In an instant I’m struck by a veil of light. A new light. Something altogether different. Its dark green, flecked with sparkling blue, and much more forceful than the shimmering veil. In fact it’s quite aggressive as it penetrates me, so edgy and poisoning that I actually flinch.
James and Sara are now no longer hugging but talking, and I can’t absorb a word they’re saying. I can’t think straight. My mind is swimming.
Sara puts her arm around James’ waist and leads him back to the living room. I don’t follow. I just stare at Sara's departing back, wondering if it’s her who has brought this new light to me, this new feeling. The jading light is like nothing before. What is it? And more importantly, if it is her, then why does she bring it with her?
I no longer want to be here.
Closing my eyes, I instantly return home, manifesting a meadow covered in lush green grass with a single willow tree standing tall.
I position myself under the tree, resting against its cracked bark, and gaze upwards to see the stars dancing between the parting leaves. For a moment the disquiet surrounds me, and it’s almost as if something very big is drawing in a breath.
Then, with much urgency, I set on convincing myself that I’m not to go anywhere near James ever again. I have fulfilled my promise to Max. There is no other reason for me to see him, and I ignore the dull ache that that thought alone brings with it.
I know I feel for James, that without reason I am drawn to him. But, that aside, I have to see past it, rid myself of these feelings. The maelstrom surrounding me is repairable as long as I stay far, far away from him.
But even as I think it, doubt infects me.
No. I have to. It has to work, otherwise I’ll no longer know where my place is or what I’ll become with this change.
I’ll not be ethereal, nor human. Something different.
Maybe, something wrong. Something, very, very, wrong.
Chapter 3
Rule Breaker
I managed one day without going to see James.
One pitiful day which I devoted entirely to thinking of him.
It’s now been three weeks, two days and thirteen hours since the world as I knew it imploded and changed irreversibly. Because of him.
And for all this time, aside from when I’m tending to my duties, I have spent by his side. I guess you could say I’m keeping my promise to Max, and more so.
Every spare moment I have is spent with James, watching and learning all I can about him, about his life. But this is so very different from when I used to watch other humans. Aside from the feelings I now have, I’m interested in him. Not what I can learn from him, but just simply him.
I watch James work. That’s what I enjoy most. He’s a gardener. I have also learnt this is what he and Max did together. They have a landscaping business. Or I should say had. Now it’s just James’.
I regard with fascination how James tends to flowers and plants seemingly with great care and attention. It gives me an internal glow. He is very adept at what he does. His creations are incredibly beautiful. But one thing I have noticed is that he works a lot, much more than humans normally do. He’s out to work as soon as the sun begins to rise and doesn’t return home until the night sky forces him to. But it appears to be the only time he relaxes, the only time he’s at ease, when he’s outside with the plants. It’s as though he seeks solace in them. The rest of the time he just seems unhappy and restless.
I was by his side at Max’s funeral. I was really lucky to not have any brings to attend to at that time. But, if I’m honest, nothing could have kept me away from James then anyway, not even God himself. I had to be there for him, no matter that he has no idea of my existence or how I feel for him.
It was a bad day for James and for me. I found it extremely difficult to see him in as much emotional pain as he was. Not to be able to do anything for him caused me immense discomfort.
James seemed to want to conceal his grief, but I knew it. It was emanating from him so strongly that I could practically feel it, and I was staggered by the intensity of those feelings. Then it only proceeded to get worse when I had to watch others provide comfort to him, something I very much wished to be able to do myself. Sara was the main comfort provider and the feelings I had to overcome from that were almost unbearable.
Straight after the funeral I was called away to tend to my duties. I didn’t want to leave James and it was much later before I was able to return to him. I arrived to find him laid in bed, the room shrouded in darkness, his eyes open staring blankly up at the ceiling. He didn’t sleep at all that night and I stayed with him, wishing his pain away.
And in all of this time spent with James, the only thing I have managed to figure out is that I’m in trouble. Big trouble.
I haven’t found any way to rid myself of these feelings, and the emotional feelings I have for James seem to be growing with unbearable intensity. They are getting more and more out of control as time passes.
I’m finding the longer I have them, the more I’m not so sure I even want to rid myself of them. Frighteningly, I’m becoming accustomed to them, even though things are becoming increasingly difficult for me.
You see, I have all of these feelings but no way in which to express them, no way to release them. It’s as if they’re building up inside of me and I wonder what will happen when I reach boiling point.
It’s not like I can talk to Arlo or any of the other Bringers about this. I talk to James, often, but obviously he doesn’t hear me. A part of me wishes he could. A big part.
