The list of my suggestions blurred before me, and my stomach hurt. It was impossible to concentrate on anything other than Abby. With a sigh, I put the list down and picked up my speech. I stared at it for thirty minutes before I realized I hadn’t read a single word. I wasn’t even sure how I’d be able to face the gathering tomorrow, much less give a speech.
The clock said it was four o’clock. Years ago, before Abby entered my life, it was nothing for me to be awake at this time of morning. But when she moved in with me, I’d grown used to going to bed with her and falling asleep listening to her breathe and with her soft warmth surrounding me. The nights became more than a time to sleep or work; they’d become a time to reconnect and revive.
Now the night was lonely and without her in my arms, it was only dark.
I put the speech away. That wasn’t going to be worked on, either.
I went back into the bedroom and knelt beside the bed where she slept. Careful not to wake her, I gently lifted the hair that had fallen across her face.
“I love you,” I whispered. “And no matter what it takes, I’ll make this right.”
She sighed in her sleep. And while I realized that, though there were many things I could put into place or change, there was one item I could take care of right away.
“Where’s Abby?” Daniel asked the next morning. He and Julie had met me in the courtyard where it was quiet. The play equipment had been put away and the only music was the occasional sound of a bird chirping.
“She’s talking with Lynne and the kids.” Much easier to say that than to tell him the whole truth. I fucked up last night and Abby isn’t talking to me. “Julie, if you’d like to see her, why don’t you go on up to our room? She’ll let you in.”
Julie nodded and gave Daniel a kiss before heading upstairs.
“Is she coming down when she finishes?” Daniel asked.
“I honestly don’t know.”
He leaned back in his chair and his eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t look like you slept last night. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. No.”
“Offer stands.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
This morning had been hell. She’d spoken to me only to say she wasn’t ready to talk about anything and that she would let me know when she was. I didn’t have a chance to reply before she pulled out her laptop, slipped on her headphones, and started writing.
And I stood there ready to discuss what I’d done wrong and the decisions I’d made in the early-morning hours, and simply nodded.
Across the table, Daniel took a deep breath. I wasn’t fooling him. He clearly knew something had happened between me and Abby. “Okay,” he said, accepting that whatever it was wasn’t up for discussion. “I know you’ve talked to Luke DeVaan about building a club for the Partners in Play group. What do you think about incorporating the bulk of these changes when that opens?”
My mind had been on nothing but Abby for the last twelve or so hours. Now, forced to think about something else, I felt relieved, but also just a bit guilty. Guilty, because how could I focus on anything with things as they were between me and Abby?
“I think that will be fine.” I forced the situation with Abby out of my head for the moment. “As long as we don’t allow anyone new until then.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking and why I suggested we wait. I think it’d be good for the current members to grow more connected, stronger as a group. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but I think with a stronger group dynamic, everything about the group strengthens.” He shrugged. “I think that’s worth taking a break from adding new members for.”
“In that case, a lot of the other things we came up with will be taken care of by the new building. We’ll have video cameras installed. Someone dedicated to front desk duty. There will actually be a front desk. All doors will have built-in windows so rooms can be checked at any time. And there’ll be a separate aftercare area.”“I really like the things you’re adding to the new building. This is exciting.”
“And, like Abby pointed out to me, it’s important that you and Julie won’t be burdened with the responsibility of hosting the group so often.”
“We didn’t mind.”
“I know, but it’s still a lot for one couple.”
He didn’t argue with that. “What are some other ideas you had?”
“We propose anyone wanting to join has to be recommended by a group member. Then once someone is applying, he has to meet with a senior member. And the new member has to be observed in play by a senior member. Even then, once admitted, he or she is a probationary member for a year.”
“This sounds really good.”
“Thank you. We also thought about having an electronic database of member information and checklists. It would be handy to have that information readily available and it would give us the ability to match people up. The downside is having all that information in an electronic database might make some people uncomfortable. We need to come up with a way to code everything to guarantee anonymity.”
“I knew you were the right man for this. I believe all these things will go a long way to ensure that everyone is safe.”
His words punched me in the gut. I wasn’t the right man for the job, and I certainly hadn’t kept Abby safe.
“Nathaniel?” he asked. “Are you okay? Did I say something?”
“I fucked up.”
“Oh?”
“With Abby. Last night.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how to fix it and she’s not talking to me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was so bad. We caused a scene and everything. The Dungeon Monitor came by to check on us because we were creating such a disturbance.”
He gave a low whistle.
“Yeah,” I said softly. “After that, we went back to the room and she told me off again and went to bed.”
“From the way you look, you didn’t sleep at all.”
“I used to do it all the time.”
“You were probably ten years younger.”
“True, I don’t remember it feeling this way.”
He chuckled. “Hell, if I tried to do the things I did ten years ago, I’d be in a serious mess.”