If only he knew that his love was the only thing that kept my heart beating... Oh, how I wished he’d love me out loud.
We were quiet once more.
“High?” he whispered, inching a little closer.
“Yes?”
“I’m falling in love with you,” he softly spoke, his words a mirror to my mind.
My heart skipped.
I sensed the fear and the excitement in the tones of his voice. The fear was much stronger, but the undercurrent of bliss was still alive, too.
Nodding slowly, I reached for his hand, which he allowed me to hold. I held it tight, because I knew this was it. This was the moment that changed everything. The moment when we couldn’t go back. We’d been doing this now for a few months, having these feelings that we felt yet understood nothing about. Loving your best friend was weird. But somehow it was right. Before that night, he never came close to saying the word love to me. I wasn’t certain that there was space in Logan’s heart for such a feeling. Everything about his life existed in the realm of darkness. So for him to say those words meant more than anyone would ever understand.
“It scares you,” I said.
He held my hand tighter. “It scares me a lot.”
I used to wonder how one knew they were falling in love. What were the signs? The clues? Did it take time or was it one full sweep? Did a person wake one morning, drink their coffee, and then stare at the person sitting across from them and surrender completely to the free fall?
But now I knew. A person didn’t fall in love. They dissolved into it. One day you were ice, the next day, a puddle.
I wanted that to be the end of the conversation. I wanted to lean in, wrap my arms around him, lie back down, and fall asleep in the bed. My head would rest against his chest and he would lay his hands against my heart, feeling the beats that were made by his love. He would softly kiss my chin and tell me that I was perfect the way I was. He’d say that my quirks were what made me beautiful. He’d hold me as if he was holding himself, his touch filled with care and protection. I wanted to wake up feeling the warmth of this damaged boy beside me, the boy I was dissolving into.
Yet what one wanted wasn’t always what they received.
“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” he said. His words hurt me more than I’d ever show. “You’re my best friend, High.”
“You’re my best friend, Lo,” I replied.
“And I can’t lose that. I don’t have many people… I trust two people in my life; you and my brother. And I would fuck us up. I know I would. I can’t allow myself to do that. I’ll hurt you. I hurt and ruin everything.” He turned to me, and our foreheads pressed against one another. His eyes were dilated, and as my hand lay against his chest, I could feel how his words hurt him. He parted his mouth and moved in close, whispering against my lips. “I’m not good enough for you, High.”
Liar.
He was everything good in my life.
“We can do this, Logan.”
“But… I’ll hurt you. I don’t want to, but I will somehow.”
“Kiss me once,” I said, and he listened. His mouth found mine, and he kissed me slow, pulling away even slower. My body tingled as he ran his fingers through my curls. “Kiss me twice.” He listened once more, lifting himself slightly so he hovered over my body. Our eyes locked, and he stared at me, as if he were trying to promise me forever, even though we only had our now. The second kiss was harder, hotter, more real. “Kiss me three times.”
His lips traveled down to my neck, where he massaged me with his tongue, sucking it slowly, making me push my hips up in his direction.
“Logan, I…” My voice was shaky as we lay in the darkened room. “I’ve never…” My cheeks heated up, and I couldn’t say the words. But he already knew.
“I know.”
My stomach fluttered as I bit my lip. “I want you to be my first.”
“You’re nervous?”
“I’m nervous.”
He grimaced slightly. “If you don’t want to—”
“But I do.”
“You’re beautiful.” His fingers combed my hair behind my ear.
“Still a little nervous.”
“Do you trust me?” he asked. I nodded. “Okay. Close your eyes.” I did as he told me, my heart beating faster and faster each second. What was going to happen first? Would it hurt? Would he hate it? Would I cry?
Tears were already forming in the back of my eyes.
I’d cry.
His mouth kissed the edge of my lips. “You’re safe, High,” he promised me. His hands slowly started to lift my oversized pajama T-shirt, and my body stiffened up. “You’re safe,” he whispered against my earlobe, sucking it gently. “Do you trust me?” he asked once more. My body relaxed, and I began to cry, not because I was nervous anymore, but because I’d never felt so safe.
“I do. I trust you.”
Each time a tear fell, he kissed it away.
He lifted the shirt off of my body inch by inch, tossing it to the side of the room. His mouth started high, and he worked his way down. Licking my neck, sucking my chest, his tongue outlining the curve of my bra, kissing every inch of my bare skin. “Alyssa,” he whispered, before reaching the edge of my panties. My breaths were heavy, and my hips arched up, needing him to keep touching me. My hands fell against my chest, feeling the way he controlled my heartbeats.
His voice filled with concern. “Tell me to stop, okay? If you need me to stop—”
“No…Please…”
He edged my panties down my legs, and each inch they moved, the faster my heart raced. “Alyssa,” he said once more. He looked up to me, locking eyes with me for a split second before spreading my legs wide on the bed and allowing his head to lower. When his tongue found me, I gasped out from the bliss of it all. My fingers twisted the sheets into my palms, and his tongue slid in and out of me. My mind was spinning. My heart somehow found a way to both speed up and completely stop beating. It was as if every few seconds I’d die, and his lips, his tongue, his soul, resuscitated me. I’d never known something so simple could feel so…
Logan…
“Please…” I panted, twisting and turning as he slid two fingers inside of me, thrusting them in slow, and pulling them out slower. Then, they thrust harder, faster, deeper…