“Her lightning bug jar, like the one’s in Dante’s room.” I felt my face heat. “I made her one. She didn’t like the dark, and I told her about Mamma and how she’d make us real ones.”
“Fuck, Lev,” Austin hushed out and came to pull my head in his arms.
“She’s gone, Austin. Ain’t she? She’s fucking gone.” I pulled away from my brother to look into the small pot where her jar’s glow sticks were held—gone.
All gone.
“We’ll find her. You know where she used to go before she came here?” I shut the drawer and nodded my head. Austin slapped me on the back. “She probably just needed some air, Lev. Shit, she went through a lot last night. She won’t be gone. She won’t have left you.”
I wasn’t so sure. Grabbing my keys from my desk, I looked at her side table and raced to its drawer. When I opened the drawer and found her poetry book was gone, along with the book I’d gotten her for her birthday, a part of me knew, it just knew, that she hadn’t just gone out for air.
She’d gone for good.
“Lev?” Austin pushed, waiting by the door. “Let’s go.”
I followed him out of the door, my hand in my pocket as it ran over the wooden beads I always had with me. And I prayed, I prayed on every single bead that we’d find her and that she hadn’t done anything to hurt herself.
I climbed in my Jeep and pulled out onto the road. The tension in the car was thick. I couldn’t calm. I just kept seeing her tortured eyes. Kept feeling her limp in my arms as I washed and held her in the bath.
I’d known she was hurt, was broken, but I never thought it ran this deep. I never imagined bullying could have been this soul destroying until Lexi opened the center. It made me realize how vicious some people’s words could be.
Austin stared out of the window as I drove to the alley I’d found her in. “You ever seen anyone get bullied, Aust? Like, real bad?”
Austin shrugged. “I saw kids get beat up or roughed around, but I think the kind of bullying Elsie went through is the kind that no one sees, yeah? The kind that fucks with your mind?”
“Yeah,” I rasped, remembering her telling me how Annabelle cornered her, imitated her and laughed in her face.
“Do you think her voice is different? Elsie’s, when she speaks?” I shifted in my seat. I could feel Austin’s eyes narrow.
“She does sound different, Lev, that’s a fact. But fuck, it ain’t nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not too prominent. And even if it was, who the fuck cares?” Austin paused. “Why? You think it is bad?”
“No!” I snapped, anger filling me. “I don’t hear it. I don’t see what people picked on her for. And at our age too. I never thought people did all the bullying crap past high school.”
“I think you can be bullied at any age, Lev. Age don’t have nothing to do with insecure fuckholes picking on others to make themselves feel better.”
I shook my head. “I just don’t hear her voice being different. I love it. I love nothing more than hearing her laugh, and speak… to say my name aloud.”
“It’s because you love her, Lev. You don’t see her imperfections, and if you do, you love her more for them.”
“I…I…” I stuttered, my face blazing with heat.
“It’s okay, kid,” Austin said quietly. “It’s okay to admit that you love her. It’s okay to open yourself up to allow yourself to love. You’ve fought getting close to anyone for too long. Elsie fucking smashed through that wall.” He huffed. “Funny for someone so timid and shy, for someone who doesn’t make a sound, to finally plow through your heart.” I stayed quiet, my heart beating too fast.
“I just want her back and safe. I ain’t sure I know what life looks like anymore without her in it.”
Austin’s hand landed on my arm as I parked up near the alley. “We’ll get her. Just see.”
Austin paid the meter as I ran into the alley, my feet pushing pavement, my eyes searching every inch. Hope sprung in my chest when I saw someone hunched at the far corner. “Elsie!” I called and picked up speed.
I heard Austin enter the alley, and I crouched down, recognizing the blankets I’d bought her. “Elsie,” I called again, placing my hand on the body. The person’s arm flinched and they woke up, an old man’s face looking up at me through fearful eyes.
I jumped back, standing straight with my hands in the air. “Sorry,” I apologized. “Have you seen a young girl, nineteen, with blonde hair in this alley?”
“Fuck off,” the man grumbled. I closed my eyes, losing faith, having no idea where else she would go. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out some cash and laid it before the man. He snatched it in his hands and I walked away, Austin shaking his head.
“She isn’t here?”
“No,” I replied, leaving the alley and running my gaze over the busy street. “I have no idea where she might have gone.”
“You brought her out for the day a while back, yeah?” Austin questioned.
“Yeah, we went all over Seattle.”
“Then we’ll retrace your path. Maybe she’s following those footsteps?” Austin stood before me. “It’s worth looking, Lev. Let’s just keep looking for your girl.”
I nodded my head, deciding to start at the original Starbucks. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t at the boat cruise, she wasn’t at the space needle. She wasn’t at the Ferris wheel, or the Italian restaurant, or even the poetry coffee shop. We searched for hours, until darkness set in and anywhere I thought she could have gone had been exhausted.
With nowhere else to go, I drove the Jeep home in total silence. I was tired and aching from trudging around the city, but more than that, I was devastated, devastated because I knew in my heart that she’d gone. But worst of all, I didn’t know if she’d simply ran away, or whether she’d done something worse, something I couldn’t save her from. I pictured the scars on her wrists and I couldn’t breathe.
What would I do if she’d finally gone through with it?
I pulled to a stop outside of the house and Austin went to speak. I met my brother’s dark worried gaze and I shook my head. “Don’t,” I rasped. “I just can’t, Aust.”