Because in the end, it has to be my choice.
Two hours, five Eagles songs, and one ‘Songs that Remind me of Violet’ mixed tape later, we’re pulling up to the cemetery I’ve been dreading coming to. It’s bad enough in my dreams, but seeing it in real life it’s …
‘It’s so empty and quiet,’ I whisper, as I press my face to the window and stare out at the frosted ground dotted with headstones.
Luke puts the truck in park and leaves the engine running. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’ he asks.
I shake my head with hesitancy. ‘No, this is something I have to do on my own.’
It takes me at least fifteen minutes to get out of the truck, but Luke waits patiently in my silence never questioning or pushing me, one of the things that I love about him. Finally, I get the door open and step out into the snow. It takes me another ten minutes before I actually make it through the gate and into the cemetery itself.
This is the first time I’ve ever stepped foot into a cemetery since I was five years old. The air is cold, the trees leafless, the headstones all a painful reminder of why I’m here – who I’m here to see. Lana told me that it would be good for me. That it’d be healthy to finally face this milestone in my life. That I’ve been doing so well and that maybe it’s time, not necessarily to say goodbye to my parents, but to accept that they’re gone and that I’m still alive and that that is okay.
I don’t even know how I find their headstones so easily. Maybe it’s my subconscious or maybe I just luck out, but it only takes me a few minutes of wandering around before I see two Hayes’ tombstones, side by side.
I sit down in front of them, in the snow, even though it’s freezing. I trace hearts patterns in the frost, avoid saying anything for the longest time, but then it all comes spilling out suddenly.
‘I used to be so lost.’ I pick at the frostbitten grass as the wind dances around me. ‘In fact, I’ve been lost since you guys had to go, up until a month or so ago.’
‘It might sound weird,’ I say. ‘But I felt like if I let myself have direction, have purpose, let people into my life, care for them, that eventually it would all be taken away from me and I’d be left alone again, drowning in my pain. In the weather, the words of the people around me, in the eyes of others.’ I scoop up a handful of snow and let it slowly slip from my fingertips. ‘I used to be so good at masking off my emotions. I had these little tricks, ways to numb myself to the point that anything I was feeling inside was overpowered by an emotion much stronger than any other. Fear. The fear of death. Although, I worked a little different.’
I let the grass go in my hand, sit back and utter words I’ve never dared to truly say aloud before. ‘Death wasn’t so much a thrill as a panicking thrill to me. Was I terrified of dying?’ I consider the question and admit the truth. ‘I thought I wasn’t – thought I was fearless. But it turns out I wasn’t … turns out I didn’t want to die. It took me a while and a lot of self-torture to realize that. That really what I wanted was what I was most afraid of.’
Tears sting my eyes as emotions prick inside me but I let them come because I know that eventually they calm down and I’ll survive through it. ‘Things haven’t been so easy for me, mostly because of my own doing. I guess that’s what I’ve learned over the last few months … Lana told me that’s what I was supposed to do here,’ I mutter. ‘Admit what I’ve learned – how I’ve healed.’ I pause, gathering all the strength I have in me. I have to glance over my shoulder at Luke in his truck and that gives me the extra boost I need. ‘What I’ve learned is that I wasn’t just pushing myself toward death. That I put a wall up around myself to keep me away from everyone, so I wouldn’t have to feel anything because no one can hurt you if they don’t know you, right? That was my motto in life. I think it partly came from being passed through foster family after foster family, but some of it stemmed from the fact that I experienced a loss so great that I never wanted to feel it again.’
I start to choke up and the letters on the headstone become blurry, beginning to melt away. ‘But I’m getting better. I can’t take all the credit, though. I’ve got some great friends and a boyfriend who help me every single day. I’m even going to a therapist. It’s crazy, but for once things actually feel okay.’ I raise my wrist and pull back my sleeve, showing that I have the bracelet with Sempre on it. ‘I’ve been doing a little research and found out that you guys went to Italy for your honeymoon because dad has a little bit of Italian in him. I’m not sure how mom got the bracelet exactly, but I’d like to think that you gave it to her while you were there. It seems like such a nice story.’ I lower my hand to my lap and let the tears pour out, knowing that my story will always be just a story, that I’ll never know for sure, but that there’s nothing I can do about that but accept it and hold onto what I do have – my life.
With tears still flowing from my eyes, I lean forward and press my hand to my mother’s headstone. ‘I do miss you … God, I miss you …’ The tears flood my eyes, overpowering me. My initial reaction is to force them back, stop them, but it’s why I’m here. Live and learn. I move my hand to my father’s next and start to sob. ‘I wish you could be here to meet everyone … I wish a lot of things … but I guess that’s another thing that I’ve learned. Wishes are just wishes. Destiny is just destiny. And neither really has control over your life. Shit happens, shapes our lives, but it doesn’t have to shape who we are. And I’m trying now, to be a daughter you can both be proud of.’ I suck in another breath and say the last thing I need to say. ‘I love you both. I’ll love you forever.’
