Chapter 237: Vacation
Translator: imperfectluck Editor: Pranav
“Peace is so wonderful.”
As I sat in the plaza’s tea house and lightly tasted the fragrant tea in front of me, I felt as if I was leading a blessed life of retirement. I observed the calm winter scene before me.
Ever since returning to Diffindor, I had been satisfactorily enjoying this calm daily life, without needing to go to work, without needing to plan various things, only needing to sit here and watch the sunrise and sunset. What a dreamlike beautiful life it was.
“Boom!”
Yep, it seemed that Glina had arrived for my celebration party as she promised. So what if there was a slight sound of explosions? Everyone had their own hobbies; we should respect others’ freedom.
“Catch that bastard! He actually dares to get even worse than before!”
So what if there was a group of naked men running around before me? I already experienced so much at Sulfur Mountain City that I had long since gotten used to such things, and the new Town Security squad here seemed to have gotten used to it as well, but…
“It’s whatever for the others, but if people hear that the highest priest Xueti is involved as well, that’ll affect Wumianzhe’s reputation. It seems that I need to tell Lilith to keep that Tauren under permanent house arrest during the celebration festival. There are so many diplomats from various countries here, so let’s not have him lose face any longer.”
How could these small matters possibly impede me from continuing to slack off—I mean relax in such a good mood? I put in some effort to clear out what had just happened from my memory and poured some more tea for myself. I continued to slowly enjoy my peaceful life.
And then, a group of winged naked men paraded through the sky…
*Pu!*
My eyes were hollow as I gazed at Eaglestorm and his tribe in front of me. Partial transformation was supposed to be a high-level druid technique, so weren’t there too many these days that knew how to do it? When I looked closer, I saw many of the Blackwing Tribe. That was Camdian’s follower tribe.
“I hear that Eaglestorm’s druid sect has been quite successful recently in expanding their teachings. Last time, when I read the fairies’ report, they actually managed to steal two seats at the druids’ Voice of Nature conference, and even received the right to speak there. That Eaglestorm was even praised as the ‘most outstanding theoretical revolutionary’ of our generation. As expected, all druids’ brains are just mush; if this sect keeps spreading, there’s going to be more and more winged tribes that don’t wear clothes, which will be nothing more than mental pollution… I should give a heads-up to Town Security, yep, and they can even be target practice for our anti-air troops. No need to thank me; everyone has the responsibility to prevent cults from spreading. Please call me your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.”
“Selling potions, a big sale on alchemic potions! Complete effectiveness on anything from healing to keeping healthy. More than ten Gold-ranked alchemists worked together on these products, and every common potion can be found, at half price to boot! What are you waiting for? Anything that you want, we have in stock. Sex change potion? Super hair growth potion? Blue mighty man potion? [1] 1 Take a look, it’s our safe brand! And it’s definitely effective! Definitely safe!”
I looked at the gnome and his cart of potions walk in front of me with the familiar Beyar brothers’ “safe brand” on it. Most importantly, I even saw the “Miracle Alchemist” Olive’s brand on those potions; so, for the sake of Diffindor’s citizens’ safety as well as next year’s cleanliness rating, I unhesitatingly began writing my second report against someone.
Hmm? Why did I absolutely have to report against the Miracle Alchemist’s brand? Olive didn’t have that nickname at the time; her current nickname was “Alchemist of Randomness.” Her potion ingredients were random, their effects were random, the targets were random, and one batch of potions could have more than ten different effects. Who would dare touch such things?
“…Mommy. Why does that gnome not have any fur?”
“Don’t look; let’s hurry and go.”
Alright, I retract my previous statement. At the very least, this acolyte had professional ethics and tested the potion himself. Although this hair removal potion was a little too strong in its effectiveness, at the very least it worked, didn’t it?
Although having fur all over their bodies was basically the symbol of being a gnome, and a furless gnome was even more ridiculous in appearance than a hairless Alaskan husky dog, this acolyte’s willingness to sacrifice himself was praiseworthy.
“…I clearly drank a height-increasing potion. Man, those advertisements really can’t be trusted.”
Alright, this muttering didn’t escape my ears. I added yet another example to my report.
I knew that this wasn’t because Olive’s alchemy level wasn’t high enough. It was rather the opposite. She had too many ideas—she always loved changing the potion’s formula and creating new potion formulas. As a result, many dangerous products would be created.
Normally speaking, these products shouldn’t have had an opportunity to be sold outside, but unfortunately, Olive’s master, Jinya Beyar, was a pure gnome. How could a gnome possibly waste such valuable resources?
“Roland!? Oh, sorry, I mistook you for him.”
The person that suddenly walked past me was a certain witch who was carrying a cauldron filled with unknown objects. Recently, she seemed to have fallen in love with cooking. But now that I had finally returned to the mortal plane, which was filled with abundant tasty foods, how could I possibly volunteer myself to continue working on those damned food achievements?
“Big sister, are you looking for His Highness Roland? I saw that he went outside the west gate of town, riding on a horse. He probably left the city.”
Right now, I was currently pleased with myself at my foresight. In order to succeed at slacking off—whoops—I meant quietly being the handsome man I was, I took off my ring that could change my age, and enjoyed my vacation using my true appearance that nobody knew about.
