I hoped things would get better once the tour started. Once he had work to focus on.
They haven’t. They’ve got worse.
He keeps disappearing off on his own, sometimes even without Dave.
When I question him as to where he’s been, he says he’s just been having time out to clear his head.
Basically, he’s out scoring drugs.
Jake’s distanced himself from me. From everyone. He only talks to bark out orders to staff on the tour. And the only time I see him resembling something near to the Jake I know, is when he’s on stage performing at the shows. But the minute he’s off stage, he’s back to the same.
He’s pushing everyone around him away, and I haven’t got a clue what to do. How to help him. I feel completely out of my depth. And so very helpless.
Helpless to the fact that the man I love is slowly slipping away before my eyes.
I’ve considered calling his sponsor, even his drug counsellor, but I feel like I’d be crossing some arbitrary line if I do.
I just feel at a loss.
You have no idea how hard it is to try to hold onto someone when they don’t want you to.
I’ve tried talking to him. He won’t talk to me. He brushes me off, telling me there is nothing wrong.
There clearly is.
The story coming out about what he suffered at the hands of his dad that night was the final nail in the coffin for him.
He could just about cope with Paul dying and the old memories and feelings that resurfaced for him, but this story coming out was too much.
I know he feels like he’s been exposed to the world as the weak man he truly believes himself to be. It’s crippled him, and the only way he knows how to deal with that emotion is to conceal it with drugs so he no longer has to feel.
The flip side of that, which he doesn’t see, is that he stops loving too.
He’s stopped loving me on some fundamental level.
It’s still there, buried somewhere deep within him. But for now, this Jake I’ve got here with me, doesn’t love me. Not really. And it’s not because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t.
So now it’s up to me to try to find a way to bring him back.
I think he started using again around the time the tour began here in the US. On some level I think I knew, I just didn’t want to believe it.
But now it’s become too hard to ignore.
He went to take a shower this morning and when he came out of the bathroom, I looked up at him and there was blood running from his nose.
That’s when I knew what he’d been doing in there.
He downplayed the nosebleed. Said it was just because he was tired and stressed.
After I’d cleaned his bleed up, I went in the bathroom looking for evidence of drugs but I couldn’t find any.
He’s adept at hiding his addiction. Now I just need to figure a way to out it.
“What do I do?” I ask Stuart, dropping my spoon onto the table.
“Confront him.”
“Will he deny it?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then what?”
“Keep trying. But, Tru, he won’t recognise the problem until he’s ready to – you need to know that, and be ready for the backlash that will undoubtedly come with it when you do confront him.”
I put my head in my hands. “I just can’t believe he’s back there again.” I lift my head. “This must be terrible for you, seeing him doing this to himself again … he told me what happened in LA … when you found him,” I allude to the rest with my expression.
“I’m glad he told you. It shows how much he trusts you.”
“Will you leave him now?”
Stuart looks at me surprised. “No. Why do say that?”
I knot my fingers together around the coffee cup. “Because Jake said you told him at that time if he carried on using you would leave, and I just thought as he is again … then maybe you would leave.”
I don’t think Jake would cope without Stuart. Honestly, I don’t think I could cope without him. I’ve come to rely on his friendship so much in these last few weeks.
He shakes his head, smiling. “I’d never leave him. I like the perks too much.” He rolls his eyes, ironic. “Jake’s like my family, just like you are now, chica.” He reaches over and squeezes my hand. My eyes fill with tears. “It was just an empty threat.”
“That worked,” I say blotting my eyes with a napkin.
“Yeah, but he was also ready by that point. He knew it, as much as I did.”
“Is that what I should do? Threaten to leave him.”
He shrugs. Leaning back in his chair, he pushes hair off his forehead. “Anything is worth a shot, but Jake will only get clean if he truly wants to … he loves you like no one before. I see the bond you guys have, so maybe the threat of you leaving might shock him into it. I know getting you back in his life meant everything to him. Maybe the thought of losing you again might just push him in the right direction.”
“But what if …” I pause, swallowing against my own words, eyes down, I tap my fingernails on the table. “What if I threaten to leave him, and he still won’t stop using?”
Stuart leans forward, closer to me. “Well, honey, before you do anything you have to decide if that’s the chance you want to take. The possibility of losing him. I don’t think you would ever lose Jake permanently, but temporarily? Maybe, yes, it could happen, if he’s not ready to face his problem yet.”
I don’t want to lose Jake. Not at all. Not even for a moment. But I don’t want this version of him either.
“I already lost my Jake the moment he took his first hit,” I sigh, lifting my eyes to meet Stuart’s. “And if I have any hope of trying to get him back, then I’m going to have to confront this version of him, and simply go from there, no matter what happens.”
The second I get back to our suite at the Ritz, I instantly know something is wrong. I can practically feel Jake’s tension radiating through the air as I push open the door.