He shakes his head, clearly still irritated with me. ‘Stop making jokes.’ He sinks down on the bed, causing the mattress to concave and me to slide toward him. ‘I don’t even … I can’t even …’ When his gaze welds with mine, I want to shrink back and hide under the blankets. I’ve been scolded many, many times by people throughout my life, but never like this, never with so much passion, disappointment, terror and worry in their eyes. ‘What the hell were you thinking? Leaving the house … going into the water … God dammit! ‘His hands ball into fists and he looks like he wants to break something.
I flinch from the harsh tone of his voice, but still sit up straight even though my back hurts. ‘I was thinking how much I didn’t want to think anymore. How much it hurts to think. How hard it is.’
‘You promised me you wouldn’t leave the apartment and you’d check in with Seth, none of which you did.’
‘I don’t need a babysitter, Luke. I’ve told you this time and time again.’
With a hard expression, he raises my arm and flicks the hospital band. ‘Clearly you do … do you know how f**king worried I was when I couldn’t get a hold of you.’ He shakes his head, his jaw set tight, and his balled up fists are trembling. ‘And then I find you drunk, soaking wet, with a hospital band on your wrist, and that makes it that much worse.’
I slip my hand from his hold, feeling ashamed of what I did. Luke knows, like knows, knows my dirty little secret. Unlike the nurse at the hospital, I can’t just lie to him and tell him everything was an accident. And honestly I don’t want to. ‘I f**ked up. It’s what I do, Luke. I’m sorry, but there’s not much else I can say.’
His gaze bores into me as he scoots closer on the bed until our knees touch Then he rests his forehead against mine, like he needs to touch me. ‘Why did you f**k up?’ he says, his voice much more gentler.
One simple question. But it’s packed with so much emotion and I feel like I’m drowning again. I open my mouth to tell him I don’t want to talk about it, but then I realize that whether I want to or not, I need to. I made my choice when I decided to fight instead of drown that I was going to deal with this.
‘Detective Stephner called today,’ I say quietly. ‘Something’s happened with the case.’
He’s struggling to keep a neutral expression as I lean back from him. ‘Okay … What is it?’ he asks.
Everything I felt when I heard the voicemail rushes through me. The fear. The relief. The worry. The excitement. The disappoint of realizing that even if they to solve my parent’s case, my parents will still be gone – nothing will change that. I still have no one. No mother. Father. No relatives. Nothing. And that the past still exists, that this didn’t free me, that I might never be free. And then the revelation and the fear that I could lose him also set me off, what was what nearly killed me.
But I chose to live. Chose not to drown. That has to mean something, right? That I don’t want to die.
‘They arrested your mother two days ago and transferred her here.’ My voice unsteady as I feel my life shifting and altering, to something that’s unfamiliar and terrifying. ‘They want me to come down and do a lineup, see if I recognize her … I don’t think I will be able to but it’s something I have to do.’ I shrug like I’m talking about something as casual as the weather. ‘If all goes well, they’ll be a trial. She’ll be in prison … if all goes well, they’ll figure out who killed my parents.’ I swallow hard. ‘Nothing’s ever going to be the same again … I know it isn’t … it’s going to change everything … and I know … I know I’m going to end up alone.’ I feel so vulnerable admitting the truth, ashamed, weak, so many things. ‘I just want to be stronger,’ I admit. ‘Why can’t I be stronger, like I used to?’ Because I didn’t have anything to lose to begin with.
His eyes skim every inch of me, making me tingle all over and he’s not even touching me and it seems like he wants to say something, but can’t figure out what it is. The silence stretches between us. It seems like the longest silence ever, the kind that seems like it’s never going to end and I know that the longer it goes on, the worse the words that follow it will be.
Finally his lips part and words spill out. ‘I love you.’
At first I think I’ve heard him wrong, but his eyes widen as I process what the f**k he just said.
‘Huh?’ I blink, stunned as shit. ‘W-what did you just say?’
