“Still bad?” He grinned and I almost lost myself in that smile. I hadn't seen him smile wide enough for his dimple to show in a very long time, I was glad for it now.
My teeth chattered and I nodded my head vigorously, I started to wrap my arms around my waist when I felt something, “Ha! I don't think he likes it much either.”
“What's he doing?”
“Come here.” I put one of Brandon's hands on my stomach and watched his face over my shoulder. His strong chest and abs were pressed against my side and I allowed myself to relax into him. My gummy bear continued on his kick boxing lesson for a few minutes, and I smiled at feeling him move inside me. I'd been so out of it, I hadn't even been paying attention to if he moved.
Brandon continued to stare at my growing belly, his hand slowly moving so the kick hit perfectly into his hand each time. “I think you're wrong.” He said softly.
“What do you mean?”
“I'll bet he's happy you're in the water. He's gonna be a little surfer when he gets older.” He smiled sweetly at me.
“Oh is he now?” I touched the other side of my stomach and spoke, “Hate to burst your bubble little guy, but Mommy doesn't know how to surf. Sorry.”
“I'll teach him.”
My heart kicked up in pace, this conversation with the way we were positioned was now too intimate. Brandon must have realized it as well because he dropped his hand and stepped back a few feet.
“So,” he said breaking the silence, “you said you think he'll be early?”
“Yeah. Did I tell you the Doctor said he was measuring big and developing quickly?”
Brandon nodded.
“Well there's that, and I mean, I know everyone's bodies respond differently to pregnancy, but I'm a lot bigger than I'm supposed to be. I'm afraid I'm gaining too much weight.”
“You still look perfect, nothing about you has changed except for your stomach growing out.”
“But I looked at pictures of other expecting mothers, and I'm as big as the women that are twenty eight weeks. And that was when I looked over a week ago when I was only twenty two weeks. I didn't even really look today,” I frowned when I realized how long it'd been since I paid attention to what was going on with my gummy bear. I didn't even know where my What To Expect book was anymore, “but this shirt is tighter than it was...I think I wore it the day before the funeral.”
“Harper, I promise you look beautiful. I honestly think you've looked more beautiful over the last couple months than I've ever seen you. And that's saying something. You're probably just going to have a big baby, I mean Chase was over six feet, it makes sense. Just be glad your son won't be short like you.”
I laughed, and it felt so good to laugh I wish it would have gone on longer. “Jerk.” I socked his arm pathetically. “I'm average height...kinda.” Brandon loved how small I was, since my body fit perfectly into his when we curled up with each other. But that didn't stop him or any of the other guys from constantly making fun of me and Bree for being short. It wasn't my fault Brandon was over a foot taller than me.
He held his hands up in mock surrender, “Just saying. Can you imagine having a boy that small? Girl, sure, but not a boy.”
“I guess you're right.” I smiled and reached out to interlace my fingers with his, immediately dropping my hand to my side when his look made me realize what I was doing, “I'm kind of tired, I'm going to take a nap.”
Brandon stared at me with an expression I couldn't name before he sighed and turned toward the beach, “I'll come with you.”
I stood there, heart aching, “This is why we can't do this. I can't be around you without slipping back into how we were.”
“I want –” He breathed heavily through his nose and dropped his head, fists on his narrow hips. “Harper,” he began again, turning to face me and stepping close, too close, “that should tell you something.” His big hands curled against my cheeks and I had to force my head not to respond.
When he was standing this close, I couldn't think clearly. Covering his hands with my own, I pulled them down and stepped away, “I can't Brandon,” tears started falling down my cheeks, “I can't handle this. Not right now.” He just died. The father of my baby just died. It didn't matter if I loved Brandon too, that would be a slap in the face to Chase's memory and his family. I started back up the beach and when I spotted Bree and Konrad watching us, took off running towards them.
Bree hugged me fiercely, when I pulled away she gave me a knowing look. I didn't ask what she thought she knew, just helped them fold up the blanket so the four of us could go out to eat. Brandon didn't touch me again, other than to hug me goodbye late that night. It hadn't been awkward during lunch, the movie or dinner, we still spoke and laughed with Konrad and Bree, we were just aware of that invisible line we had to make sure we didn't cross.
