I stared at Austin numbly, and he turned to the shadows to wipe at his eyes. It was strange, but I felt… nothing. Like my ruined heart was protecting itself from the final crushing blow of Austin’s rejection. Like I’d had a Novocain shot to numb my feelings.
My feet began moving back to the direction of my friends and, in the back of mind, I knew Austin was following behind me. As soon as I saw my friends, I sat down, threw an automatic fake smile on my face, and nodded and laughed at the appropriate times to the jokes my friends were telling. I could also feel Austin’s heavy stare, but I couldn’t bear to look at him.
I registered Rome returning to the table, looking for Molly, but that didn’t pull me from my stupor until I heard, “Rome! Rome! Help!”
Female screams from the house carried on the winter’s breeze, snapping me back to life. Voices murmuring and people rushing came next, and Austin, suddenly taking my hand in his, began running for the house, dragging me behind him.
As we approached the back entrance, I spotted people whispering and crying, people’s hands over their mouths.
Austin looked down at me and shrugged. But then we saw Cass, Jimmy-Don, Ally, and Reece, all pale and sprint into the house. The only person anyone would be alerting Rome about was… Molly!
Tugging on Austin’s hand, I began running to the back stairs, Austin pushing through the crowds to see what the commotion was about. Once inside, we rounded the door to the library, where my heart jumped into my throat.
Then everything seemed to move in double speed. Shelly Blair was standing against a bookcase, hand over her mouth and crying. Ally and Reece were in each other’s arms, Ally inconsolable in her tears, and Jimmy-Don was propping up Cass as she turned away from something on the floor.
The floor.
“No!” I heard Austin whisper, and I bent down through the throng of Tide players to see what was happening.
Blood. Lots of blood. And Molly. Molly in Rome’s arms as he rocked her, crying and shouting. But I couldn’t hear what was said. I simply couldn’t take my eyes off the blood.
The baby… I thought, and felt Austin wrap me in his arms, no care about who would see us like this. No care for the fact he’d just told me we were done. But nobody was even looking our way. The room started spinning, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why was everyone I cared about being ripped apart and taken from me?
It was like a switch flicked on inside me and the numbness returned. Why was the world filled with such sadness and pain?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lexi
Dear Daisy,
Weight: 83lbsCalorie intake: 400 250
I wish you were here. Lord, I wish you were here.
The last few days have been so hard, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality, on my eating… on everything.
Molly lost her baby. One of my best friends almost died. And to make things worse, she left us. She left without a word. We know she’s gone back home to Oxford, but she didn’t even tell us good-bye. Rome is distraught. We all are. And we don’t even know if she’s ever coming back.
And Austin… Austin is dealing drugs and back in with the Heighters. I never really see him anymore, he doesn’t want me, and I feel as though my heart is breaking, slowly, tortuously.
I wasn’t enough for him. My biggest fear realized.
I’m drowning in this, Daisy. The voice is my only comfort, and with each passing day, I surrender to him further. I never feel strong anymore. I can’t even look in the mirror. I hate who I see so much that I almost smash the glass with my fist just so I don’t have to face the fat, ugly eyesore staring back.
I jog miles a day, but it’s never enough.
My food intake is almost nonexistent, but it’s just never enough.
I am falling apart, Daisy.
Completely falling apart.
I miss you.
Why did you have to leave me alone?
A tear splashed to the page of my diary as I signed off, the watery ink running down the paper. I rolled my head to look outside the window and sighed. It was winter. Twilight. And all the stars were shining bright. Christmas break was officially tomorrow, and I’d be going home to nothing.
My parents had reluctantly gone away for my daddy’s work. They were gone for the next six weeks while he set up a new oncology ward in Mobile. They hated leaving me on the holidays, but they thought I was going to Texas with Cass for Christmas.
I’d lied. I was going to be alone at my parents’ house. And that was real good. I needed to be alone, away from people who might force me to eat.
It was a bizarre cocktail of happy and sad as I looked up at the night sky. Austin always stared at the stars. He would talk about them all the time while gripping my hand, pressing kisses to my skin. It always made me feel cherished.