"Besides, there are features in my own case which I did not

present to you in my friend's. One of them was the fear of being

found out. Dearest, I must not shield myself behind the sweet

excuse you find for me. I did think of the other man. It wasn't

that I was afraid that he would intimidate me, and so corrupt my

love. Not all the tyrannies of the world could do that now. But if

from revenge or a desire to wrest me away from you by making you

cast me off he told you his story before I had told you mine! That

was a day-long and night-long terror, and now I confess it lest

you should think me better than I am.

"Another thing you did not know. Dearest, I would give my life to

spare you the explanation, but I must tell you everything. You

know who the man is, and it is true before God that he alone was

to blame. But my own fault came afterwards. Instead of cutting him

off, I continued to be on good terms with him, to take the income

he allowed me from my father's estate, and even to think of him as

my future husband. And when your speech in the piazza seemed to

endanger my prospects I set out to destroy you.

"It is terrible. How can I tell you and not die of shame? Now you

know how much I deceived you, and the infamy of my purpose makes

me afraid to ask for pardon. To think that I was no better than a

Delilah when I met you first! But Heaven stepped in and saved you.

How you worked upon me! First, you re-created my father for me,

and I saw him as he really was, and not as I had been taught to

think of him. Then you gave me my soul, and I saw myself. Darling,

do not hate me. Your great heart could not be capable of a cruelty

like that if you knew what I suffered.

"Last of all love came, and I wanted to hold on to it. Oh, how I

wanted to hold on to it! That was how it came about that I went on

and on without telling you. It was a sort of gambling, a kind of

delirium. Everything that happened I took as a penance. Come

poverty, shame, neglect, what matter? It was only wiping out a

sinful past, and bringing me nearer to you. But when at last he

who had injured me threatened to injure you through me, I was in

despair. You could never imagine what mad notions came to me then.

I even thought of killing myself, to end and cover up everything.

But no, I could not break your heart like that. Besides, the very

act would have told you something, and it was terrible to think

that when I was dead you might find out all this pitiful story.




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