“You feel it now.”
“I want my c**k to feel the heat of your pu**y as it slides up in you and makes you quiver and tremble,” he whispered again and I blushed.
“Zane!”
“Maybe soon.” He smiled wickedly. “If you’re pregnant, we can have all the unprotected sex we want.”
“Oh.” My eyes widened at his words. “I guess we can.”
“And if you’re not, will you go on birth control?” His voice was hesitant.
“Birth control?” I frowned.
“Well, if you’re not pregnant, then we want to make sure you don’t get pregnant.” He laughed.
“Oh, yeah.”
“I’m all for safe sex and condoms, but when I make love to you, I want to feel all of you. I want to smell, taste, hear, and feel every emotion in your body as I make love to you.”
“What if I’m already pregnant?” I looked at him with an anxious expression. It seemed to me that he was hoping I wasn’t. It seemed to me that he didn’t really want me to have a baby—his baby.
“If you’re pregnant, we’ll do the right thing.” He smiled tightly. “We’ll go to the classes and get the books and get ready to welcome a baby into the world.”
“Okay.” So nothing about marriage then, I was disappointed in myself and in him. How could I expect him to want to marry me? He barely knew me. He knows you well enough to let you sleep in his bed and stay in his house though, a voice whispered in me. Shut up, the other voice shouted. Marriage is a big step. Just shut up. I plastered a wide smile on my face so Zane couldn’t see how let down I felt.
“We should go to the doctor tomorrow and check.” He stared into my eyes. “If you’re okay with that.”
“That’s fine.” I smiled tightly and pressed my face into his chest.
“We’d be a regular little family then,” he whispered into my hair. “We’d be connected for life.”
“Yes, yes we would,” I whispered against his chest, and at that moment I knew. I knew that despite all my worries and concerns, I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man in it, it didn’t matter to me how he was in it, he just needed to be in it in some way. I wanted to love and hold onto Zane Beaumont forever, and at times like these, when I was cuddled against his warm chest and could feel his breath on my skin, I felt like it was a possibility. I felt like we had a real shot.
Finding out that he had had a crush on me as well when he had been going to the diner made my heart soar. I knew that to some people, it may have been creepy that he had tried so hard to get me to that party to get to know him better, but that just made me love him more. It showed me that what we had wasn’t just a spur of the moment thing. He had been noticing me for all those months as well. We’d had a real connection in the diner. It wasn’t just on my side. What I dreamt about for myself and for him could be a real possibility. I knew that if we had a baby, it would bring us even closer together. A baby would bond us for life. That’s what I hoped at least. I just wanted to hold onto Zane forever.
“Penny for them.” Zane pulled me back slightly so he could look at me.
“I was just thinking that you do a great job at keeping me warm.” I smiled at him sweetly. “You’re like my personal blanket.”
“I see.” He grinned at me. “Do you need some inner heat as well?”
I cocked my head and pretended to think. “Well, I do feel a slight empty coldness.”
“I see. Well I can’t let that continue, can I?”
“I hope not,” I grinned back at him and then pushed him back onto the bed before straddling him. “Though sometimes I like to make myself warm.”
“Oh?” His eyes clouded with desire as I rubbed myself back and forth on him.
“Yes, sometimes I like to take control.” I grinned and watched his face as I slid down on him and started rocking back and forth.
“I have to say, I like it when you take control.” Zane grinned and reached up to bring me down for a kiss, and as I rode him, I felt myself losing control. I felt the heat rising through me quickly and as I felt my first cl**ax trembling through my body, I knew I was in for another wild night.
Chapter 5
Zane
It was still dark outside and I laid as still as possible so I wouldn’t wake up Lucky. I laid staring out the window and imagined that the stars I saw twinkling were those of my mother and Noah. Though, I didn’t really know where my mother was or what had happened to her. It was as if a whole part of my life was unknown to me. I continued watching the stars and held Lucky close to me as she slept in my arms.
“Everything okay?” she whispered sleepily, and I froze.
“Yes, sorry for waking you.”
“You didn’t wake me.” She turned over and stared at me. “I’ve been awake for a while.”
“Oh?”
“I didn’t want to disturb you.” She smiled sweetly and my heart stirred with an emotion I had never felt before.
“I didn’t want to wake you either.”
“Well, we did a good job of that.” She laughed and stretched against me. “What were you thinking about? You look so serious in the moonlight.”
“I was thinking about my mom.” I kept my voice light.
“You think about her a lot, don’t you?”
“Yeah, her and Noah.” I attempted a smile. “I have memories that sometimes flash in my mind as if someone was putting a photograph in front of my eyes.”
“Oh?” I could tell that Lucky wanted to know me, so I continued.
“I was only six when my mom left, you know. And Noah was four.” I frowned. “We didn’t really understand what was going on. Every morning I would take my blanket and sit at the top of the stairs, waiting for her to come home.”
“Oh, Zane.”
“I waited patiently every morning, sometimes Noah would come out and join me and bring his little rubber duck.”
“Rubber duck?”
“It was a yellow plastic duck that my mother had bought for us. We both hated having baths and so she made it into this game. We would get to swim with the duck if we had a bath.”
“Oh.” She smiled at me gently. “Smart lady.”
“Noah loved that duck.” I laughed. “He kept it all these years. I used to wonder why. Now I suppose it’s because he wanted to keep it to show her when she came back. Wanted to show he never forgot her.”
“I’m sorry.” Lucky’s eyes were filled with tears and I squeezed her hands.
“It’s not your fault.” I shook my head. “We must have waited at the top of the stairs for months, and then one morning, my dad came out and saw us, and he just went crazy.”“Oh no.” A tear slid from her eye and I reached over and kissed it.
