“That’s because your stomach’s wilted away to nothing.”
I busied my mouth by taking a sip of water.
“That’s it.” Patti threw her napkin on the table. “I’m calling Kaidan. I know this has something to do with him.”
Her words poked me to life. “No!”
“Then I need you to pull yourself out of this,” she said. “It’s gone on long enough. For goodness’ sake, Anna! If I thought medication would work for you, I’d have taken you to the doctor already. You can’t give up. You have to continue putting effort into everything, especially school.”
“School is...” I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence.
“School is still important,” Patti insisted. “And so are you. There’s no floating through life; you have to stay alert. Your life has a purpose. Whether you’re called on to fulfill that purpose today or when you’re a hundred, you’ve got to be a productive part of society between now and then! Do you think I’m going to let you lie in bed for the next however many years?”
I shook my head. She was right. I had needed the past month to mourn, but it was time to try to get back to my life.
I eyed my plate and took a small, tentative bite of sweet potatoes. Flavors and scents brought back strong memories. The rich sweetness filled me with a longing for the love and comfort of my childhood. When I looked up at Patti, tears were leaving warm trails down my face.
“I’m sorry, Patti.”
“Sweet girl.” She choked up and came to me. As we hugged and cried together, I let myself feel all of the things I’d been avoiding. It was more than the insecurity of never knowing how Kaidan felt. It was about the unfairness of life as a Neph.
When I was growing up, Patti and I had done this thing every Thanksgiving where we’d take turns going back and forth saying what we were thankful for. Each time it became a longer competition, neither of us wanting to be last. It came down to the silliest details, ending up in fits of laughter. As we clung to each other now, I couldn’t help but be thankful for her.
I walked to the parking lot with Veronica and Jay on our last day of school before Christmas break. A cool wind blew, and I zipped up my jacket. We’d been taking turns driving to school. Today was Jay’s day.
He unlocked the passenger door from the outside and yanked it open with a creak. I wrestled with the lever to lean the passenger seat forward. It finally popped and the seat flew into the dashboard. I climbed into the back. I wasn’t sure when the switch had happened: me in the back and Veronica in the front.
As the line of cars crept out of the parking lot, we passed Kaylah and her group of friends. Kaylah wiggled her fingers at Jay and he lifted one hand from the steering wheel.
“You still like her or something?” Veronica asked. Green slipped out around her.
“Nah,” he said.
I looked back and forth between the two of them. Huh. When had that started?
I’d been obtuse when it came to my friends. That made me feel bad.
I leaned forward as much as the seat belt would allow. “Hey, guys? Can we hang out over break?” I asked.
Joyful relief poured into their auras, stabbing me with guilt.
“’Bout time.” Jay caught my eye in the rearview mirror.
“Yeah. Your toes are probably lookin’ shabby,” Veronica said.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so, you know, out of it.”
They were both quiet, glancing at each other as if drawing mental straws to see who would get to address the issue. Veronica lost.
“What happened on Halloween?” she asked.
“Kaidan and I agreed never to see each other again.”
“That kid totally messes with your head,” Veronica said. “I don’t like it.”
“Well, it’s officially over, and I’m ready to move on with my life, so yeah.”
Veronica sighed. “Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
I lifted my feet from the cluttered floor and curled them under me, making myself smaller in the backseat.
“Everything’s gonna be okay,” Jay said.
I swallowed hard and nodded at him in the mirror.
Christmas had come and gone with hardly a blip on my emotional radar. I half expected my father to call, but he didn’t. I wondered about him as much as I wondered about Kaidan.
A few days before the New Year I went to the mall with Veronica. Most of my winter clothes didn’t fit well and I needed a dress for the New Year’s party. Veronica loved shopping with me, because I let her pick out all my clothes, only now and then nixing something. But she figured out what I would and would not wear. I had cool clothes for the first time, and I liked how it made her feel good to see me dressed in outfits she’d chosen.
We went straight to her favorite store with the dimmed lighting and pop music blaring from speakers overhead. She sorted with expert speed through racks of shirts, clanging hangers as she went.
“Do you think Jay’s cute?” she asked. Her eyes concentrated on the clothes as if nothing were amiss, but her colors were going haywire.
“Um...” I had to proceed with caution. “Yeah, I’ve always thought he was a cute guy, but I’ve never had feelings for him or anything like that. Why? Do you think he’s cute?”
“No.” She stopped sliding hangers and looked at me. “I think he’s hot.”
We stared at each other for a second, and then we both started laughing, relieved to have it out in the open.