I woke up next to Seth, and for the space of heartbeat, I thought I truly was waking - waking up from an awful, awful dream about the Oneroi and everything else that had happened since Seth and I had broken up. He lay asleep in bed with the sheets tangled around him, his light brown hair glinting reddish in the morning sun. He slept only in boxers, and his chest looked warm and smooth and perfect for cuddling against.
His breathing was even, his posture still and relaxed. I drank it all in, all the little Seth details I'd been missing for months. I swore that I could even smell him. Did dreams have smells? This one did, I was certain. That soft woodsy-apple scent wrapped around me like an embrace.
After a few moments, he began to stir and sleepily open his eyes. He squinted at the light and rolled onto his back, stifling a yawn. I wanted to roll right over to him and snuggle against his warmth, telling him all about the nightmares I'd been having.
Then, I realized there was no way I could go to him. I couldn't move. Well, that wasn't exactly true. There was more to it than that. I just didn't have a body. I was an observer only, like the invisible camera I'd been with Roman and Jerome. This apparently was not a dream I was active in, and the realization of that drove home the terrible truth: this was still an Oneroi dream. I hadn't imagined them. I hadn't imagined Seth and me breaking up.
He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. It was such a familiar, nostalgic sight. Getting up was always hard for him, largely because of the bizarre writing hours he kept. He glanced over at the clock, which was near the direction from which I was "watching." His eyes passed right over where I would have been. Yes. I was just a ghost in this. But what was "this" exactly? Truth or lie?
The time on the clock - nine in the morning - must have been motivation enough for him to drag himself out of bed. Still in boxers, he stumbled into the bathroom, miraculously not walking into anything in his sleepy state. While brushing his teeth, he noticed a note on the counter. I immediately recognized the writing because I saw it all the time at the bookstore.
Went in early today to get a few things done and should be done by six. Bring Brandy by, if you can, to try on those shoes.
Love,
Maddie
Seeing Maddie's name jolted me out of the Seth Fantasyland I'd been living in as he went through his morning routine. Expanding my vision now, I saw changes to his bathroom - things that hadn't been there when we'd dated. Another toothbrush, for one thing. Makeup in the corner. A pink robe on the bathroom hook. On the books, Maddie was still sharing a place with Doug, but we all knew what the reality was. That pain that hadn't really left since my last dream grew tighter within my chest. She was all over this place. She had left her mark everywhere, everywhere in this space he and I had once shared together. I had been replaced.
Seth went through the rest of his routine, including a remarkably fast shower. He was notorious for staying in there forever while plotting some story line. I tried hard not to focus on the sight of him naked and wet and instead pondered where he might be going today. If it was just to write at the bookstore, he wouldn't have been moving so briskly.
He easily found clean boxers and jeans, but the hardest part of his day came next: what T-shirt to wear? When we'd been together, I'd loved watching this. I'd lie in bed - after all, I had no urgency to ever get ready - laughing while he deliberated and deliberated over his massive T-shirt collection. Each had its own hanger, displaying some bit of retro or pop culture novelty. Vanilla Ice. ALF. Mr. T cereal. He flipped through them all, studying each one carefully as his hand touched each sleeve.
Then, his fingers suddenly brushed against a sleeve longer than the others. His closet wasn't all T-shirts. There were a few sweaters and pullovers crammed into the sides. There was also a flannel shirt; it was what he'd stopped and noticed. Pushing the other shirts aside, he took the flannel off of its hanger and held it up, his motions almost reverent.
Even without physical form, I had the sensation of my heart going still. I knew this shirt. It was one he'd given me to wear a long time ago, the night I'd passed out at his place from too much alcohol. I'd met his family the next day, looking ridiculous with the flannel over my strappy party dress. Even while dating, I'd totally forgotten all about that shirt.
He held it there between his hands, and the look on his face...there was so much there, I didn't even know where to start. Seth was so good at keeping his expression neutral and could be extremely short-spoken when he chose. But here, alone, he was unguarded. There was sorrow on his face. Sorrow and regret. And when he held the shirt up and rested his head on it, I saw longing as well. The whole mood was rounded out with a sort of helpless resignation. He inhaled deeply and then hung the shirt back up. As he did, I caught the faintest whiff of tuberose blossoms - the leftover scent of my Michael Kors perfume. Seth had never worn or washed it again, I realized with a start. He'd just kept it like some sort of treasured artifact.
