"No," I said weakly. "I was wrong. I don't want-."
"Please, don't do this to me! I cannot stay. It'll be...torture."
Hot tears poured down my face. I couldn't stop them any more than I could stop loving him. I began sobbing, the sort where you can't breathe or barely make a noise but when you do your entire body shudders with the effort.
He put his arms around my waist and drew me to him as gently as if I was made of glass. He kissed my tears and caressed my hair. At some point he pulled my head against his chest. I listened for the heartbeat that wasn't there and held him. He rocked me and I stopped crying but the pain inside was so immense I didn't think I would ever feel normal again.
"Please," he said after a long time. He didn't need to say anything else. I knew it was a continuation of the same plea without having to hear the words.
"If it's what you want," I said through my raw throat.
He touched my chin and tilted my face up. His face, while still handsome, was distorted as if he were in pain. "It's not what I want. But it's what has to be. Do you understand the difference?"
I nodded. I understood. He could not stand to see me grow old. Could not look upon an ugly, toothless crone.
"Good." He kissed the top of my head again then held me at arm's length. So that was how it would be from now on-at arm's length.
I returned to the bed where I wanted to curl up and go to sleep then wake up from this nightmare. But it wasn't a nightmare. It was real and Jacob was in earnest now. I sat on the bed and rested my chin on my drawn up knees. I couldn't bear to look at him.
"After we've sent the demon back to the Otherworld," he said, "we'll search for my body. And my killer."
Body. Killer. Oh God, it was all so awful, so hopeless, so horrible.
At that moment I realized with startling clarity that I would do what was best for Jacob, and it was the best thing for him to cross over. It's what spirits are supposed to do. No matter how much I wanted to keep Jacob with me, I could not let the injustice done to him go unpunished. Whoever had taken his life should not be allowed to get away with it. Right then I set my mind on catching his killer. The man I loved deserved nothing less.