More silence stretches between us, only this time it’s filled with our erratic breathing. It makes me want to retract my initial statement. This is the longest silence that’s ever existed. And it’s awkward as hell. Luke looks utterly perplexed, his brows dipped in, his thinking face on as if he’s replaying what he just said over in his head while thoughts race through my flabbergasted mind. Did he just say he loves me? Loves me? No one’s ever said that to me since I was five, since my parents were still alive.
‘Oh my God.’ They’re the first words that leave my mouth. I don’t know where they came from or what I mean by them. All I know is that feels like the wind’s been knocked out of me and I feel like I’m being strangled.
‘I didn’t mean to say that,’ he finally says, but it doesn’t seem like he regrets saying them either. He’s way too calm. Way, way to calm while I’m freaking out. ‘I mean, I did mean to say it, just not right now.’ He forces a half smile as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. ‘Way bad timing, right?’
I gape at him, my mouth hanging to my knees, at a loss for words. He’s acting like this isn’t a big deal, but it is. A huge, f**ked up, confusing deal that I don’t know how to comprehend or handle.
I remain quiet to the point that it feels like I want to bang my head on the wall just to make some noise. I keep staring at Luke, unable to take my eyes off him. Part of me, the one connected to the side of my mind that still wants to believe in fairytales, unicorns, and all that imaginary shit, tells myself that the only reason I’m sitting here with him still is because my legs hurt too much to get up and walk away. But the other part of me, the one connected to the part of my mind that laughs at me when I’m trying to lie to myself, tells me that I’m still sitting here because I want to be here. And that in itself is horrifying.
‘Violet, please say something.’ There’s a plea in Luke’s voice, begging me to … break the awkwardness? To maybe say it back? I don’t know if that’s it, but what I do know is that I can’t. I don’t even know what love is.
‘I need to get down to the police station.’ I stare at him a second or two longer before tearing my gaze off him. ‘Detective Stephner is probably wondering where the hell I am by now.’ I don’t know how, but I manage to get my legs under me and stand up without falling back down. Then I slowly step toward the dresser to get some clean clothes.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to wait until the tomorrow?’ he asks. ‘Get some rest before you go?’
‘I just want to get this over with.’ I select a red shirt, a pair of jeans, and a matching bra and panties. I think about asking him to step out so I can change, but worry that’ll just make this situation even more awkward. It’s not like I normally ask him to step out. In fact, I sometimes strip in front of him to tease him. So I remove my shirt off and toss it on the floor, the bracelet getting caught in the fabric in the process. ‘Hey, you didn’t by chance find a silver bracelet, did you? And put it on me? ‘I ask as casually as I can as I work to untangle the bracelet form my dress.
‘No … Why … And what bracelet?’
‘Just a bracelet …’ I clear my throat, knowing he’s going to be upset that I didn’t tell him about the box a while ago, but figuring I’m going to have to if I want to get to the bottom of why the bracelet was on my arm. So I tell him, not just about the box but how I swear it wasn’t on my wrist when I left the house yesterday evening.
He scratches his head as I finally take off the bracelet and tug it from the dress, ripping the fabric a little. ‘Are you sure you didn’t have it on and maybe just thought you took it off.’
Once I get the bracelet out of the fabric, I set it on the dresser. ‘Maybe … but I don’t even like it on me at all so it’d be weird if I did leave it there.’
His frown deepens while studying me as I struggle to get my bra on through the pain radiating through my back. ‘Well, it could just be that you accidentally forgot to take it off, but I still think you should say something to the Detective, considering the box that showed up the other night … Preston’s getting more.’ He grinds his teeth. ‘More daring.’
‘God, what if he was in the house … but how could he even get it on me without me knowing …’ I trail off as images of me in the river and a figure in the distance appear in my head. The crowd standing around me as I lay on the ground, choking up water. Was he there? In the middle of them? No, there’s no way Preston could have been there, yet I swear I see his haunting face in the memory. I think about telling Luke my conclusion, but I’ve already stressed him out enough for the day, so I decide to just tell the detective. ‘Okay, I’ll bring it up.’
