The Fragile Ordinary

Palms sweaty throughout my English lesson as I prepared to make myself vulnerable, I ignored Tobias’s quizzical stare as I sat, tense, beside him.

The bell finally rang for the end of class and as everyone packed their books away my friend turned to me. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I just need to talk to Mr. Stone. I’ll catch you later.”

“What’s going on?”

“I just need to talk to him about classwork.”

“You’re acting weird.”

I wasn’t the only one. But I wasn’t going to go there. Today wasn’t about Tobias ignoring me at school. Today was about my future. “I’ll see you later.”

Not looking particularly happy about being dismissed, Tobias reluctantly left.

“You coming?” Steph and Vicki stopped by my table as I got out of the seat, waiting for the class to empty.

“I’ll catch up with you. I need to talk to Mr. Stone.”

The girls didn’t question it, and soon everyone had emptied out of the classroom. Mr. Stone looked up from packing his overstuffed satchel with more papers. “Comet? Everything okay?”

There was no turning back now.

My mouth was so dry that I felt my teeth stick to my upper lip as I tried to open it to speak. Wetting my lips, fingers trembling, I dug into my bag and pulled out the folder I’d brought with me to school. “I...uh...well I know you’re busy but um...well, I brought some of my poetry. I think it’s poetry anyway. I mean it is poetry. Uh...” Oh God, floor open up and swallow me whole! “Well...I was just wondering if you... You told me to think about doing something with it and I just wondered if you’d...” I held the folder out toward him, feeling like I might burst into tears any second now.

As if sensing my panic, Mr. Stone quickly took the folder from me. “I’d be happy to read your work, Comet.”

I gave him a brittle smile. “You don’t have to if you’re busy.”

He smiled reassuringly. “I’m looking forward to it. Thank you for allowing me to. I’m truly honored.”

Now I wanted to cry, because he was being so kind. “Thank you, Mr. Stone.” I exhaled, willing the nervous fluttering in my stomach to quit it. “And I, uh...well I was thinking...if you think my work is good enough maybe I could do something more with it. I’ve looked into what other schools in Central Scotland are doing and a few have founded their own lit mags. I thought maybe we could create a school literary magazine, too. Online. Maybe even in print, too, if the school budget would allow it. And...I thought perhaps I could take a stab at being the editor.” It was bold. I knew that. One, asking for a lit magazine and two, suggesting I run it. But if I wanted the University of Virginia to take me seriously, I needed to be bold. “If you think my writing is good enough I could maybe even use the magazine to showcase my poetry.”

Mr. Stone stared at me with wide eyes. Almost like he’d never seen me before. His silence caused the blood beneath my cheeks to burn.

“Or maybe not. I’m sorry, it—”

“No,” Mr. Stone hurried to say. “Don’t be sorry. I’m just surprised. But in a good way. It’s great to see you showing initiative like this, Comet. And I think the magazine is a wonderful idea.”

“Yeah?” I grinned, relief flooding me that not only he wasn’t laughing at me, he liked the idea!

“Definitely. Leave it with me.”

“Great. Okay. Great.” I nodded, backing away toward the door.

“And I’ll read your work as quickly as possible. I wouldn’t want to leave you in suspense for too long.”

Reminded that he’d be reading my private thoughts, I gave him a tremulous smile before hurrying out of the room.

“I’m going to be sick,” I whispered to myself. But along with the nausea, I felt...proud. I was proud of myself and energized by it.

Virginia, here I come.

* * *

As it turned out, a few days later, Tobias was still avoiding me outside of class so he had no idea about the brave step I’d taken for my future. I felt like I had no one to talk about it with, no one to calm my nerves. I’d been there for Tobias. I’d been a good friend to him. And now that something important was happening in my life, he wasn’t anywhere to be found.

That pissed me off.

Perhaps it was the hurt or frustration, but one Thursday as I sat in the cafeteria while Steph and Vicki talked about the school show rehearsals incessantly I decided to make a change.

I’d been staring at Tobias the entire lunch period, willing him to look at me. My longing for him had gotten painful, the giddiness of daydreams and imagination buckling under the weight of missing him. Of being disappointed in him. I needed him to prove he was worth my hurt and the only way he could do that was by being around me again. He needed a second chance to be a good friend. I needed him to have a second chance.

It wasn’t that I was ignoring his fears about putting me on Jimmy and Forrester’s radar. But our friendship was suffering because of his refusal to acknowledge me and I was done with pretending.

Tobias always said he was tired of fake.

I was tired of it, too.

I got up from the table, vaguely aware that Steph and Vicki had stopped midconversation to stare at me. I was on a mission, however, and left them behind as I began to weave my way through the tables of students toward Tobias.

As if he sensed me coming, he looked up from the conversation with the lads and his eyes narrowed at whatever he saw in my expression. As abruptly as I’d left my table, Tobias got up, ignoring Forrester shouting after him, “Oy, where ye goin’?”

Tobias’s answer was to plonk himself down beside Jess Reed and begin flirting with her.

Jess Reed.

It was like I’d been dropped out of the window in Carrie’s art studio and upon landing the breath had been knocked right out of me. It hurt so bloody much.

Aghast my gaze swung back to Stevie, who was staring at me in anger. Angry at me or at Tobias?

Tears flooded my eyes and I could feel people staring at me, probably wondering why I was just standing in the middle of the cafeteria looking like I was about to cry. I turned on my heel and strode out of there, nearly knocking a younger student off her feet in my hurry to disappear.

As soon as I slammed out of the double doors I began to speed walk down the corridor, trying to think, through all the chaos inside my head, where the nearest bathroom was.

“Comet, wait!” Swift feet thudded on the tiled floors behind me.

A strong hand gripped my arm and I found myself being hauled to a stop by Stevie. We were the same height, our eyes on level. His were clouded with sympathy and annoyance.

“That was really shitty o’ him, Com. I’m sorry. I’ll have a word wi’ him.”

“Don’t.” I shook off Stevie’s hand. “Jesus, I only wanted to come over and say hello to you both. Am I that much of a loser, Stevie? Because this rubbish about protecting me is...it’s nonsense! It feels made up, and I’m the idiot that actually believed it.”

Stevie studied me thoughtfully. “Ye like him, don’t ye?”

Fear thickened my throat, made my mouth dry. I licked my lips nervously. “Of course. He’s my friend. Was.”

“Is. But I mean, fancy him. Ye fancy him.”

“No, I don’t,” I vehemently disagreed.

“If ye say so.” And then Stevie hugged me.

I stood, shocked, as he held me tight in his strong arms, my nose pressed to his shoulder. And the warmth and solidness of him felt so good I wrapped my arms around him, too, and pressed my entire face to his shoulder.

We stood like that for what felt like forever until I mumbled, “Why are you hugging me?”

I felt him shake with laughter. “Why no’? Ye feel better, right?”

“Everything okay?” The sound of Tobias’s voice drew Stevie and me apart. I brushed a strand of hair nervously behind my ear, wishing I’d left my hair down so I could hide behind it. “What’s going on?”

The hard accusation in his voice flipped a switch inside of me. I went from hurt to angry in a millisecond. My gaze flashed to his to see him looking at me and Stevie with suspicion, as though two people couldn’t hug without it meaning something romantic. “This is what friends do, Tobias,” I snapped, gesturing to Stevie. “They acknowledge you exist and comfort you when you’re upset.” The last word broke as tears spilled down my cheeks without my permission. I hadn’t meant them to! It seemed lately I was unable to control my feelings. And everything felt too much, too big, too overwhelming.