I let myself cry until my tears become frozen to my eyes, until the sadness in my heart shifts to contentment, then I get up and make my way back to the truck, wiping the tears from my eyes.
‘Are you okay?’ Luke asks as I hop in and shut the door.
I give one last look at the cemetery and then turn to him. ‘You know what, I really, really I am.’ I can’t help myself. I lean over and kiss him because in the end, it’s all I need. Just Luke and I, and the certainty of our future.
Epilogue
Two years and one month later…
Luke
‘This scarf smells like cheese,’ I say, biting back a laugh. Please, let me take it off before the smell gets stuck in my nostrils.’
‘Still not taking it off,’ he says, clearing amused with himself.
I’ve been cracking jokes left and right for the last hour to entertain myself, since Luke won’t tell me where we’re driving to. It’s driving me crazy; Christmas day, a spontaneous trip for which I have to be blindfolded the entire time. What the hell? Yeah, that was pretty much my response when I opened my present and there was the little piece of paper which he’d put in the box with the scarf. It wasn’t a good a present as last year, but I’m assuming it’s because our whole ‘seize the holiday’ motto is starting to die down.
‘Pretty please.’ I clasp my hands together and give him my best begging look.
He chuckles. ‘No way.’
Dammit. It’s the eyes that always win him over. That’s why this isn’t working – because he can’t see my eyes.
Sighing, I give up and sit back in the seat, enduring the last half an hour in eager anticipation, listening to a tape that I know is labeled with my name.
Finally the truck stops and I hear him put it in park. I wait for him to tell me to take off the blindfold, but instead all I hear is him switching tapes, then he gets out of the truck.
What the hell?
I reach to take my blindfold off as ‘The River’ by Manchester Orchestra starts playing through the stereo, really, really loud. A memory tickles at my mind and I throw off the blindfold. ‘Oh my God.’ My jaw instantly drops at the sight of the snowy mountains and trees before me, highlighted by the headlights of his truck.
Luke is waiting for me at the front of the truck, kicking the tips of his boots against the snow with his hands in the pockets of his coat. It takes me a moment or two to get the courage to do so, knowing that once I step foot out the door everything is about to change. I have to really think about it. Do I want that change?
Yes, I do. God, do I want the change.
With a trembling heart and fingers, I push open the door and step outside, leaving the door open so the music can flow outside. Luke doesn’t look up at me until I’m halfway around the truck, about to step up to him.
His eyes are filled with nerves and he’s shivering either from the cold or from the fact that he’s clearly nervous. ‘Now, if you listen really quietly,’ he says, cupping his ear as he leans toward the trees. ‘You can hear the faintest sound of crazy animals.’
I press my lips together, trying not to smile at the fact that he remembers that almost two years ago I set up this scenario, when a guy proposed to a girl in a restaurant in what I thought was a very cliché way.
I make my way over to him and he reaches into his pocket to take something out. I hold my breath in anticipation but then frown in confusion when he holds out the silver bracelet that belonged to my mother.
‘I thought you should have this on when this happened, so that your parents could be with you in a way.’ I try not to cry as he puts the bracelet on my wrist, but a tear or two slips from my eyes. Then he steps back and pats his pockets before letting out a breath. ‘Now, I know getting down on one knee is a little cliché.’ His smile is all nerves but it’s ridiculously adorable. ‘But I’m going to do it anyway.’
I suck in a deep breath as he drops down to his knee right there in the snow. Then he pulls out a small black box from his jacket and holds it up. ‘Violet Hayes, will you marry me?’
He opens the box up and if I wasn’t already going to say yes, I would have now. Because what’s inside it is my ring – the purple one surrounded by onyx gems that I was once given as a Christmas present, before it was taken away. Of course it’s not the exact same ring. It looks a bit smaller, but a bit shiner. It looks a bit more perfect.
I’m not going to cry, I tell myself. Because even though I let myself feel everything now, I don’t want to be that girl that sobs like a baby because she’s going to get married.
But I turn into that girl, tears pouring out of my eyes as I nod my head. Then getting back my dignity, I say, ‘Hell yeah, I’ll marry you.’
He laughs, but it looks like tears are staining his eyes too, the big softy that he is. Then he gets to his feet, puts the ring on my finger, and kisses me the way he’s been kissing me every day for two years.
With passion.
With certainty.
With love.