It seemed to Helena that she had nothing to live for; that there was
nothing to do except shiver back out of sight, and wait to die. For
the time was not yet when she should know that her consciousness of
sin might be the chased and fretted Cup from which she might drink the
sacrament of life; when she should come to understand, with
thanksgiving, that unless she had sinned, the holy wine might never
have touched her lips!
In these almost daily talks with Dr. Lavendar, the question of the
future was beaten out: it was a bleak enough prospect; it didn't
matter, she said, where she went, or what became of her, she had
spoiled her life, she said. "Yes," Dr. Lavendar agreed, "you've
spoiled what you've had of it. But your Heavenly Father has the rest,
in His hands, and He'll give it to you clean and sound. All you've got
to do, is to keep it so, and forget the spoiled part." That was the
only thing he insisted upon: no dwelling on the past!
"I wish I was one of the people who want to do things," she told him
with a sort of wistful cynicism. "But I don't. I have no story-book
desires. I don't want to go and nurse lepers!--but I will, if you want
me to," she added with quick and touching simplicity.
Dr Lavendar smiled, and said that nursing lepers was too easy. He had
suggested that she should live in a distant city;--he had agreed at
once to her assertion that she could not stay in Old Chester. "I know
some nice people there," he said; "Ellen Bailey lives there, she's
Ellen Spangler now. You've heard me speak of her? Spangler is a
parson; he's a good fellow, but the Lord denied him brains to any
great extent. But Ellen is the salt of the earth. And she can laugh.
You'll like her."
"But what will I do when I get there?"
"I think Ellen may find something to keep you busy," he said
cheerfully; "and, meantime, I'll make a suggestion myself: study
Hebrew."
"Hebrew!"
"Or Arabic; or Russian; it doesn't matter which, your mind needs
exercise."
"When you said Hebrew, I thought you meant so I could read the Bible."
"Ho!" said Dr. Lavendar, "I think King James's version is good enough
for you; or anybody else. And I wouldn't want you to wait until you
can read backwards, to read your Bible. No; I only meant that you need
something to break your mind on. Hebrew is as good as anything else."