And in the now, I was happy just to exist in a crazy dream that had become a beautiful reality.
* * * * *
After two weeks, when Lahn and I were taking our evening meal together, he told me that the Daxshee would pack up the day after the next and ride.
And we did, for eight days, until, on a bleak cliff with not very much scrub but a lot of stone, dirt and sand, we set up again. It was a weird spot and not very attractive, especially compared to our spot by the creek, but what did I know? I was no Dax.
The morning after the Daxshee rose, Lahn told me he would be leaving the next day to lead a raid and he wouldn’t return for five days.
And he wouldn’t be taking me.
I didn’t want him to go because I didn’t want him to be away from me but there was more.
This alarmed me.
Diandra had told me that the warriors kept their wives close while they were out plundering. And if Lahn was out plundering, I needed to be close.
And when I told Lahn firmly I wanted to go with him, we had our first knockdown drag out fight. He flatly refused and I flatly refused to allow him to refuse. I shouted and he thundered. This lasted a long time and got heated. He was angry, actually furious, not only that I was questioning his decision as Dax that I not go but that I wanted to go at all considering he thought such a journey would be dangerous for me as we would be entering a neighboring country. Even in his fury, though, not once did he let it get out-of-control enough for him even to raise a hand with the intent to strike me.
This was good.
What was bad was me finally sharing with him what was on my mind.
“If you’re off marauding, then I can’t take care of you before you do!” I snapped and he blinked in surprise at my words which clearly bewildered him.
“What?” he clipped back.
I planted my hands on my h*ps and swept his body with my eyes. “Don’t forget, honey, that’s mine, all mine. You said it yourself. And I’m not sharing it with anyone. I know how you get when you’re celebrating, boy do I know, and you sure as hell are not going to be off collecting booty and plundering villages without me being the one you celebrate with, before and after.”
I couldn’t believe I was saying this shit but there it was, I was.
He stared at me and I didn’t know if he was staring at me in shock, he didn’t know what to say or he was controlling his anger so he didn’t say anything he would regret.
Too far gone, I stupidly kept going. “In other words, Lahn, I’m not a big fan of raiding and looting. I know it’s your way, I don’t like it, but I won’t speak against it. But you are not going to add raping to your looting. No f**king way. You take no other woman but me.”
I knew light dawned when his face turned to granite and he was silent again for several heartbeats before he asked softly, “Am I standing in my cham with my wife telling me what I can and cannot do?”
His tone was dangerous, as dangerous as the stony look on his face and, lucky for me, I was smart enough to read it so I let my silence be my answer.
Lahn went on. “A husband and wife, Circe, they do not speak of this.” He paused then finished, “Ever.”
“We are not just any husband and wife,” I shot back.
“That is agreed, I give you your head in many ways. I will not with this. This is not your concern and we will never speak of it again, my queen. Not ever. Am I understood?”
Oh no. Hell no.
My voice quieted too when I replied, “You come back smelling of anything other than dirt, sweat and blood, I get that first f**king clue you’ve taken a woman who is not me, we’re done, Lahn, no joke. I will leave you.” His eyes flashed and his body tensed but I didn’t stop talking. “You find me and bring me back, I’ll leave you again. I’ll keep going until I can stay gone. And in the meantime, you will never, ever, get me sweet again. I tell you in my world it’s important that a husband remains faithful to his wife, you must understand that it is important. It is crucial I know that I can trust you don’t use your body with anyone but me. When I say it’s mine, I mean that outside of you sharing your spirit with me, it is the most precious gift you’ve ever given to me. I treasure it. I worship it. And it will tear me apart inside to think you’ve tarnished it by forcing it on another woman.”
I was breathing heavily when I was done speaking and Lahn held my eyes but kept his silence as his body continued to exude raw, pissed off, brutal energy.
Then it hit me that if he did go out raping with his pillaging (which was bad enough), I was not lying. It would kill what we had and I loved what we had. He didn’t know it but I’d given up everything to keep what we had. And staring at my husband just then, I knew he was not going to give in. This was who he was and what he did and it would be the end of us.
And that was why tears filled my eyes and I felt my lips quiver as those tears spilled down my cheeks but I held his angry gaze until it melted with the wet.
Then I looked to the side and whispered, “You will tear me apart. You do this; you do it knowing you will destroy me.” I pulled in a breath and dashed the tears away with the back of my hand and, when my vision cleared, I straightened by shoulders and looked back at him. “But you are Dax and you are warrior, so obviously, you are free to do as you will.”
That was when he growled, “You will not leave me.”
I didn’t respond.
“You will never leave me.”
I kept my silence, held his eyes and we went into stare down.
He broke it by stating, “You will never leave me, Circe, in any way you could leave me.”
I didn’t know what that meant exactly but I didn’t ask nor did I get the chance because he kept talking.
“To make that so, I will not ever take another woman but you.”
I sucked in a hopeful breath as I felt my eyes grow round at his capitulation but he wasn’t done and when he spoke his voice was way lower than normal and it rumbled through the tent.
“You have this one warning, I will not repeat it and I will point out that I have not once asked you to alter any of who you are. Not once. You are not of my people and you behave in ways that are strange to me, yet you seem not to understand that this is true. But never have I asked you to change who you are.”
I winced because this was true. He expected me to accept his way of life but he never asked me to change who I was.
He continued. “This is the last concession I will make for you. I am who I am, I am Korwahk, I am warrior, I am Dax and you must accept me as what I am. I may have forced my body on yours but I did not force your love, you gave it to me knowing who I am. As we live our lives, you cannot decide to disagree with parts of that and then decide to take your love away, Circe. I’ll not live like that. Therefore, you need to reflect on this, come to your peace with it and never, my golden queen, never request another such concession from me.”