“Good,” I nod, smiling. I don’t ask anymore. It’s best that we stay apart, I know that. But it still hurts inside. God it still hurts. But feeling is okay, I tell myself. I won’t hurt forever.
“So, girls, I have to tell you something,” Storm interrupts us and looks up at Dan. With a nod from him, she announces, “I’m leaving Penny’s. I’m going to open up an acrobatics school!”
Livie and I must be mirror images of each other with our jaws hanging open.
“But that’s not all, Dan just bought a house on the beach and he’s asked Mia and I to move in with him and I said yes. Well,” she rolls her eyes, “Mia said yes and what she says goes.”
There’s a moment of silence before Livie throws her arms around Storm. “That’s great, Storm!” She begins to cry again. “Oh, these are happy tears, really. I’m going to miss you so much.”
Bittersweet delight washes over me as Storm and I exchange a glance over Livie’s shoulder. I’m going to miss living next door to her. Everything’s changing. Everyone’s moving on.
“I was counting on that because,” Storm pushes Livie back for a moment and takes a deep breath, suddenly nervous. “The house is big. I mean, huge. Dan inherited money from his grandma. We have five bedrooms there. And … well … you two have become such an important part of our lives and I want it to stay that way. So we were thinking you guys could move in with us.”
I look from Livie to Storm to Dan. “Are you sure you don’t need therapy, Dan?” I ask with all seriousness.He only chuckles, pulling Storm close to him.
Storm plows on. “Livie, you can concentrate on getting that scholarship to Princeton that I know you’re going to get. Kacey—” she fixes me with a stern look, taking hold of my hands in hers, “—figure out what you want in life and go after it. I’m here for you every step of the way. I’m not going anywhere.”
I nod, biting my lip to stop myself from crying. It doesn’t work. Soon, I can’t see her through my tears.
My happy tears.
“Sure is going to be quiet without you ladies around here,” Tanner says, scratching his head as he sits down beside me on the park bench in the commons. It’s nine at night and dark. The movers are coming in the morning for our things.
“Like what you’ve done with the place, Tanner,” I say as I take in the tiny white Christmas lights strung through freshly pruned bushes. The gardens are weeded and cut back and there’re a few tiny purple flowers blooming throughout. A new barbeque sits next to a picnic table and, by the lingering scent of grilled meat in the air, I’d say the commons is finally getting some use.
“That’s all your sister’s doing,” Tanner mumbles. “Kept herself busy while you were away.” He leans back and settles crossed arms on his protruding belly. “So now I’ve got three apartments to fill. Yours, Storm’s, and 1D.”
Without meaning to, I peer over my shoulder at the dark window and sadness lingers. “You haven’t rented it yet? Trent’s been gone for months.” Saying his name makes my mouth dry up and a hollowness blossom inside me.
“Yeah, I know. But he paid for six months. Plus I was hopin’ he might show up again.” He picks at his fingernails in silence for a moment. “I heard the whole story. Livie told me. Tough thing for both of you.”
I nod slowly.
Tanner stretches his legs out. “Did I ever tell you about my brother?”
“Uh … no …?”
“Name was Bob. He went out one night with his girlfriend. Had one beer too many. Thought he was fine to drive. Hey, it happens. No excuse, but it happens. Wrapped his car around a tree. Killed his girlfriend.” I wait quietly for Tanner to continue, watching his hands fumble and his one leg jitter. “He was never the same after that. I found him hanging in Dad’s barn six months later.”
“I …” I swallow as I reach forward tentatively and pat Tanner on the shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Tanner.” That’s all I can say.
He nods, accepting my condolences. “It’s a terrible accident on all fronts. The wrong doer. The victims. They all suffer somethin’ fierce, don’t you think?”
“Yes, you’re right,” I answer hoarsely, concentrating on the tiny Christmas lights, wondering if Tanner needed two months of intense therapy to come to that realization.
“Well, anyway,” Tanner stands up. “I hope Bob’s at peace now. I like to think he met up with Kimmy in Heaven. Maybe she forgave him for what he did to her.” Tanner walks away with his hands in his pockets, leaving me to stare at the dark window in 1D.
And suddenly I know what I need to do.
I can barely dial Dr. Stayner’s number, my hands trembling. He gave it to me in case of emergencies. This is an emergency.
“Hello?” the smooth voice answers and I picture him sitting in a wing chair by a fire with his glasses sitting on his nose, reading a Shrinks Today magazine.
“Dr. Stayner?”
“Yes, Kacey? Are you alright?”
“Yes, I am. Dr. Stayner, I have a favor to ask of you. I know it’s probably an abuse of our relationship and confidentiality but—”
“What is it, Kacey?” I can hear the patient smile in his voice.
“Tell him that I forgive him. For everything.” There’s a long pause. “Dr. Stayner? Can you do that? Please?”
“I certainly can, Kacey.”
Stage Nine – Forgiveness
Chapter Twenty-Two
Waves lap at my feet as I walk along the shore line toward home, watching the sun dive below the horizon for the night. When Storm said “the beach,” I didn’t know she meant a property that backs right onto Miami Beach. And when she said “a big house” I didn’t know she meant a sprawling three story mansion with wrap-around balconies and a separate wing for Livie and I. Apparently, Grandma Ryder had her wrinkly fingers in the oil fields and her only grandchild, Officer Dan, made out like a fox in a henhouse.
We’ve been here almost five months and I still haven’t quite settled. I don’t know if it’s because it’s too beautiful to be real, or if it’s missing something.
Or someone.
Every night, I walk along the beach, listening to the calm waves lap up onto the shore, appreciating the fact that I can walk, and run, and breathe. And love. And I wonder where Trent is. And how he’s doing. If he’s found a good coping mechanism to help him heal. Dr. Stayner never updated me after that phone call. I trust that he passed on the message. I have no doubt about that. I can only hope that it has brought Trent some level of peace.
But I haven’t pushed further. I have no right. I’ve asked Livie a few times if she’s heard about Trent from Carter. Carter makes a point of calling Livie every other Sunday to check in on us and ask her how school is going. I think Livie really likes that. It’s like she has a father figure in her life to help fill the vast hole left after the accident. Maybe, in time, I’ll be able to talk to him too. I don't know …
Every time I ask about Trent though, she all but pleads with me not to hurt him or myself by reopening those wounds. Of course Livie’s right. Livie always knows what’s best.
I try not to think about Trent moving on with his life, even though he probably has. Thinking of him with his arms around anyone else only feeds the deep ache in my chest. I need more time before I can face that reality. And my love for him, well, I don’t know that it will ever fade. I’ll just move on with my life, a part of me always wishing he were in it. Moving on … Something I haven’t done since my parents died.