After that, he simply grabbed the first T-shirt his hand came across, without even looking. It was an old favorite of his, showing the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes. Seth's mood had shifted considerably, down to something a little more solemn and thoughtful than when he'd gotten out of the shower. My observations didn't go into his head, though. I could only judge by outside signs.
His reason for getting up turned out to be a trip to his brother's house. Like always, the elder Mortensen's home was chaotic, with small adorable blond girls running around, many of them shrieking when they saw their favorite uncle. He'd barely stepped inside when Andrea, his sister-in-law, came out to greet him. She wore a corduroy jacket with her jeans and T-shirt, her blond hair slicked back into a neat ponytail. She gave Seth a startled look.
"You didn't bring your laptop?" Andrea was as cheerful as always but appeared tired.
He gestured over to where his twin nieces, McKenna and Morgan, were playing tug of war with a string of Christmas lights. It was odd because Christmas was over a month away and also because the lights were plugged in, which seemed like some sort of electrical risk to me. Apparently Seth felt the same way because he hastily intercepted them and removed the string of lights altogether, amid much protest.
"I don't think I'll get much work done with these guys," he said dryly.
"Yeah," she admitted. "I can see that." She glanced at her watch. "Okay, gotta go. I don't know how long this'll take."
"No problem," he said. "Do what you need to."
She scurried out the door. I wanted to ask where she was off to but had no means. Again, I was reminded how out of the loop I was from the Mortensen world now. Once I would have known every detail.
Kendall, a precocious nine-year-old, solemnly walked up to Seth. "Uncle Seth," she said, "will you play Loan with me?"
Seth arched an eyebrow. "Loan? What's that?"
"It's where I'm the mortgage broker, and you come to get a loan for a house but don't have the money for a down payment." She paused. "We'll have to make a pretend income fax for you."
"Tax," he corrected. "And how about we go to the bookstore instead?"
She frowned. "I want to play Loan."
"They have real estate books there," he said. "I don't think we can play Loan without sufficient background."
"Okay," she conceded. "We can go."
Brandy strolled into the living room just then with her four-year-old sister in her arms. Kayla looked like she'd woken up from a nap and sleepily had her head against Brandy's shoulder. I loved all the girls, but something about Kayla always affected me more strongly.
"Go where?" asked Brandy, shifting Kayla's weight. Although she held her sister tenderly, Brandy had a dark cloud around her.
"To Emerald City."
Brandy sighed. "Don't you spend enough time there?"
"Maddie got a few pairs of shoes for the dress and needs you to try them on."
Brandy gave him a look that exquisitely expressed all of her feelings on that topic.
"Don't start," he warned, in as chastising a tone as I'd ever heard him use. Welcome to adolescence, Seth.
"Is Georgina working?" she asked.
Kendall looked up from where she'd been starting to color. In orange crayon, a blank piece of paper read "IRS."
"Yeah, can we see Georgina?" Kendall piped in.
Seth looked pained. "I don't know if she's there or not."
I didn't know either. I didn't know if this was a true or false dream. It felt true so far, but I didn't trust the Oneroi. Being an observer, I had to think I wouldn't be there. Certainly I wouldn't if this were true. I wondered what would happen at the store when I suddenly stopped showing up.
"I can just stay here while you're gone," Brandy said. "Mom doesn't mind if I'm alone."
"Then you can't try on the shoes. Which defeats the whole purpose."
After a carefully worded "discussion," in which Brandy suggested he just bring the shoes to her, she finally conceded. With the whole gang along, they had to take the Mortensen van, which Seth didn't seem overly thrilled about. But there was no other way to transport five girls, one of whom needed a car seat.
The troop arrived at Emerald City. Seth left the four younger ones in the kids' section, which was a wonderland of picture books, puzzles, and stuffed animals. Janice was working that area today and told him she'd keep an eye on the girls. Seth also put Kendall in charge of her sisters, with the bribe that he'd buy her some finance books.