“Tsk! He escaped again! But I clearly feel that he’s close by… Eh? Little boy, have you eaten lunch yet?”
“I have! I ate an incredible amount for breakfast.”
In Amelia’s cauldron of mysterious objects were tentacles and eyeballs. At such a time, anyone who wasn’t an idiot would instantly refuse and furiously shake their head, but…
“That’s perfect! I’m worried that you may vomit everything if your stomach was empty. Little boy, be my experiment—whoops—I mean taste this lunch that I personally cooked myself. I took so long to finish it, so it would be a waste to throw it away.”
I smiled, and then turned around and ran… but the vines beneath my feet instantly hung me upside-down. She had long since anticipated that I would attempt to escape.
With the terrifying witch forcing me and tying me up tightly all over, I increased all my food achievements by one point again in order to not expose my identity. It must have been difficult of Amelia to make her food into something so disgusting yet somehow not fatal every time.
“Ptui! Seafood and orange flavored? It’s slightly better than her last dish that tasted like burned rubber, but only ever so slightly. It’s even different every time; she’s so creative.”
But the strange thing was that even though she clearly didn’t realize that I was her main target, Amelia actually seemed to be delighted as she watched me eat it all. She even began humming as she cleaned away the dishes.
“In order to conquer a man, the best way is to conquer his stomach. The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, after all. Little boy, what did you think? Was it delicious?”
It was apparent that she had a misunderstanding about this classical phrase. If the word ‘conquer’ meant to “kill someone and force them to surrender,” then I felt that she had succeeded in her goal. At any rate, my stomach had thrown up countless white flags of surrender already, and lacked only a tiny bit more to go before it would completely revolt.
“Beautiful big sister, if I was your target, I have already been completely ‘conquered’ by your cooking. Please give it directly to your target next time; there’s no need to waste food by giving it to someone else.”
This wasn’t because I wanted to suddenly work on my food achievements again, nor was it that I didn’t want Amelia’s hard work to go to waste—I simply didn’t want to see someone die because of her. If even my constitution, which wasn’t human anymore, could suffer to such a degree under her cooking, most normal people would probably instantly die of poisoning.
It seemed that my sarcasm-laced words were too indirect. Amelia actually smiled and nodded, and it was evident that she was in an excellent mood.
“Yep, I won’t let anyone else eat it.”
Alright then, I said goodbye to this “big sister” who was preparing to go to another plane in order to gather ingredients for dinner, and seriously considered for about a minute whether I should consider hiding out in this form of mine or really leave the city and escape immediately, but that was when I met a new trouble.
This time, a group of royal knights ran in front of me, and their eyes were all searching the crowds. It was obvious that they were looking for someone.
“Has His Highness still not been located yet?”
“Lady Kelly said that if we don’t find His Highness today, none of us need to go back anymore. All of us will be performing a 500-kilometer marathon around the city.”
“All the countries’ diplomats are here, and so many major personages said that they want to meet His Highness Roland. Just what does His Highness Roland intend by disappearing like this?”
“The military also said that His Highness Roland needs to personally go discuss the military parade’s preparations with them; otherwise, they’re going to go on strike if we can’t find him.”
Upon hearing this, I brought out my personal disguise tool—wondrous black-rimmed glasses. As long as I had these, my face would be ignored no matter how close I was to them… Fine then, I was making this part up. I was just curious about how in those famous stories a person who everybody knew so well only needed to wear a pair of glasses and a hat and cause nobody to recognize them at all. Sometimes, it was even to the extent of fighting against friends, which would be a heartrending experience.
However, at the moment, these classical black-rimmed glasses would act as a double insurance for me. And in order to appear even more convincing, I absolutely needed to bring out the best weapon of children: lollipops. But the strange thing was, when I put on my black-rimmed glasses and brought out my lollipop, those knights actually noticed my presence.
“Lady Elisa said that His Highness Roland might disguise himself as a little child, and if we meet someone who suddenly tries to change his outer appearance when he sees us, such as putting on a hat or putting on some glasses…”
“She also said that ‘the old ones really like to use lollipops to pretend to be cute,’ and if we see any child that’s eleven or twelve years old but still sucking on a lollipop, then there’s no mistaking that it’s him.”
What else could I say? I turned around and ran without saying anything.
Alright, now that I was running, I was considered guilty even if I had really been innocent. Those low-level knights naturally ran after me, and as we ran, we ran into an empty little alleyway.
Ten-ish seconds later, I exited the alleyway, with a horde of tin cans collapsed on the ground behind me.
“You really thought you could take me on? Before you go fishing, you should first consider if your fishing pole can carry the fish’s weight or not. Didn’t Elisa tell you to be careful of me getting angry out of too much embarrassment?”
“Is that Roland?”
I couldn’t help but sigh. Why was I always being seen through? It would appear that my disguise was useless, but just as I was preparing myself to use a memory-erasing kick, I saw a nightmarish figure.
“Little Rolo!”
This figure jumping at me, wasn’t it the “fierce dog” Momo that had just finished the task of helping the gray elves to settle in? Of course, there was also Diana who was looking at me with an expression filled with surprise.
What else could I say? I continued to flee.
“I’ve had enough! I don’t want to do anything at all until it’s my birthday, and nobody can stop me from having my vacation!”
Note:
1. Euphemism here, Viagra reference.