The small porch of the guest house they rented was clean, with potted flowers giving the place a homey feel. Even the steps were swept clean. Addy gave our daughter so much. I’d never be able to give her what Addy could. But I wanted to give her everything in my power.
Before I hit the top step, the door swung open, and Addy stood there, glaring at me. That should have been the first thing I worried about: what I was going to say to fix this. But that wasn’t what caught my attention.
She wasn’t wearing a bra. Her much larger breasts were crammed into a top that wasn’t quite big enough to contain them. God help me, I wanted her naked.
“Why are you here?” she snapped.
I had to shake my head and force my eyes off her tits to regain focus. Looking up at her angry face helped. I didn’t want her angry at me. I had to find a way to make up for last night and the shitty way I’d handled things. But she needed a bra. A potato sack would be even better. “I came to talk,” I said.
“Talk,” she said, not moving from the door, a look of steel on her face. That only made her hotter. A mad Addy was not a scary one.
“Can I come in?”
“No,” she snapped.
I was going to have to do better than this. “Addy, I’m sorry. I was an asshole last night, and I would like to talk about what happened. Please.”
That softened her up a bit. I could see the anger she was using like a shield slip some. She bit down on her bottom lip and took a step back. That was a good sign. “OK. Fine.”
When she turned to walk back inside, I took the moment to enjoy the view of her ass. It was a jerk move, but her body was so filled out now, and I hadn’t seen it naked looking like this. The body I had once claimed as mine no longer looked the same, and I wanted to see more of it.
“Would you like a drink?” she asked, glancing back at me.
I jerked my gaze off her butt to shake my head. “No, I’m good, thanks.”
“OK, then, talk.” She looked at me with a directness I wasn’t used to from her. Lately, she hardly looked me in the eyes. But then I’d brought that on myself, too. She motioned for me to take a seat on the sofa, and she sat in the chair across from it.
I wished I’d come more prepared. I had made a rushed decision to come over once she wasn’t at work, but now that I had her alone, I didn’t know where to start. She looked annoyed. Again, I wasn’t used to that.
“What happened in my office, I handled that wrong. I got caught up in the moment, and then your words brought me back to reality. For . . .” I paused, because this next part needed to be worded carefully. Upsetting her now wasn’t a good idea. I doubted she’d give me another chance to rectify things. And for Franny’s sake more than anything else, I needed her to like me. Trust me. Again.
“The past ten years vanished, and it was just us. You were . . . mine, and I lost my head. I was back there in that time when you trusted me and you were the reason I woke up every morning. My head was slow catching up with my heart or emotions or whatever. I just handled it all wrong. When I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I’d taken a step too far.”
Addy’s gaze dropped to her lap as she twisted her hands. I’d have given anything to know what she was thinking. I replayed what I’d said in my head, hoping it sounded the way I’d meant it to. Downplaying what had happened between us wasn’t what I wanted to do. Not with Addy. Because I had been lost in her at that moment and wouldn’t take it back.
“I think I got lost, too. You were just River for a moment. So I understand.” She lifted her gaze to meet mine, and I saw hurt there that twisted my gut. “But what happened in the kitchen? Why did you get so angry? Neither Brad nor I did anything to ignite your anger.”
Shit. Fuck. I didn’t have an answer for this, and if this was why she looked hurt, I hated that even more. The idea that she might have feelings for Brad just about undid me. I couldn’t handle it. No, we weren’t the Addy and River from our past, but hell if I was going to sit back and let her fall in love with another man when I’d been the only one she’d ever known.
That knowledge had kept me up all night. Addy had only been touched by me. She’d given herself to me, and she was still mine in that sense. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she had saved herself for me. In her heart, she belonged to me.
Fuck if that didn’t make me feel like a caveman. I wanted that. I loved it. I obsessed over it. And I wanted to keep it that way. Fact was, I couldn’t keep every Brad out of her life, nor did she deserve that. It wasn’t fair.
Especially since I was too fucked-up to be what she needed.
I knew she was waiting for me to answer her. I could lie. It would be easier on both of us. But I didn’t want to lie to her.
“I was jealous,” I said simply. Her eyes widened, and she didn’t say anything, but the surprise on her face meant that I needed to say more. She’d get the wrong idea.
“You’d just told me I was the only man you’d ever been with. Old feelings came roaring back, and I won’t lie to you, Addy, for a man, that’s intense. Especially when we had the connection we had. One that has stayed with me and changed the course of my life. Knowing you’d only been with me, well, that had me raw. When I heard Brad making you laugh, I snapped. The possessiveness I have no right to feel clawed to the surface, and I acted like a jackass. I shouldn’t have. I won’t again. I’m sorry.”