That left him and Brandy to find Maddie, who was holed up in an office. Her face lit up when she saw them, and she practically flew from her seat to give him a quick kiss. Brandy scowled, and a troubled feeling burned within me. The love on Maddie's face was so obvious, so strong...anyone could see it. She made no attempts to hide it, even at work. I hated their relationship, but how could I resent her feelings? How could I resent her loving the man who meant the world to me?
"How's work?" he asked her, smiling fondly. Was that his way of showing love too? How had he looked around me? For some reason, I was certain he'd been different...hadn't he? I couldn't remember.
Maddie gestured to the desk she shared with Doug. "A little crazy. Yet strangely boring. I'm stuck on paperwork all day. Performance reviews."
"Hey, I'm stuck on paperwork every day."
She rolled her eyes. "Bad joke. And not the same at all."
"Try putting some sex and violence into the reviews, and they might go faster."
I was too disturbed by their banter to pay much attention to the fact that Maddie was doing my job. Brandy looked equally pained by the conversation. As Maddie and Seth spoke, I studied him further, trying to read his feelings. Yes, there was affection...yet, it reminded me a little of the warm indulgence he showed his nieces.
At last, Maddie produced a shopping bag full of shoes. Brandy's dress was hanging in the office, and Maddie ordered Seth to leave while his niece changed.
Just before he was shooed out, Maddie remarked to Brandy, "I'm glad this color looks good on you. I decided to do everything purple because of how great it looked on Georgina. I found some awesome flowers that go with it all too."
Oh, fucking fantastic. I had influenced the color scheme for their wedding.
Seth left, and I went with him. He wandered through the store, browsing through books - an activity he never tired of. Several employees said hello to him as they passed by.
Including me.
Seeing as the Oneroi had put me in dreams a couple times now, I shouldn't have been surprised. Except, whenever I was a character in the theatre of these dreams, I'd always had awareness of it. I'd watched me and felt me. Now, I saw myself approach Seth exactly the same way I'd seen Maddie and Brandy approach him. I was still objective. No inner connection. Again, just like watching a movie. I didn't entirely understand it, but nothing the Oneroi did should really shock me anymore.
"Hey," I (she?) said, shelving a couple books. They were copies of The Scarlet Letter, and I'd set them in new releases.
"Hey," said Seth, a weird mix of shyness and familiarity in his manner. "How's it going?"
"Not bad," I said. "Quiet day. Mostly just putting away books."
"You've got Maddie doing reviews."
"Yeah, well, I thought she could handle it. Besides, this dress is new. It'd be a shame to keep it hidden."
My watching self had already noticed the dress because that was second nature to me. It was a great dress but not necessarily one to wear to work. It was a silk sheath that stopped high on the thigh, with straps tying around the neck and a scoop neckline that showed a considerable amount of cleavage. There was no bra anywhere. I looked like I should have been clubbing, not shelving. Seeing as this whole vision was no memory of mine, the dress only furthered the fact that this was one of the lies. I wasn't afraid to tart it up, but even I had boundaries at work.
Seth seemed surprised at the dress but not unappreciative. "You should be hand-selling," he said. "Go outside with a book, and I bet you could push it on anyone."
"This dress might not work on everyone," I pointed out.
He gave me one of those little smiles of his, and I wondered if the other Georgina melted like I did. "The dress is only half of it. You're charming enough to talk anyone into anything."
I gave him a smile in return, one that was both cheery and sly. "Anything?"
The innuendo didn't progress because Kayla suddenly pranced over and wrapped her arms around Seth's legs. He scooped her up and glanced around. "What happened to Kendall? No finance books for bad babysitters."
My alter ego peered over toward the magazines. "Is that her?" I sounded uncertain, which was odd because when Seth turned to see, it was perfectly obvious it was Kendall. She was reading Forbes.
Seth sighed and called her over. She brightened when she saw me. "Hi, Georgina! You're so pretty today."
"Thanks," I said, beaming.
"You were supposed to be in charge," said Seth. "Go get the twins. Hopefully they haven't wandered out into traffic."
Kendall shook her head. "They're playing with puzzles." But she raced off nonetheless.
Kayla was staring around the store in that distracted way children her age had, watching the people and sights. Seth gave her a slight nudge. "What about you? Aren't you going to say hi to Georgina?"
