The Fragile Ordinary
Page 32I shrugged. “They’re a bit self-involved.”
“Aye?” He made a face. “I get that. Ma da is a selfish bastard.”
Not knowing if it was polite to ask about his criminal father or not, my expression turned sympathetic.
“He’s in prison,” Stevie offered. “For nickin’ cars.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Aye, well.” He blew out a breath, suddenly looking exhausted. “Stupid fuckwit. Should be at hame, helpin’ us. Especially with ma mum...”
My earlier concern for Stevie came flooding back. He still hadn’t put on the weight he’d lost and he didn’t have warmer clothes. With Carole distracted by some unknown illness and Kieran, and Lena and Tobias no longer there, who was taking time to look after Stevie? On that thought, I sprang off my bed and opened my closet. After a visit to the poetry café the other day, while Tobias and Stevie were off doing who knew what with their friends, I’d spotted something for Stevie in a sports shop on my way home.
“These are for you.”
Stevie gave me a speculative look as he cautiously took the carrier bag from me. His eyebrows hit his hairline as he pulled out the plain black scarf, gloves and the black Nike beanie hat. “What...”
The way he just stared blankly at the accessories made me question my impulsive decision to buy him them. I felt my cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. The boy probably thought I was an idiot. A mummying, boring idiot.
Oh God.
I was!
“I can afford tae buy my own clothes,” he said tightly.
Not wanting to offend his pride I hurried to assure him. “I know. But you won’t. I get cold just looking at you, Stevie. It’s for me more than for you.”
“Com...” He looked up at me and then bestowed on me such a sweet smile that if I hadn’t already been head over heels for Tobias King I might have swooned. “Ye didnae have tae dae that. Thanks.”
At his sincere gratitude I relaxed, smiling as I sat on the edge of my bed. “You’re welcome.”
The words were choked, desperate and pleading.
And I felt utterly helpless. “Stevie...”
Tears shimmered in his eyes as he looked at me. “She’s got cancer.”
Oh no. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’ve got Kieran and I’ve got ma mum...and I just...”
My heart pounded in my chest, disbelieving that this boy, whom I’d barely known just a short while ago, was confessing his secrets to me. His trust in me made me want to protect it, to make sure I didn’t do anything to harm it. “Just?”
“I just want tae disappear. Forget everything. Ye ever want tae just disappear, Comet?”
Knowing there wasn’t a lot I could do to help him, and hating it, I offered him the only thing I could. Solidarity. Gesturing to the bookshelves around my room, I said softly, “I disappear all the time.”
Stevie’s sad eyes danced along the bookshelves. “Aye. S’pose ye dae.”
We shared a melancholy smile just as Tobias came back into the room. He stopped at the sight of Stevie in his beanie hat, scarf and gloves. “Going somewhere?”
“Comet bought me presents.” Stevie grinned, and I marveled at how effortlessly he wiped away the grim pain, burying it beneath layers of cheeky boy charm and mischief.
Tobias raised an eyebrow, taking in the accessories, and then he gave me a questioning look.
“Well, he obviously wasn’t going to buy himself those things. This way he feels obligated to wear them and I know he’s keeping warm.”
Stevie laughed. “Dae ye think she might buy me a car next?”
“Oy, don’t push it.” I threw a pillow at him, feeling more myself with him now that he’d been real with me.
I frowned at Stevie but he just grinned. “He’s feelin’ left oot, Com. Poor baby didnae get a scarf.”
“Fuck off.” Tobias rolled his eyes but he didn’t look up from his phone.
I wanted to rip the phone out of his hand and tell him he didn’t need a scarf when he had my love. But I was neither brave nor cheesy enough to do it. Instead I shoved his leg playfully. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. Just texting.” He stuck his phone in his pocket and gave me a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “What do you guys want to do tonight?”
I shrugged, feeling uneasy about the lack of affection in his gaze. Who had he been texting? According to rumor, he and Jess had snogged at Ryan’s party. But that was it. There had been nothing else said about Jess Reed, as far as I was aware, but maybe I was out of the loop. “Who were you texting?”
“What are you, our mother?” he teased but there was an edge to his tone. “Scarves, now nosy questions?”
Hurt pulsated in my chest and I blushed. “Sorry.”
“Dinnae apologize.” Stevie threw the cushion I’d thrown at him at Tobias. “Wanker.”
“I was joking,” Tobias lied. But I saw the remorse in his eyes as he reached out to tug gently on my hair. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I gave him a smile I didn’t mean, because I didn’t want any weirdness between us. Jumping off the bed to put distance between us, I wandered casually over to my window and sat on the window seat. “What are the plans?”
Tobias scowled at me, and I wondered what the heck I’d done now.
“I like this room. Let’s stay here,” Stevie said, slouching even farther in my chair. “Watch a movie or somethin’.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Tobias kicked off his shoes and swung his long legs up on the bed. He patted the space beside him. “Comet?”
Annoyed at him and I wasn’t even sure why, I gave him a brittle nod. First, however, I opened the closet door that hid my TV, grabbed the remote and then lay down beside Tobias. I left quite a bit of space between us.
As we flicked through Netflix, trying to decide what to watch, I was aware of him shuffling closer. By the time the action movie the boys had voted on was finished, the left side of Tobias’s body was pressed along my right and Stevie was asleep on the armchair, still wearing the winter accessories I’d bought him.
14
You’re kind but the mask you wear makes you mean,
You’re sweet but your silence can be so cruel.
You’re all that, more, and everything in between
You’re the king but I won’t live under your rule.
—CC
“I think it’s bullshit this no talkin’ tae ye at school,” Stevie had said in the first week of November, and that was before I gave him the gift of winter accessories.
I’d quietly agreed but Tobias’s response was, “You really want her on Jimmy’s radar?”
They’d shared this grim look that made me sigh in exasperation. “Why are you friends with him if he’s so bad?”
“He’s friends with him.” Tobias pointed to Stevie.
Stevie just shrugged. “He’s been ma mate forever. And the only reason he’s a wee shit sometimes is because of his big brother. Treats him like crap. Winds Jimmy up and sets him off on someone else.”
“That’s what siblings do though, right? That’s not really an excuse for the terrible things Jimmy says and does to people,” I said.
“I’m no’ talking about normal sibling fighting, Com.” Stevie gave me a sad look. “His brother...well, it’s no’ ma business to say anything but believe me, things are crap at home for him.”
And that had been the end of the discussion, because I suppose I didn’t know anything about Jimmy. But still, I didn’t think it was an excuse for bullying people.
By the middle of November I was growing increasingly tired of being ignored by the two boys who were my friends. It was bad enough that Tobias and I rarely saw each other alone anymore, but he and Stevie had started ditching me for the wondrous conversations of Jimmy and Co. If they were so awful, why had I been ditched for them? Despite my hurt, I made the decision to focus my energy elsewhere. So far I still had not taken Mr. Stone’s advice to get up on the stage at Pan, or take any steps toward pushing myself outside my comfort zone regarding my writing. And Mr. Stone was right. If I wanted to impress colleges, then I needed to become proactive. For weeks, I’d been working myself up to do just that. I still wasn’t quite brave enough to recite my poetry at Pan, but finally, I found the courage to share my poetry with someone other than Tobias.