Luke relaxes then stands up from the bed. ‘Here let me help you get that on.’
I tense as he crosses the room, stopping so close, and heat pours over my skin like warm honey. Within seconds he has the bra done up, then without saying anything, he takes the clean shirt from my hand and helps me pull it over my head. He lets me use his shoulder to support my weight while I put my panties and jeans on.
‘You want me to go with you?’ he asks as I fasten the button on my jeans.
‘To the police station?’ I flip my hair out of the collar of my shirt, getting a whiff of the damp stench flowing off the locks. Jesus, I need a shower.
Luke nods with uneasiness. ‘Yeah, I can give you a ride and then wait for you in the parking lot.’
‘What if it takes a while?’ I slip my foot into one of my boots, then lean over to tie it, moving slowly because of the pain.
After watching me struggle for a few seconds, he crouches down and ties my boot for me. ‘I’m sure it will, but I don’t want you going there alone, especially after everything that’s been going on.’
‘I could ask Greyson to come with me maybe.’ I’m trying to give him an out because there’s no way he could want to go with me, not with what I’m about to do. ‘That might be easier.’
Looking up from me, he arches a brow with accusation. ‘For who exactly? You? Or me?’
‘You … I mean, it’s your mom … in jail … and I’m going there to try and help keep her there … won’t it be weird?’
Shaking his head and not say anything, he helps me put my other boot on. Then he stands back up and looks me directly in the eye with passion pouring off him as he places his hands on my shoulders. ‘Violet let me get something straight. Right here. Right now. My mother physically, mentally, and emotionally beat me and tormented me.’ His voice cracks, but he quickly clears it and keeps going. ‘She broke my sister Amy, let someone rape her … is part of the reason why Amy decided to take her own life. Every single day living with her was like spending a year in hell. I f**king hate her, wish I was the one putting her in jail, so believe me when I tell you that I want this to happen too – I want her to be locked up forever.’
I know a lot about Luke through tidbits of stories we’ve shared with each other whenever we’re in our room in the dark, but never so bluntly, so openly like this. I have to catch my breath before I speak. What I really want to do is kiss him, but I’m too afraid after what he just said … with the whole I love you thing. Afraid of what it’ll mean … to him … to me. ‘Alright, come with me.’ Then I take his hand and we walk side by side and, for the briefest second, I feel like I’m stepping into the future for once instead of drowning in the past. Maybe this is why I chose not to drown. But then I remember where I’m going and the past catches up with me again.
Chapter 9
Luke
I can tell she doesn’t want me to go inside the station with her but it worries me, her going in to face the woman who was part of one of the worst days of her life. To see her again … I can’t even imagine how that’s going to make her feel. Violet’s pretending like it’s not a big deal but I know it is. No wonder she had a break down yesterday.
I don’t think that Detective Stephner would appreciate me being in there, though, so I make it easy for Violet and tell her I’ll wait for her in the truck. Instantly my mind starts to race with thoughts of what’s going on inside, what I said to Violet today, with what’s going to happen with us. Not just with my mother being caught finally, but after what I said to her. I love her. I’ve known that for weeks now, but I’ve been waiting until we were both ready before I said it aloud, wanted to be on better terms in both our lives and our relationship. But it sort of slipped out. I’m not even sure how, other than I was thinking about my shitty life with my mother and how glad I was that she was finally going to be behind bars. I started thinking of my life now and how much better it is, how much happier I am, even with all the complications. And how glad I am that I have Violet. Then Violet said something about how she was worried she’d be alone and suddenly, the words sort of slipped out because I wanted her to understand that I would never leave her. That she means way too much for that to ever happened, but instead of bringing her comfort it frightened her and, honestly, it kind of stung.