Lev Godwin reminded Elroy of a garden gnome. He stood about five feet two inches tall, he had reddish brown curly hair, and pasty white skin stippled with freckles. His body resembled a cinderblock: thick and sturdy and rectangular. Even his ass appeared flat and square. He wore dad jeans a size too small, which created a male camel toe between his legs because he pulled them up to high above his waistline. His shirts were either tight mock turtlenecks that exposed his jiggling man breasts or plaid flannel affairs with sleeves rolled up to his elbows. When he walked his chubby legs splayed out in exaggerated opposite directions. It wasn’t exactly a walk. It was more like a bounce. Whenever Elroy saw him coming he wanted to stick his foot out and trip him.
And Elroy did see Lev coming and going a great deal that semester. He started coming to their room after dinner to study with Kyle, and this made Elroy clench his teeth so hard he had to leave them alone. They asked Elroy if he wanted to study with them, but Elroy always smiled, bit the inside of his mouth, and declined. He would rather flunk math than study with the likes of Lev Godwin. He couldn’t even stand the way Lev smelled; it reminded him of medicine he’d taken as a child.
He always showed up for these study sessions with a bottle of cheap wine for Kyle. He would knock on the door and wait for someone to answer. When the door would open, he would stand there with a fish-eating grin and say, “How about another big ole bottle for wine for ya?” His deep Southern accent twisted Elroy’s stomach in knots. If Elroy answered the door, he would fake a smile, turn to face Kyle, and say, “Your boyfriend is here. I’m going out.” That was when Lev’s face would turn bright red and he would look down at his shoes. Then Kyle would send Elroy a glare because he’d embarrassed poor shy Lev.
But Elroy knew all about the poor shy Lev Godwins of the world. He knew they put on a good passive-aggressive act to get what they wanted. In this case, Lev wanted Kyle and he was going after him in the most passive-aggressive way Elroy had ever seen one man go after another. Though Kyle seemed oblivious to it all, he tended to enjoy the attention Lev gave him. And even though Kyle said he was only dating Lev casually and they’d never had sex, most people on campus considered Len and Kyle a couple.
This left Elroy with one alternative. He knew he had to do something about sneaky Lev Godwin and it called for drastic measures. The thing Kyle seemed to be most attracted to in Lev was Lev’s lack of interest in sex. For some reason Elroy could not understand, Kyle had no interest in sex at all and he seemed to feel safe with Lev around.
Elroy and Kyle even argued about this one night before Lev arrived at the door with his cheap bottle of wine. Elroy punched the wall and said, “Is that asshole coming over here again?”
Kyle had been organizing his books at a small desk next to his bed. “Yes, he’ll be here any minute. I’m helping him study for a marketing class he’s taking. He really depends on me.”
Elroy punched the wall again and said, “He’s trying to get into your pants.”
Kyle laughed and waved his hand. “You’re insane. Lev has no interest in sex. He’s interested in me for my mind and that’s it. You just have a dirty mind and you think everyone else does.”
This time Elroy felt like putting his fist through the wall. But he took a deep breath, exhaled, and said, “I know his type. He’s trying to get into your pants. He’s a little perv and he’s going to wind up trying to bone you.”
Kyle opened a book and said, “You’re the perv, not Lev. He’s just a sweet little guy who needs my help. And he’s devoted to me.”
Now Elroy wanted to bang his head against the wall and scream. “I’m telling you this little perv is up to no good. I caught him sniffing your clothes the last time he was here.” This was true. Kyle had gone to the bathroom and Elroy had walked in while Lev Godwin had been sniffing his sweatpants. When Lev saw him, he dropped the pants and pretended he hadn’t been doing anything.
“You’re making that up,” Kyle said. He rose from his chair and crossed to the bathroom to check his hair. “Lev would never do such a thing.”
Elroy rolled his eyes. “I’m telling you that little perv will be licking your toes if you’re not careful. I’ve seen his kind before. I once tricked with a guy from Providence who spent half the night licking my feet.” He glanced into the bathroom and watched Kyle fuss around with his hair. He’d recently had it cut shorter, with a cute little turned-up wave above his forehead. With the contact lenses, the new clothes Elroy had bought for him, and the new trendy haircut Kyle hardly even resembled the same guy Elroy had met in early September.
Kyle shook his head and said, “Thank you for yet another fine story from your sordid past. I would love to hear even more about the guy who spent half the night licking your feet, but I have to get ready for Lev.”
“That’s another thing,” Elroy said. He felt his face getting warmer. “If you’re not serious about him, why do you spend so much time getting ready for him? I’m starting to think you want him to bone you.”
Kyle smiled and looked into the mirror. “Whether or not Lev bones me, as you so eloquently phrased it, is none of your business.”
Elroy grabbed his jacket and his car keys. “Well, I’m out of here. If I have to see him one more night I’ll lose my mind.”
“I don’t know why Lev bothers you so much,” Kyle said. “He’s absolutely harmless.”
Elroy did not reply. He knew he couldn’t win. Kyle had a stubborn streak like no one he’d ever met before. “I’ll see you later. I’m going to the coffee shop to study.”
“Make sure you have decaf,” Kyle said. “I don’t want to listen to you complain about not sleeping tonight.”
“I’ll order anything I want.”
On his way out, Elroy decided it was time to prove he was right about Lev Godwin once and for all. So he went to the coffee shop and devised a plan that would show Kyle the kind of guy Lev Godwin really was. Oh, Lev was interested in sex as much as any other guy Elroy had ever met. Elroy would have bet money Lev had more interest in sex than most guys. He’d seen the way Lev licked his lips whenever Kyle bent over to get something. He’d even seen Lev rub his dick when Kyle wasn’t looking.
Elroy came up with the perfect plan. He would hire a male escort to seduce Lev Godwin to prove once and for all that he was right about Lev being a perv. Elroy would execute the plan in a way that appeared innocent and spontaneous. He would invite Lev up to their room to study and the male escort would be waiting there alone, naked, in Elroy’s bed.