He cocks an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
No. “Yeah, I’m absolutely sure.” I sound kind of choked, but I don’t think he notices. I feel bad, but at the same time I can’t help how I feel. I’m never really sure about anything. I get anxious when it comes to huge decisions and that makes me hesitate every single time. If I had my way, it wouldn’t be like that, but sometimes things are out of our control when it comes to who we are.
“Vows it is then.” He smiles and it makes me sad. I want to be as happy as he is. I really do. But sometimes it seems like it’s impossible, no matter how hard I try.
* * *
I fall asleep somewhere between the exit ramp and the bridge that stretches over the lake that’s at the edge of Star Grove, the one I almost jumped off of the night before I ran away to Vegas. By the time I open my eyes again, we’re pulling up to Micha’s old house, which is next door to mine. The sun is ascending from behind the mountains that surround our little town and snow blankets the lawns around us. It’s freezing here, and the sidewalks and driveways are all glazed in ice. Silver, green, and red Christmas lights twinkle on some of the nearby houses, but most of the front yards in this neighborhood are decorated with broken-down cars, boxes, trash. There’s a younger guy who I’m pretty sure is selling drugs on the street corner, and a guy yelling at his wife as she storms down the sidewalk in her pajamas.
“Welcome home,” Micha mutters, and then yawns, stretching his lean arms above his head.
I cover my mouth as I yawn. “You should have let me drive a little. You seriously look tired.”
“I am seriously tired,” he says, silencing the engine. “And I plan on getting some sleep just as soon as you take a shower with me.” He flashes me a grin and then pulls the keys out of the ignition. “That’ll wear me out and I’ll be able to fall right to sleep afterward.”
“Dude, shut the fuck up,” Ethan grumbles, making a disgusted face. His black hair is flat on one side where his head was against the window and he has his tattooed arms around Lila as she sleeps with her head on his chest.
“Hey, you can’t give us crap,” I tell Ethan, unbuckling my seat belt. “I’m officially scarred for life after yesterday.”
“What happened yesterday?” Micha asks as he cracks open the door and cold air rushes into the car.
Ethan shoots me a dirty glare, but I ignore him. “I came home from work,” I tell Micha, “and heard some very disturbing noises coming from the guestroom.”
“Nice,” Micha says and then flinches when I punch him in the arm. “What? If it’ll make you feel better we can make a whole bunch of noise in the shower and pay them back.”
“Please don’t,” Ethan pleads grumpily as he stretches his free arm above his head. “I’ve heard enough from you two to last me a lifetime.”
“Okay, this is getting really awkward,” Lila mumbles with her eyes still shut. “Can we all just pretend that we haven’t heard each other have sex… or phone sex?”
And that’s my cue to get out of the car since she’s referring to the time Micha and I had phone sex while I was still sharing an apartment with Lila while Micha was on the road. As I step out into the snow, Micha laughs and Ethan cracks a joke underneath his breath. Ignoring them, I slam the door and wind around to the back of the car, leaving my tracks in the snow.
Thankfully, I thought ahead and wore my lace-up boots and a pair of jeans, otherwise I’d be freezing. I don’t have a jacket on, though, and my hair’s pulled up in a ponytail so my neck’s exposed to the icy air. I wrap my arms around myself and wait for Micha to come open the trunk as I stare at my house next door.
I can tell my dad’s been out and about because of the fresh tire tracks going up and down the driveway and the fact that his Firebird is parked near the back steps, the windows defrosted. Beside the car is the tree that Micha used to climb up almost every night to sleep with me. I used to hate the tree because I climbed up it the night my mom died, but now, looking at it, I can’t help but smile because it was the thing that brought Micha to me many times.
“Baby, where’s your jacket?” Micha asks as he struts around to the back of the car, slipping off his own jacket.
“I think it’s in my suitcase.” I force my attention away from my house and onto him as he hands me his jacket and I distractedly slip it on. He’s so God damn gorgeous it’s distracting. I wish I could just draw him all the time. He’d probably let me if I asked, telling me he belongs to me and I can do whatever I want with him.
I absentmindedly rub my thumb across the ring on my finger as I feel the reality of the thought. That we belong together. Him and me. Forever.
He looks down at my ring and then takes my hand and reaches out to sketch his finger around the diamond band twisted in knots that encase a black stone. “I’m still surprised how well you’re handling this.”
“What? Being engaged?” I shiver from the cold, or maybe it’s from his touch.
