I’d seen girls looking at him as we walked, beautiful girls with confidence in their smiles. But he seemed not to notice them. If he did, he paid them no mind.
But he did to me. He showered me with attention. Attention I was sure I didn’t deserve.
Levi’s strong hand suddenly landed on my upper arm, pulling me back to the here and now. I felt his breath at my right ear before I heard his soft voice. “Look into the distance, Elsie. You see the mountain?”
Focusing on what was in front of me, I gasped when, in the distance, the peak of a mountain thrust through the white clouds shrouding it. The sight of its beauty made me lose my breath. With Levi immediately behind me, my heart leapt into a sprint, and butterflies swooped in my stomach.
“Mount Rainier, Elsie.”
When I stared at the mountain, I filled with happiness; so much happiness that, for a moment, it dulled when I thought about my life. This didn’t happen to me. My life didn’t have these things. I didn’t have these clothes and I certainly didn’t have these experiences. My days weren’t like this. This wasn’t me.
For a moment, the negative thoughts overwhelmed me, so much that my hands slipped off the rail and I wriggled free of Levi’s protection. I held onto my chest, feeling as though I could feel my mom’s arm hugging me close, her sad eyes telling me that no one would ever understand us, that we would always be alone. Annabelle telling me that no one would ever want me, that the minute I opened my mouth and spoke, they’d see me for the retard I was.
I couldn’t breathe.
Pushing past the people flooding the deck of the Needle, I aimed for the elevator, desperate to return to street-level. “Elsie!” I heard Levi calling my name, but I had to get away… I needed a break from all of this.
Reaching the elevator, I stood at the back of the line waiting to board. The elevator arrived within a few seconds and I stepped inside, just as Levi’s hand landed on my arm. I wanted to call out to tell him to let me go. But as I pushed to the back of the elevator, he wrapped me in his arms.
I heard people following us, but Levi held me tight, until my arms wrapped around his waist. The elevator began to descend. I gripped onto to him like he was my lifeline. Hearing the door open, I let him lead me outside. I let him lead me away, until his heavy arms loosened and I lifted my head to feel the wind. I breathed, I breathed and I breathed, until my racing heart began to slow.
One of Levi’s hands stayed on my back, and I turned, registering concern on his face. His head tilted to the side and he asked, “Elsie, are you okay?”
I shook my head, fighting the tears pricking in my eyes. I glanced at the crowd of people in the distance and reached up to hold tightly onto my locket.
Baby girl, we’re not as lucky as others in this life. There’s no place for us. They’ll laugh; they always laugh…
Squeezing my lids shut, I sucked in a breath and found myself pulled into the comfort of Levi’s chest. “You want to go home?” he asked, in a voice as soft as a feather.
I inhaled his warm scent and shook my head. I didn’t want to go back to the mansion where he lived. I… I didn’t know where I wanted to be, where I wanted to go.
Levi was watching me, and he placed his finger under my chin and asked, “Can I take you one more place?” He cast his gaze round us and said, “It’s getting dark, and there’s one last place I want you to see.”
I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure—
“It’ll be just us when we get there. We… can be alone, away from the crowds.” The gentleness of his voice soothed my panic, his acceptance of my behavior meant I would happily follow him anywhere.
Apprehension crept over Levi’s face, and I couldn’t bear it. After everything he had done for me, I wanted to see nothing but happiness on his face.
Reaching down, I took his hand in mine and nodded my head. Levi exhaled a long sigh of relief. Bending down, he pressed his forehead against mine. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. But he didn’t, he simply said, “It’s okay.”
The tension in my chest lifted in an instant. Two words, two simple everyday words rescued me from dark thoughts; spoken by the sweetest boy I’d ever met.
In silence, Levi took my hand and led me to the monorail that swept us back to the city. With every passing minute daylight faded. I kept tight hold of Levi, until we again headed toward the waterfront. Suddenly, a huge Ferris wheel hove into view, and I allowed excitement to trickle through my veins. I’d never been on one before, though I’d seen them, envying the kids whose parents took them to the fair.
Squeezing my hand, Levi led me to the front of the line after he paid. The man working the wheel took us to a pod and shut the door for us. Levi sat beside me and slipped his fingers through mine. I stared out of the glass and the wheel began to move.
My stomach flipped as we began to ascend. I was mesmerized by the forest of colored lights, gradually becoming overawed by the unfolding scene the higher we rose. I felt Levi shifting on his seat beside me. I cast a subtle glance in his direction. When I did, he was looking out the opposite side of the pod. His knee was bouncing up and down. His free hand was tapping on his thigh. I had seen many sides of Levi since I had met him—shy, timid, kind and soft—but right now he was frustrated, a side of him that was new.
I turned away, worried at what I’d done wrong, when Levi suddenly dropped to his knees before me, startling me. His face wore a serious expression, but I could see his nerves bubbling underneath. That scared more than ever.
He looked distraught.
He looked defeated and troubled.
I hated seeing him this way.
Lifting my hand, I pressed it to his cheek. Levi never seemed to shave, his olive skin always wearing a light spread of stubble. As soon as my palm touched his skin, his eyes closed and he nuzzled my hand. It made me breathless seeing him this way. When his hand reached up to lay over mine, my heart seemed to crack right down the middle.
I shuffled forward. His eyes snapped open, searing into mine. Before I could do anything else to soothe him, he brokenly said, “I’m scared of being alone.” I froze as those words left his lips. “I’m scared to let anyone in, because every time I do, they seem to leave or let me down.” He swallowed hard, and rasped, “I fight everyday trying to be normal, it was my biggest wish, to be able to speak to people with ease, but I’m tired. I’d given up thinking anyone out there was like me, who I could talk to without fear… until I met you.” I paused in breathing, then real panic took hold when he revealed, “Now, my biggest wish is to hear you speak. To say anything.”