walk out of this room, but I was hurting for myself and despite everything that had gone on between us, I was still hurting for him. Maybe that. “But I love you.”
Seth’s hands shook—his hands. Hands that were always so steady in battle, but they trembled now, touching me. “I don’t deserve that from anyone, but especially from you.” Voice rough and heavy, he searched my face intently. “That is a precious gift that I . . . that I am not worthy of.”
I sucked in air. Oh gosh, that hurt. Hearing him say that tore me up, ripped me right apart, and it struck me then. I knew why he had backed off. Him pushing me away had nothing to do with Alex or with me. It was because of him, because of how he believed he deserved nothing more than punishment.
That he sincerely believed that the only thing he had was to atone for his past sins.
Tears pricked my eyes as I folded my hands over his wrists. I had to prove what he believed wasn’t true.
Prove that he was the total of everything he’d done and not just the dark things he was ashamed of, and I would do so, because I loved him and accepted him for who he was, for all his faults. That was what love meant.