“Don’t cry for me, my love.” My heart surged with love for this woman who was broken by my story.
“I just feel so bad for you and Noah.” She bit her lip and for a moment, all I could think about was the pinkness of her lips and their taste.
“We never went back to the landing again after that. It was as if all hope was gone that she was ever going to come back.”
“But you were so young.”
“It may seem cruel, but my dad did us a favor. Who knows how long we would have been holding out hope.” I sighed. “And for what? She never came back.”
“She still loves you, Zane; she’s your mom.” Lucky looked at me in earnest and I kept my thoughts to myself. “The maternal instinct never dies. She’s probably somewhere wishing she knew where you were.”
“I doubt it.”
“I bet she is, who knows what your father said, Zane?” She paused. “Maybe he blackmailed her or drove her away or did something to her.”
“You watch too many movies.”
“Will I meet your dad, by the way?”
“One day.” I sighed. I didn’t really want Lucky to meet my dad. I didn’t want her to be caught up in his charm. He wasn’t a good guy, but he knew how to fool a lot of people. I didn’t want Lucky to be one of the people he fooled. Not my Lucky.
“Do you remember when you told me you didn’t believe in love?” Lucky looked at me seriously. “And that you weren’t looking for a serious relationship?”
“Yes.” I kept my voice low, but I was scared where she was taking the conversation.
“Do you ever still feel that way?” Her eyes were questioning and I tried to ignore the nerves and panic in my stomach.
“No,” I lied, not wanting her to know that every day I questioned if being with her and loving her was the right thing to do.
“So I changed your mind, just like that?”
“Yes.” I sighed and avoided her piercing gaze. “No. Do we have to talk about this?”
“No to what?” Her voice was sharp and I could hear the distress in it.
“My natural reaction is to rebel from love, Lucky,” I sighed. Sometimes I don’t know if I can handle loving someone. Loving you. I don’t know if I can live my life with this burden and this worry constantly encroaching on my heart.”
“Do you want to be in a relationship with me?” Lucky continued, and I sighed.
“I can’t keep having this conversation.” I looked up at the ceiling for a moment. “I’m here, we’re here. We’re making it work. I’m trying to make this work. To give you what you want.”
“You’re the one that wanted to be my last boyfriend.”
“Because I know that’s what you need. I don’t need labels.”
“I thought you loved me.”
“Of course I love you,” I retorted angrily. I didn’t understand how Lucky couldn’t see that. “How many times do I have to tell you?”
“I want to hear you say it and know that you mean it.” Her voice cracked. “I worry sometimes that …”
“Lucky, I love you. I don’t know love like you do. I’ve never really felt it much before. But I know that what I feel for you is deep and strong and I can’t guarantee you a forever relationship, or a forever love, but what I feel now is deep and strong.”
“I see.” She closed her eyes and yawned. “I’m feeling tired.” I watched her face and I wanted to shake her for cutting me out. I didn’t understand how a conversation about my mother turned into a conversation about me loving her. What did I have to do to show her that she was the one I wanted to be with?
“You’re mad at me?” I sighed, frustrated and aware that I hadn’t given her the answer that she wanted. She opened her eyes slowly and smiled weakly at me.
“I’m not mad. This is just harder than I thought it would be.”
“Oh?”
“I thought when you told me you loved me, it would be all roses and cupcakes from that point on, but it’s not.” She laughed to herself. “I guess that’s not how life works.”
“I’m trying.” I pursed my lips. “Please just give me a chance.”
Lucky sat up and I stared at her breasts, unable to stop myself from licking my lips. I felt a yearning in my loins as I stared at her na**d body. How I loved her body. I groaned as she pulled the sheet up to cover herself and she shook her head at me with a smile. “Zane, listen to me carefully. I’m not going to leave you. I love you. I want you. I need you. We’ll get through this. We’ll make it work. It’s just not the fairytale I thought it was going to be.”
My heart hurt at her words. I wanted to be her Prince Charming. I wanted to be the one to sweep her off her feet into the sunset and live happily ever after. I just didn’t think I was ever that man. I was the Huntsman, not the Prince. I don’t think I was ever going to be the Prince. “You deserve the fairytale.”
“I don’t need the fairytale.”
“I want you to have the fairytale.”
“Well, you’re my Grumpy so I guess I do.” She laughed.
“Funny.” I leaned forward and kissed her. “Who knew I was dating such a funny girl?”
“Do you ever want to find out what happened to your mom?” Lucky looked at me with a thoughtful look.
“Not really.” I shook my head. “What’s the point?”
“To reconnect?”
“Reconnect? I don’t know if we ever had a real connection in the first place.”
“Does she know about Noah?”
“I don’t know.” My throat constricted and I took a deep breath. “My heart hurts, Lucky. I don’t know if this pain will ever go away.”
“Can I see a photo of him?” she asked softly. I jumped out of the bed and walked to my wardrobe. I opened it up and took out a box. I walked back to the bed and opened the box and took out a framed photograph of Noah and me when he graduated from college.
“He was really handsome.” Lucky studied the photo and smiled at me. “He looked happy.”
“He was happy,” I sighed. “Ironic, right? He was one of the happiest guys I knew.”
“I guess he hid his pain?”
“Yeah. He did try and talk about finding Mom, but I always blew him off. I didn’t want to know.” I sighed and looked at the wall, remembering the last conversation Noah and I had about Mom. He’d tried to convince me that we should try and find her so we could learn about our family’s medical background on her side. But I’d dismissed his concerns and changed the subject. He didn’t hold the same bitterness towards her that I did. I hated her. Every time I thought of her playing with us and laughing, it made me want to punch the wall. She had f**ked me up emotionally. She had f**ked me up so badly that I never wanted to give my whole heart. I never wanted to feel that pain and rejection again.