Nurse made a grunting sound. "There is no milk," she said.
"That proves nothing," said my mother. "You must feel her."
I felt my bowels grow weak. I did not know what was coming, but I was suddenly frozen with fear.
"That's right, Miss Jessie, you be still now," said Nurse. "This won't take a minute.
Nurse won't hurt you."
Sarah eased her hand away from my face. I stared, voiceless, as Nurse pulled up my shift. I shrank away from her, pressing myself into the bed, straining against the hands that held me. She placed her hand on my belly; it was dry and hot on my icy skin. Nurse grunted again, and then all my breath left me as I felt her other hand touch my sex. When she pushed her hand into me I tried to scream, but how does one scream without breath?
Blackness engulfed me and I sank into it.
___________________________
I woke with a gasp, sitting straight up in the bed; sharp pains stabbed me in my sides. I moaned and rolled over, pulling my knees to my breasts, tears flowing from my eyes. I couldn't remember what had happened for a moment; then I did, and I shuddered with disgust and horror.
I left the bed and with shaking hands poured water into the bowl and placed it on the floor. I squatted over it with one hand on the floor to hold myself up, and splashed the water onto myself, trying to wash away the feel of Nurse's probing fingers. My tears ran down onto my breasts and my belly, splattered onto my legs.
I was almost too weak to stand, but I fumbled my way to the wardrobe and found my dressing gown, and pushed my arms into it, tied it around my waist. Then I returned to the bed and lay down on my side, sobbing, wailing, smothering my cries in a pillow. I could not stop it.
Where was Robbie? How soon would he come for me? When would he return to Brianag and find my letter? He must come soon, or I must die.
I suppose I must have slept fitfully throughout the day. The room was hot; at times I found myself gasping for air. Once I vomited into the basin. Sometime, perhaps it was after dinner time, Lily brought a bowl of broth to me and I took it from her; but I could not stop weeping. She left the tray on the table beside my bed and went away.
In the middle of the night I realized that I was listening for the sound of a horse's trot; a sound that would announce Robbie's arrival to me. I would go to the window and he would call to me and he would come in the door and push my mother out of the way and come up the stairs and lift me in his arms and carry me away to Brianag.