“That was loud,” I said.
“There isn’t anything left for us to do tonight. We have to wait until tomorrow.”
“Are you sure?” To my embarrassment, I stifled a yawn.
To my surprise, she turned to look at me. Really look at me, like she was straining to see some faraway sign.
“Watson, you look like hell. Haven’t you been sleeping?”
“Not since October.” I leaned against the wall. It felt good to put my weight against a solid surface. “Is this you saying you’re worried about me, or are you really feeling the hard truths thing tonight?”
Holmes started to snap back a reply, then stopped herself. Very deliberately, she reached up to put her fingers against my face. “I’m worried about you,” she admitted. It didn’t sound practiced, that admission, as it did when August was trying to be nice. Really, I didn’t think either he or Charlotte Holmes were nice, at their core. At their best, they were kind. It was that kindness that prompted Holmes to lead me over to the ladder to her lofted bed. “It’s more comfortable than the cot. But you know that, you’ve been sleeping there.”
“What are you going to do?” I climbed up and got under the covers.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Plan B. Whatever plan B is.”
“Don’t stay up too late.”
“I won’t.” She stared up at me, one hand on the ladder. She’d undone the top three buttons of her shirt, and I could see the white line of her collarbone. “I might be—tired later.”
“Okay,” I told her, as cautiously as I could. “I might still be here.”
Did I want her to climb into bed with me? Did she want to? Would knowing the answer to either question change what we were going to do?
Across the room, she rummaged through her suitcase for her pajamas, then called out that she was changing. I turned my back, trying not to listen to the rustle and slip of fabric, trying to remind myself how tired I was. I was tired, I realized with some wonder. I’d been exhausted and unable to sleep for so long.
Honestly, I’d never forgotten what Lucien had said to us in Bryony Downs’s apartment. It’s good to know what matters to you, he’d told Holmes. So very little does. My brother didn’t. Your own family doesn’t. But this boy . . . Meaning me. The pressure point. The weak point. A thought I tortured myself with on the nights that I stuffed my head under the pillow and tried not to feel the dot of a sniper’s rifle on my back.
The door open and shut softly. Holmes had slipped out, and my eyes were already closing. Before I passed out, I took out my phone. We’re closing in, I texted my father, though I didn’t think it was true. Will you please reconsider sending Leander’s emails? I won’t read them. I’ll have Milo skim them for what we need.
Pretense, all of it. He knew I’d read every word, just as Milo knew that Lucien was targeting his parents, and I knew, for a certainty, that neither Holmes or I knew what we wanted at all.
When I woke, it was hours later; I could tell even in that windowless room. My stomach was growling, and someone was speaking. A male voice. I sat up, too quickly.
“Lottie, I’m fine. I’ll see you soon.” The voice again, tinnier this time, and then broken into pieces. “Lottie, I’m fine. Lottie, I— Lottie, I’m fine.”
Holmes sat in a small oasis of light. She was cross-legged on the camp bed with a laptop, a lamp beside her, and her hair hung in her face as she hammered on the keys. “Dammit,” I heard her say. “Goddammit.”
“How’s it going?” I asked, and she jumped.
“Watson,” she said. “One of the techs showed me how to peel apart a recording into layers, to isolate background noise. I’ve been working with Leander’s phone message. What time is it?”
“I have no idea.” I checked my phone; it was ten in the morning. “Did you find anything?”
“There’s something. An echo . . . the kind that—” She went to play it again, and then, without warning, she slammed her laptop shut. “Shit,” she gasped, exhaling through a hand. “Shit.”
“Come up here.” I didn’t know if the thought would be at all comforting, clambering up into bed with me. From the look she leveled me with, she was skeptical, too. “Not like that. Just—come here.”
She climbed up the ladder and sat next to me, our backs against the wall, surveying her little kingdom.
“Lena’s been texting me,” she said.
“Any news?”
“Why are we in Germany, Germany is lame,” she said, in her quoting voice, “and also Tom has started wearing that Nuclear Winter body spray, which has Lena simultaneously turned on and disgusted.”
“Sounds about right,” I said. She smiled. We both knew that she adored her roommate, and that we would never mention that fact out loud.
“Every room you settle into looks like this,” I said instead. “The clutter. The weird textbooks. Where do you even get those textbooks? And the lab table. Always with the lab table and the blowing things up. It’s like all of it stays in some little box inside you that . . . bursts open when you take a moment to settle down.”
“That’s precious, Watson.”
I grinned. “It’s true. You know it is. You’re like a turtle with your world on your back.”
“There’s not a lot you can control, you know. Where you’re born. Who your family is. What people want from you, and what you are, underneath it all. When you have so little say in it all, I think it’s important to exercise a measure of control when given the opportunity.” She smiled, ducking her head. “So I blow things up.”