As time has gone on, I have also found myself feeling for other humans. Not in the same way, or with the same intensity as I have for James - I’m still yet to fully understand just exactly what type of feelings these are - but now, when I take a human to Heaven, it’s become increasingly difficult for me to witness them struggling to come to terms with their deaths. I assume I’m feeling compassion and sorrow, but I could be wrong in this. Also, the pain from the humans they leave behind seems to reverberate all around, striking me from all angles, nearly knocking me senseless.
Everything as I knew it to be is gone. I’m so very confused. I want these feelings, and I don’t. I want to be how I used to be, and I don’t. My rational thoughts are being overtaken by emotions and I have no idea of what to do.
Also I seem to be careless of how much time I’m spending away from home. I’m sure the others will have begun to notice my distinct absence. I know Arlo, above all, will have noticed. I am being completely, and utterly reckless. I know the consequences of my actions but yet I still continue on as I am. So far Arlo has not yet sought me out to speak about this, but I know it’s only a matter of time. What if he does whilst I’m with James? How would I explain that away? Honestly, I have no idea of what I am going to say to him when the time comes. What explanation I can provide? I don’t wish to deceive Arlo, but neither can I tell him the truth.
Truly, I wonder how long I can continue in this way. James is consuming all of me and I’m losing the distinction of who I am or what is right any more.
I’m standing outside Heaven, having just guided the human - Summer Sophia Davies - through. I have another bring to attend to soon but have some spare time beforehand. I can feel myself being pulled to James, something I am fast becoming used too. But no, I have to stop and start thinking rationally about my situation.
Instead of immediately going to James as I usually do, I stay where I am and take a moment to clear my thoughts. I glance around my surroundings.
It’s been so long since I just stood still and looked around the outskirts of Heaven. What a beautiful sight it is. The varying shades of pinks, blues, greens and purples, all blending genially into one another in sparkling enchantment. It makes me wonder whether, if the outside is as lovely as this, just how wonderful it is inside Heaven itself. I imagine it to be glorious. How lucky those humans are who are granted entrance to it.
For a tiny moment, I begin feel more like myself, how I used to be before all of this. Then my mind immediately slips back to my woe.
Okay, so what I need to do is divide my time more evenly. It won’t solve my problem, but it will help not to arouse the suspicions of the others if I am at least around them more than I currently have been. I shall go now and see Arlo, spend some time with him. Then later I shall go to James. Easy.
I arrive to find Arlo with Rosamund. They are both standing amongst the throngs of humans at BC Place Stadium in Vancouver.
The realisation hits me like a dull thud.
It’s the Winter Olympics. Arlo and I always watch together and it’s been running for a few days now. I cannot believe I have forgotten this. I never forget anything.
Arlo will note my absence with curiosity.
“Lucyna,” he practically smiles my name, “it’s been some time since I saw you last.”
And as I look at him, I instantly see him in a whole new light. Never before did I realise how truly beautiful a being he is. My vision was previously dulled by my lack of feelings, but now I’m equipped with them and this been the first time I’ve seen him since it happened.
“I know, Arlo. I have been busy. I have been venturing around the globe in search of new and wondrous sights.”
I just lied.
Lied.
Where did that even come from? I didn’t know I was capable of such a thing. I’m covered with shame. I daren’t look at either of them for fear of giving myself away.
“I can understand that,” Arlo says nodding. “Rosamund and I have just been watching the wondrous sports on display here.” He casts his arm around.
“Hello, Lucyna,” Rosamund says.
“Hello, Rosamund,” I reply, in return.
Arlo turns to me. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to attend this year.”
“I would never miss this,” I answer a little too quickly. I force a smile onto my lips, hoping to be convincing enough. But then, why would Arlo ever have reason not to believe me? He wouldn’t. That very thought sickens me.
Suddenly, the crowd of humans erupt into cheers as one of the competitors wins a race. The sound is practically thunderous. Oddly, it fills me with a warm glow. I quickly cast it aside, fearing Arlo and Rosamund will notice.
Rosamund shakes her head. “I shall never understand these humans. They are so competitive with one another.”
“Rosamund, this is something humans appear to like very much,” Arlo says, without taking his eyes off the ever-growing crowd which is gathering around the victor. “It appears to make them happy.”
I’m suddenly bothered by Rosamund’s words. If she thinks this way, then why is she even attending? She doesn’t usually.
Then a terrifying thought strikes me. Does she know about me? About James? Is that why she is here?
No, that’s ridiculous. Of course she doesn’t know. She can’t know . . . can she?
“Yes, that is an obvious fact,” Rosamund replies, interrupting my inner conflict. “But they are such fickle creatures. I shall never understand them, and I do not wish too.” She waves her hand dismissively.
I look away, pretending to be distracted by my surroundings, not wanting to be part of this conversation, knowing I no longer share her thought processes. Or did I really ever?