“I bought her shoes. She needed them,” I told him getting some cheese from the party last night out of the fridge.
“She’s asleep. Because you told her to sleep in. She’s an employee and you’re not treating her like one. You’re blurring the lines. It’s a fucking nightmare waiting to happen.”
I wasn’t going to do anything to hurt her. “I’m helping her. She’s hurt, and I am showing compassion. Get some. It’ll do your cold heart good.”
“This isn’t about fucking compassion. It’s about you being attracted to her. I get that. She’s gorgeous and has the whole damsel in distress, sweet thing, going for her. You like to save people. It’s that damn heart of yours being too big. But this time, you’re dancing too close to the flame and you need to back the hell up.”
I was past the being too close to the flame. I’d been consumed. It had taken me under last night. No need to tell him that though. It would just send him over the top. “Are you hungry? We’ve got some good stuff in here,” I said changing the subject.
“What the fuck ever,” he said with frustration. “I can’t save you from yourself. I don’t have the time to try. I’m going to go get the shit done that needs done, then I need some space. You jump off that cliff if you want to. But while you’re making mistakes, try not to crush her in the meantime. She’s not like the others. Which is why you’re so damn attracted to her.”
I finished getting food out of the fridge and didn’t respond. When he turned to leave, I spoke up. “I won’t hurt her.”
He paused but didn’t look back at me. “You won’t mean to.”
Then he left.
I stared at the door that led to her room downstairs. Last night, I had checked out the yellow guest bedroom and thought about moving her up there. Near me. In a real bedroom with a real bathroom. Before I had finally fallen asleep, I’d decided it was a good idea.
In the light of day, I wasn’t so sure. If I was going to blur the lines, it was better to just erase them. Could I do that though? She needed saving. She needed someone to depend on.
I wanted to be that someone. It had been a long time since I wanted that. Maisie had been every nightmare a relationship could be. She was exactly like my mother. Selfish, vain, demanding, and a cheater. She needed men to want her. She was completely fucked in the head. When she’d broken things off she wanted me to beg her not to. She had wanted me to grovel.
I had felt like throwing a motherfucking party. Being free of her and the life I didn’t want with her was the best thing that had happened to me in a while. Coming back here hadn’t been so bad until I had to see my mother.
“I didn’t set my alarm. I slept later than I thought I would.” Beulah’s voice was soft and slightly husky from sleep. I had been so deep in my thoughts I hadn’t heard her come up the stairs.
“You needed the rest,” I looked down to see she was still wearing the socks I had brought her last night. “I got you some new shoes and socks as promised. But until you have to go somewhere just wear the socks. You look good in them.”
She glanced at her feet and laughed. “Thanks. I think.”
“Sit. I’ll fix you something to eat. There’s a ton of food in the fridge that the caterers left.”
Her head snapped back up and she looked at me with wide eyes. “You can’t fix me food. That’s my job.”
“I’m the boss. I can do whatever I want. And I want to fix you breakfast.”
The soft smile on her face should have scared me. It should have been a warning. But I wanted it. I wanted her. I didn’t give a fuck about our impossible situation. “Fine then. I’m starving,” she said as she walked over and sat on one of the stools at the bar.
“Did you sleep good?” I asked.
I wasn’t sure what she liked to eat. So I made her a plate of everything I put on mine.
“Yes. Thank you. For the shoes and socks. I should have bought some before now.”
The uniform was Portia’s doing, so she should have supplied shoes that fit correctly. I didn’t point that out though. I didn’t want to talk about Portia. She wasn’t here and for once I was at peace being home.
“How’s Heidi?” I asked instead.
“Better! I talked to her yesterday. She feels good and was cleared to go to the crafts room yesterday. That’s all she could talk about. Well that, and she asked if I could bring cupcakes today. I have them tucked away in the fridge.”
“You should take her some of the sweets that are left from the party.”
“Thank you. She’d like that.”
The love in her voice was real. That was what I imagined families should be like. I was an only child and my parents were never around when I was growing up. My friends all had similar lives. But what Beulah had was what I wanted as a kid. I wanted that unconditional love. I bet her mother was everything to her. I knew Heidi was. She had unconditional love from Heidi, and she gave in return.
“What was your mother like?” I asked before I thought that through. She may not be ready to talk about her mother. I didn’t look up as I back pedaled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think before I spoke. You’re . . . I just thought . . . I was wondering if she looked like you.” I almost said she was the most unique female I’d ever met. That had to be something her mother gave her.
Beulah smiled. It was a sad smile. Her eyes held memories I would never be privy to. They were good ones and I was envious of that. Even if she’d had to suffer the pain of that loss, she had memories that I never would have.
“She was amazing. I’m not saying that because she’s gone either. If she were still here I’d say the same. She worked so hard all day long our entire lives, but somehow managed to cook family dinners we ate together. When we were old enough to stand in chairs, she let us cook with her. Heidi helped too. She would wash vegetables or put the noodles in water to boil. Mom never acted like she was different. I don’t think Heidi knew she was until she started school. Even though she had to take care of Heidi she always made me feel just as special. I don’t know how she managed it. Doing it all alone, she gave us memories of lemonade popsicles on hot summer days outside, running through the sprinkler. I don’t think she ever got any sleep, but she always had time. Always had a smile. I never once saw her sad. She cried at my high school graduation, but they were happy tears she said. I think she was the most perfect human on this earth.”
Beulah’s eyes literally glowed with love when she spoke. I was almost jealous of her life and of a mom like that. But it was Beulah. I liked knowing she and Heidi had grown up like that. It explained a lot about her. I’d never met a girl like her because I didn’t know one with a life like hers.
“She sounds perfect.”
“She was . . . and thanks for asking. I miss talking about her. I think about her all the time. But I never get to talk about her. I’m afraid it will upset Heidi. She doesn’t understand completely, and she misses her too. So it’s . . . nice. Great actually. That felt good. She needs to be remembered.”
The tears that hadn’t fallen collected in her eyes and she gave me a wobbly smile. Again, I didn’t think. I found myself not thinking with her a lot, I just acted. Reaching over I pulled her into my arms and held her. She came willingly. Her arms wrapped around my neck and she laid her head on my shoulder. Nothing had ever felt this right. The missing piece I was always searching for clicked into place. And I was terrified.