A pucker forms at his brow as he glances down at the ring on my finger. “Over the fact that we’re going to get married…” He looks over at my house. “Here, with everyone.”
My muscles tense, but I joke to lighten the tension building inside me. “Give me a few days and we’ll see if you still think I’m handling it well. You might not even want to marry me anymore.”“You know as well as I do that we’re going to get married.” His eyes darken with desire as his voice deepens. “Just like we both know that I’m going to fuck you when we take a shower in just a few minutes.”
His voice sends tingles all over my body, a flurry of hot sparks. “I swear to God, sometimes you are the horniest person in the world.”
“Nah, I’m just a guy who’s completely attracted to his beautiful fiancée.” He leans in to give me a kiss on the lips, before popping the trunk.
I grab my bag and slide the handle over my shoulder. “You’re always over complimenting me. You know that?”
He swings the duffel bag over his shoulder and looks like he’s resisting an eye roll. “Don’t worry, I’ll stop when your head gets too big, but I doubt that’ll ever happen.” He picks up a large bag and chucks it over the roof of the car to Ethan, who catches it against his stomach with a grunt.
“Jesus, a little warning would be nice,” Ethan says as he slides the handle of the bag over his arm.
Micha grabs Lila’s suitcase and extends the handle, lowering the bag down to the snowy driveway. “You guys are staying here, right?” Micha calls out to Ethan, slamming the trunk shut.
Ethan shrugs, looking at Lila, who shrugs too. “I was planning on it.” He drapes his arm around Lila’s shoulder and she cuddles against his chest as they hike through the snow for the back door, leaving Micha and me to finish unloading the trunk by ourselves. “You know I like your place more than my own.”
“Only because my mom lets us do whatever the hell we want,” Micha points out.
“True,” Ethan calls out.
We follow them to the side door of the house that’s right in front of the garage where Micha used to work on his car all the time and I would hang out with him because it was the only place I felt at home.
“God, Lila, this thing is heavy,” Micha remarks as he drags Lila’s suitcase in the snow behind him. “What the hell did you pack?”
“Normal stuff,” Lila says, looking offended.
Ethan opens the back door and steps into the kitchen. “She overpacks.”
“Hey,” Lila protests, bumping her elbow into Ethan’s side as she steps into the house. “I’m a lot better than I used to be.”
“True,” Ethan agrees, following her in and letting the screen door bang shut.
“Is your mom home?” I ask as Micha lifts the suitcase up the steps.
He shrugs, opening the screen door. “Maybe.” He pushes the suitcase into the kitchen while holding the door open with his elbow. “She might have had to work the morning shift, though, or she might be out with Thomas.”
I hitch my finger through the handle of the bag. “But you told her, right? That we were coming?” I step inside the kitchen and into the warm air, stomping my boots on the mat just in front of the threshold. “And why we were coming?” I sound so nervous. Damn it. I need to chill out.
Micha shakes his head as he shuts the door. “I thought we could do it together.”
My eyes skim the small kitchen I ate many meals in while I was growing up. If I hadn’t, I probably would have starved. “Sounds good, I guess.”
He pauses near the kitchen table. “Unless you’re not okay with that.”
“No, I’m okay with that,” I tell him, attempting to push through my nerves. I can do this. It’s not that scary. You’ve been living together for six months. Hell, you pretty much lived with him since you were four. “We should do it together.”
He nods, but his aqua eyes are still fixed on me, like he’s trying to read my soul. I kind of wish he could so he would tell me what it says, because sometimes I’m not so sure.
After a few intense moments of staring at me, he gives me a smile and then grabs hold of my hand. He steers me around the narrow counter area and toward the hallway that leads to his bedroom. Lila and Ethan head to the other end of the house where there’s a small guest bedroom Ethan used to crash in all the time while we were growing up.
Micha kicks his bedroom door open and I can’t help but smile as vivid memories rush back to me: the room where we grew up, where we spent many nights together, where he proposed to me. They’re beautiful memories and they remind me of why I’m going to marry him. I hold my breath for a moment as the thought slams straight into my chest again, like it did right before I was supposed to go to the wedding. My heart rate picks up as I glance at the window, thinking how easy it would be for me to run. I’ve done it once and I could do it again, but deep down in the bottom of my heart, buried below my anxiety, I know I don’t want to. I suck a slow breath through my nose and exhale out my mouth. Relax. I need to stop panicking.