14
The front door shut and my heart started racing. I forced myself to remain calm and slowly finish getting ready for the day, but my body was aching to go downstairs. Brandon had come over every day since operation Get Bree and Harper Out of the House two weeks ago, and I’m reluctant to admit I craved the hours he was here. He tried to give me space by spending a good chunk of time with Konrad, Bree and Mom, but whenever I would glance up, his eyes would be on me and I always seemed to gravitate toward him. Having him near made my days better and chest lighter, as soon as he left for the night I’d struggle with anxiety until I could curl up in Chase’s old bed and grip one of his shirts that smelled like him. I felt pathetic, but I was getting a little better each day. We all were.
“Harper, you decent?”
My breath whooshed out of my body and I gripped the vanity counter. That voice. God, that voice was like home to me. “Yeah, I’m in the bathroom.”
He rounded the corner and handed me a mango protein smoothie, “If you already ate, you don’t have to drink that.”
I did, but I was already hungry again and greedily sucked down some of the delicious icy mix. “Thank you.” I said with a moan.
Brandon laughed and rubbed my stomach, “What’s up buddy?”
“He’s feisty this morning.” I took another sip and started braiding my hair over the top of my head and down to the side, putting the long length back in a messy bun before grabbing my cup again. “How are you?” My eyes met his in the mirror and he didn’t answer at first.
“I’m good.” His husky voice was soft. He offered his hand and helped me stand up, wrapping an arm around me, “How are you Harper?”
“I–I’m fine.” I glanced at his chest rapidly rising and falling, then his mouth and finally back to his eyes, “Thanks for coming today.”
“I’ll always be here.” His fingers brushed along my bare neck and he leaned down slowly.
“Brandon, don’t.” I pleaded.
He stopped abruptly and removed his arms as he took a few steps away, “I’ll uh, be downstairs.”
“Brandon.”
“Yeah?” His back was still turned to me.
“I can’t be with you.” I want to so bad, you’ll never have any idea how bad, “We can’t keep doing this to each other.”
“I know, I just…I know.” He sighed and walked out of my room.
“I love you so much.” I whispered once the door was shut.
After a few minutes, I walked downstairs and cursed myself for putting my hair up when my cheeks heated at the sight of him. He smiled softly and gestured for me to join him at the table where he was playing cards with Konrad and Bree.
“Morning friend.”
“Morning Kid.”
“Hey guys, good morning.” I rubbed my stomach and sat next to Brandon, when the other two went back to their conversation, I grabbed his hand and leaned into his side, “Please don’t be mad at me. I just can’t do it.”
He rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand, squeezed it and let it go, “I’m not mad at you, I’m frustrated that I can’t stop making you uncomfortable.”
If only you knew how much I wanted you to kiss me, “Don’t be hard on yourself. Let’s just go back to how we’ve been, okay?”
“Alright.” He attempted a smile and peaked at my cards, “Thank God we’re not playing with money.”
“That bad?” I grimaced but was glad for his change of subject and mood.
“Bad? Harper, you don’t even have a pair. So yeah, it’s bad.” He smiled wider and that dimple flashed at me.
My breath caught. If I was smart or selfless, I would ask him to leave right now and not come back. But I was the opposite of both, I needed him more than I was willing to admit to myself, and I wanted him here even if I had to ignore my feelings.
***
The hardest parts over the next month had been clearing out Chase's station at the shop, and packing up his room at each house. I found the ring he had been planning on proposing with, but couldn't bring myself to open the white box. I'd handed it off to Bree so fast, and she'd left the room before looking in it. Mom and Bree put it in a safe; we'd all agreed to keep it, even though I still refused to look at it. Other than those times, our hearts all continued to heal and grow stronger, right along with my little gummy bear. He and my stomach were both measuring bigger than the thirty weeks I was, as of today, and Dr. Lowdry was now positive I wouldn't make it the full forty weeks. Bree put a basketball in her shirt, and I was still bigger than that. I had frowned when I saw the picture, but everyone laughed and said I was the cutest pregnant woman they'd seen. My legs and arms hadn't changed a bit, my hips were not even a fraction of an inch wider, the only difference was my chest and stomach. To prove their point, they took a picture of my back, I looked like normal Harper again...until I turned to the side or faced front. We were all making bets for when the baby would be born, Mom said August twenty-third, Dad and I said September third – which was Labor Day – mostly as a joke, Brandon's vote was September fifteenth and Bree and Konrad thought I should have to go the full forty weeks plus some with October eighth. The majority of our time together was spent with at least one person's hands on me, since Gummy Bear was constantly dancing, rolling around and practicing karate in my belly.