Happiness burst in my chest at his words because I could see that he meant them, and I couldn’t contain my sobs.
Tears streamed down Austin’s face too and, pressing his forehead to mine, he said, “Pix, I need you to start eating… please. Will you try for me? I beg you…”
“I’m… I’m gonna try…”
“Then that’s all I can ask.”
Austin moved down to press the gentlest of kisses to my lips…
The voice in my head fell completely silent.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lexi
“Why did you never tell us, Lex?” Cass asked, her usual belligerent persona reduced to a timid little girl.
“I have fought this for so long that when I came to school, I wanted to make friends that didn’t know about my past.”
“We understand, sweetie,” Molly said and laid a kiss to the back of my hand. “But why didn’t you ever tell us about Daisy? About losing and grieving for your best friend?”
Shrugging, I lowered my eyes and said, “Daisy and I met in my hospital. We were both sixteen. She was as close to me as a sister. Hell, for years, she was my entire world. She understood what living with this disorder was like. We could build each other up, but we could tear each other down. We would support each other not eating, even encourage each other to starve. When she died, I just didn’t know how to deal with this illness alone… and I didn’t wanna burden you guys with my pain. I guess I thought that by throwing myself into cheerleading again, it could distract me. Help me… I was wrong.”
“You know we’re there for you whenever, forever, don’t you?” Cass said through her tight throat.Clearing my clogged throat, I said, “I do now… I do now.”
“And how did you get like this?” Ally asked. “How did you become… like this?”
I closed my eyes, just remembering that day. “I was cheering at school, and a guy I liked played for the football team. After the game, we were all stood around and he came up to me and said, ‘You need to cut down on the chocolate, Lex. You’re starting to get fat on your back.’” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was as simple as that. One throwaway comment changed my entire life. I went home that night mortified and told my momma I didn’t feel well and skipped my dinner. Five months later, I was hospitalized for severe anorexia nervosa and didn’t cheer again… until this past year.” I sighed and shook my head. “Guess I thought I was stronger than I actually was.”
I looked at the supportive faces of my best friends and said, “Although I acted as though I was this fun-loving girl around y’all, it didn’t mean I didn’t trust you. The fake persona, the gothic makeup, it was about my not having dealt with my disorder. It was my mask, my shield. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you. That I didn’t cherish your friendship.”
“The tears of a clown,” Molly said sadly in response. I closed my eyes. She got exactly what I was trying to explain.
“What the hell does that mean?” Cass said in her usual boisterous manner.
“Clowns paint expressions on their faces with makeup, don’t they? And we all know those expressions aren’t real, the painted on tears, for example. We all know he’s not really crying, that the tears are fake. No one can see the real face underneath the clown’s mask. He plays the part we expect because of his makeup: sad, happy, funny, etcetera. He disguises his true personality from the world. His makeup hides who he really is… Thus, the tears of a clown.”
Cass’s eyes welled with tears and she turned her attention back to me. “So if you’re not the fun and giggly Lexi we all know, if that was your clown’s mask… who are you?”
“I-I d-don’t know. I’ve been pretending for so long, I guess I’m still trying to work that out myself. I’ve changed too much to be the Lexi of my youth, and this disorder has defined me for so long that I’ve lost sense of the real me.”
Cass nodded and threw me a playful wink. “Then we’re gonna have a shitload of fun peeling back the layers and finding out who you are, Sexy Lexi!”
For the first time in a very long time, a free and genuine giggle came out of my mouth.
“We’re just happy you’re doing better,” Ally added, playfully shaking her head at Cass as she patted my hand.
Cass snorted a watery laugh. “Of course she’s gonna get better. She’s managed to get her hooks into Carillo, who’s friggin’ crazy about her. That guy is sin on sticks! Woof!”