“Where were you tonight?” Glass asked wearily. It was like last year all over again. Ever since her father had left them, her mother had barely been around, staying out all hours of the night and sometimes sleeping through the day. Now Glass didn’t have the energy to be embarrassed, or even angry, about her mother’s behavior. All she could feel was a faint pang of sadness.
Sonja’s lips twisted into a gruesome approximation of a smile. “You have no idea what I’ve done to protect you” was all she said. “You need to stay away from that boy.”
“That boy?” Glass cringed. “I know you think he’s just—”
“That’s enough,” her mother snapped. “Don’t you realize how lucky you are to even be here? I’m not going to let you die for some Walden trash who seduces Phoenix girls and then abandons them.”
“He’s not like that!” Glass exclaimed, her voice growing shrill. “You don’t even know him.”
“He doesn’t care about you. You were ready to die to save him. While you were in Confinement he’d probably forgotten all about you.”
Glass winced. It was true that Luke had started seeing Camille while Glass was in Confinement. But she couldn’t blame him, not after the cruel things she’d said when she broke up with him in a desperate attempt to keep him safe.
“Glass.” Sonja’s voice quivered with the strain of trying to remain calm. “I’m sorry to be harsh. But with the Chancellor still on life support, you need to be careful. If he wakes up and has any reason, any reason at all, to revoke your pardon, he will.” She sighed. “I can’t let you risk your life again. Have you already forgotten what happened last time?”
But of course Glass hadnbly last forgotten. The memory of it was as permanent as the scars from the bracelet on her skin, something she would carry with her the rest of her life. And her mother didn’t even know the whole truth.
Glass ignored the guards’ strange looks as she passed the checkpoint and began crossing the skybridge toward Walden. Let them think she was off to buy drugs if they wanted. No punishment they gave her could possibly hurt more than what she was about to do.
It was late afternoon, and the corridors were thankfully empty. Luke would be back from his morning shift by now, but Carter would still be at the distribution center, where he worked sorting nutrition packets. Glass knew it was foolish—Carter hated her, and he would hate her even more once he found out that she had broken Luke’s heart—but she couldn’t bear to break up with Luke with Carter in the other room.
She paused at the door, absently bringing her hand to her stomach. She had to do it now. She’d already put this off so many times. She’d muster the courage to break up with him, then hesitate as the terrible words rose to her mouth. Next time, she always promised herself. I just need to see him one more time.
But now her stomach was growing noticeably rounder. Even on half rations, it was getting harder and harder for Glass to disguise her weight gain under the shapeless dresses that prompted snickers from Cora. Soon she would start to show. And once she did, there would be questions. The Council would demand to know who the father was. If she was still in touch with Luke, he would find out, and volunteer himself in some misguided attempt to save her that would only end in both of their deaths.
You’re saving his life, Glass told herself as she knocked on the door, realizing that this was the last time she would ever stand in this spot. The last time she’d see Luke smile at her like she was the only girl in the universe. Her own words of encouragement sounded hollow to her ears.
But when the door opened, it wasn’t Luke standing there. It was Carter, wearing nothing but a pair of plain work pants.
“He’s not here,” he growled, his eyes narrowing as he took in her flushed cheeks.
“Oh, sorry,” Glass said, taking an involuntary step back. “I’ll come back later.”
But Carter surprised her by reaching out and grabbing her arm, his hand clamping painfully over her wrist.
“What’s the hurry?” he asked with a sudden grin that made her stomach churn. “Come on in and wait. I’m sure he just got held up.”
Glass winced, rubbing her wrist, as she followed Carter inside. She’d forgotten how tall he was.
“Did you not have work today?” she asked in her most polite voice, perching on the edge of the couch where she and Luke usually sat. Her heart cramped as she realized she’d never be able to curl up against his shoulder again, or run her fingers through his curls as he lay with his head in her lap.
“I wasn’t in the mood,” Carter said with a careless shrug.
“Oh,” Glass said, biting back a criticism. If Carter wasn’t careful, he’d get demoted yet again, and the only position below the distribution center was sanitation duty. “I’m sorry,” she added, because she wasn’t sure what else to say.
“No, you’re not,” Carter said, taking a pull of an unmarked bottle. Glass wrinkled her nose. Black-market whiskey. “You’re just like all the other assholes on Phoenix. All you care about is yourself.”
“You know what, I should be going,” Glass said, moving quickly across the living space toward the door. “Tell Luke I’ll see him later.”
“Hold it,” Carter called. Glass ignored him and grabbed the handle without turning around, but before she could open the door, Carter reached over her shoulder and leaned forward to slam it shut.
“Let me go,” Glass ordered, turning to face him.
Carter’s grin widened, sending chills down Glass’s spine. “What’s the problem?” he asked, reaching down to rub his hands over her arms. “We both know how much you like slumming it down on Walden. Don’t pretend to be all choosy.”
“What are you talking about?” Glass spat, wincing as she tried unsuccessfully to break his grip.
