‘So what do they do?’
‘Listen, I gather. Ask the right questions, hopefully.’
For some reason Zoe was outraged. She snorted. ‘Money for old rope,’ she muttered.
His mouth tilted suddenly. ‘That sounds a bit harsh.’
Zoe waved that aside. Suddenly she was urgent. ‘Okay. Forget the radio psychiatrist. What would you have said to me if I’d told you that as a friend?’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘You mean, imagine we have a history?’
‘Yes.’
He pondered. She saw him reach a conclusion. He hesitated for a moment. Then shrugged.
‘Fine. I told you that night, if you remember. I gave you the full benefit of my considered advice then. You didn’t,’ he added with point, ‘seem to appreciate it.’
She flushed. ‘You said I was making a fuss about nothing.’
He had also said, ‘Find a stranger, do it once and forget about it.’ But she wasn’t going to think about that just now.
‘I might have been harsh,’ Jay allowed. He surveyed her watchfully. ‘I think you have to ask yourself why you are making such a fuss. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, after all. We all start out virgins.’
Zoe gave a startled little spurt of laughter, as if he had said something genuinely shocking.
‘I never thought of that.’
‘Well, hang on to it,’ he advised.
‘Yes, but—’
‘And it doesn’t matter what your friends think.’
‘It matters what I think, though. And I think I’m a fraud.’
She had never said it so baldly, not even to herself. She fell silent, feeling sick.
Jay’s expression told her nothing. He studied her as if she were an interesting specimen page for a long minute.
Then he said, ‘Maybe you didn’t go to bed with anyone because you weren’t in love.’
‘In love?’ She snorted with derision. ‘Now you’re really thinking I’m nuts.’
‘It is just conceivable.’
‘No, it isn’t.’
His eyes glinted. ‘Many people think being in love is indispensable.’
Was he laughing at her? Zoe’s chin came up and she glared at him, eye to eye.
‘That didn’t stop any of my friends,’ she said deliberately. ‘Did it stop you?’
His expression did not change. But somehow she knew that she had struck home. She could feel his withdrawal, though physically he did not move a muscle. The elegant body still lounged there as casually as if they were old, old friends who bared their souls to each other all the time.
‘No,’ he said at last. His lips barely moved. His voice was light, level. ‘No, lack of love didn’t stop me. Maybe it should have.’
Zoe looked ironic. ‘Don’t do as I do, do as I say? Thanks for the insight.’
He looked irritated. ‘Look, this is no big deal. It’s a just a physical thing you go through. Like—like the pain barrier when you’re running. It’s not the reason you do it, but it happens. You get through it.’
‘Wow, sounds irresistible. Come to bed with me and I’ll get through it.’
Jay grinned. But he said, ‘I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. For some men it would be a great compliment.’
‘Yeah. The sad sickos who see virginity as a trophy. Like I’m going to do a deal with one of them.’
‘We’re not all like that. There are men for whom it would be—’ he struggled to put his feeling into words ‘—a great sign of trust. Respect. Even love.’
Zoe looked at him oddly. ‘Oh, yeah? Respect, huh? Do your girlfriends respect you?’
He stiffened. ‘I hope so.’
‘And how many of them have been virgins?’
‘None, as far as I know.’ He thought about it, and added involuntarily, ‘God, I hope not. No, I’m sure not. I’ve never been—’ He stopped.
‘A sad sicko who sees it as a trophy?’ supplied Zoe, half- weary, half-triumphant. ‘See what I mean? Catch Twenty- two.’
He got up and began to move restlessly round the room. ‘I don’t believe it. There has to be a solution.’
‘If there was, don’t you think I’d have found it?’ flashed Zoe. ‘I’ve been pretending like this for five years. Ever since I was the last eighteen-year-old virgin in Muswell Hill. Short of a miracle, I’m stuck like this for life.’