He frowned, digging his fingers painfully into her arms. “You think you’re being so rebellious, sneaking around with Luke. But I’ve known plenty of Phoenix girls like you. You’re all the same.” Still holding one of her arms, he reached his other hand around and started to fumble with the waistband of her pants.
“Stop,” Glass said, trying to push him away, horror spreading rapidly through her veins. Then, more loudly, “Stop it! Let me go!”
“It’s okay,” Carter murmured, yanking her closer to him and wrenching her arms above her head. Glass tried to move away, but he weighed more than twice what she did and she couldn’t wriggle free. She thrashed around wildly, trying to jab her knee into his stomach, but she was trapped.
“Don’t worry,” Carter said, filling her ear with his sour breath. “Luke won’t mind. He owes me this, after all I’ve done for him. Besides, we share everything.”
Glass opened her mouth to scream, but Carter had pushed himself up against her chest, and there was no air in her lungs. Black spots danced before her vision, and she felt herself losing consciousness.
Then the door opened, and Carter jumped back so quickly, Glass lost her balance and fell to the floor.
“Glass?” Luke asked, stepping inside. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
Glass tried to catch her breath, but before she had time to answer, Carter called out from the couch, where he was already reclined in an attitude of calculated carelessness, “Your girlfriend wasgirh her br just showing me the latest Phoenix dance move.” He snorted. “I think she needs a little more practice.”
Luke tried to catch Glass’s gaze, but she looked away. Her heart thumped wildly with fear-fueled adrenaline and rage.
“Sorry I was late—I got caught up talking to Bekah and Ali,” Luke said as he reached down to help her up, naming two of his friends from the engineering corps who had always been nice to Glass. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked quietly when she didn’t take his hand.
After what had just happened, all she wanted to do was throw herself into Luke’s arms, to allow the warmth of his body to convince hers that everything was okay. But she’d come here for a reason. She couldn’t let him comfort her.
“Are you okay? Should we go talk in my room?”
Glass glanced over at Carter, summoning her anger and hatred for him to the surface, letting it boil her blood. She stood up.
“I’m not going into your room,” she said, forcing an edge into her voice she didn’t recognize. “Ever again.”
“What? What’s wrong?” Luke asked. He gently pulled on her hand but she snatched it away. “Glass?” The confusion in his voice was enough to make her heart throb.
“It’s over,” she said, shocked at the coldness in her own voice. A strange numbness spread through her, as if her nerves were shutting down to protect her from the grief that would surely destroy her. “Did you really think it was going to last?”
“Glass.” Luke’s voice was low and strained. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but could we continue this conversation in my room?” He reached out to place his hand on her arm, and she recoiled from his touch.
“No.” She pretended to shudder in horror, looking away so that he couldn’t see the tears in her eyes. “I can’t believe I let you take me in there in the first place.”
Luke fell silent, and Glass couldn’t help glancing back at him. He was staring at her, his eyes full of hurt. He had always worried that he wasn’t good enough for Glass—that he was keeping her from a better life on Phoenix. And now here she was, using the same fears she had once dismissed to turn Luke against her. “Is that really how you feel?” he asked finally. “I thought we—Glass, I love you,” he said helplessly.
“I never loved you.” She forced the words out of her mouth with such intensity, they seemed to tear out her very soul. “Don’t you see? This was all just a game to me, seeing how long I could go on before I got caught. But I’m done now. I’m bored.”
Luke reached up to take her chin, turning her face up so that their eyes met. She could feel him searching her for some sign that the real Glass was hidden deep inside. “You don’t mean that.” His voice cracked. “I don’t know what’s going on, but this isn’t you. Glass, talk to me. Please.”
For a "-1ing onbrief moment, Glass wavered. She could tell him the truth. Of course he would understand; he would forgive all the terrible things she’d just said. She would lean her head on his shoulder and pretend that everything would be okay. They could face this together.
But then she thought of Luke being executed—the lethal injection shutting down his body before it was released into the cold emptiness of space.
The only way to save Luke’s heart was to break it.
“You don’t even know me,” she said, jerking away from his touch, the pain of her grief slicing sharp and hot through her chest. “Here,” she finished, blinking back tears as she reached behind her neck to unhook the clasp of her locket. “I don’t want this anymore.”
As she dropped it into Luke’s hand he stared at her wordlessly, shock and hurt etched in sharp lines across his face.
She was only vaguely aware of running out of the door and slamming it shut, and then she was racing down the hall, concentrating on the thud of her steps across the skybridge. Left, right, left, right. Just get home, Glass told herself. Just get home, and then you can cry.
But the moment she turned the corner, she staggered and slid to the floor, both hands clutching her stomach. “I’m sorry,” Glass whispered softly, uncertain whether she was speaking to the baby, or Luke, or her own bruised and damaged heart.
CHAPTER 21
Clarke
The tension in the infirmary tent was so thick, Clarke could practically feel it pressing against her chest when she breathed.