Kayla glanced in the direction he indicated, looked me over, and then continued her survey of the store. It wasn't so much she shunned me or was repulsed by me; it was more like she was disinterested. I didn't stand out to her more than any other patron or even one of the shelves.
"One of her moods," said Seth apologetically.
Brandy surfaced, still annoyed by the shoes, but immensely happy to see me. The rest of the girls were rustled up, and after a bit more chatting, Seth and the nieces left me to my bad shelving. He'd continued holding Kayla in his arms, and she suddenly turned to him in all seriousness.
"When are you going to find Georgina?" she asked. Her voice was small and sweet. She rarely spoke, so I always loved the sound of it when she did.
He frowned, trying to open the van door with one hand. Brandy helped him. "We just saw Georgina," he said. "Inside."
"No, we didn't," said Kayla.
"We did. You snubbed her," he teased. "I told you to say hello."
"That wasn't Georgina. You have to find her."
"What have you been smoking?" Brandy asked, taking over to buckle Kayla into her booster. "That was Georgina."
Seth sighed. "Be careful with your choice of expressions."
The topic dropped after that, but as they drove back to Terry and Andrea's, a chill ran through me. Kayla knew. Kayla knew I was gone. This must be a true dream after all. We'd learned recently that she had the faintest stirring of psychic powers and the ability to perceive some things on the supernatural plane. She had a vague sense of my aura, and she'd realized that it wasn't me in the store. That's why she'd been so disinterested. It was also why I hadn't been inside that Georgina. It wasn't Georgina.
Then who was it?
With a sinking feeling, I immediately answered my own question. Who else would have an interest in looking like me and flirting with Seth?
Simone. Simone was impersonating me in my absence, I was certain of it. Son of a bitch. I couldn't feel her aura in this dream form, and no mortal could, period. Except for Kayla. Fuck. This was not what I needed.
The rest of Seth's day was uneventful, though he thankfully never ran into "me" again. Andrea returned, and it was then I learned she'd been at a doctor's appointment. She thanked Seth for his help, though it took a long time for him to leave, due to all the younger girls' good-byes.
Seth finally returned to his condo and spent the day writing, which was boring for me to watch. I didn't get why the Oneroi hadn't pulled me out yet. Sure, it had been disheartening to see that no mortal knew I was gone, but this dream hadn't had the devastating effects of the others.
Evening fell, and Maddie returned home. Seth, engrossed in his work, stayed at his desk until she found him and spun his chair around. She climbed onto his lap, wrapping her legs around him in a way very similar to what I used to do.
He smiled at her, wrapping his arms around her as well and returning her hello kiss.
"How was your paperwork?" he asked.
Maddie ran her fingers along the side of his face, that love radiating off of her. "Nonstop. Georgina left it all on me today. I don't know what was up with that."
"She said she thought you could handle it."
Maddie pulled a face. "More like she wanted to take the day off and prance around. Did you see that dress she was wearing? I mean, yeah, she can pull off anything she wants to wear, but that wasn't really work appropriate."
He laughed and pulled her closer. "I think Georgina thinks her wit and charm can let her get away with anything she wants."
"Yeah, well, she's not as funny as she always thinks she is," grumbled Maddie. "And all she got away with today was looking like she was trying to pick up some guy at the store."
"Wouldn't be the first time," said Seth with a shrug.
"What?"
"You didn't know? She sleeps with Warren all the time. Usually in his office."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Not only were the two of them mocking me, Seth had also told Maddie about my on-again off-again affair with the store's owner Warren. Doug had always had his suspicions, but other than Seth, no one else knew. I had never expected Seth to betray that secret.
"I had no idea," said Maddie. "And yet...I don't know. Maybe I did. I mean, everything she wears is kind of slutty."
"She sleeps around a lot. She'll pretty much go home with anyone." He paused. "She even tried it with me once."
"Really?" Maddie's eyes went wide. "What'd you do?"
"Nothing. I have no interest in that. I couldn't handle being with someone so easy. She'd probably sleep with all my friends while we were dating." He cupped Maddie's face in his hands. "Not that it matters. I have no reason to even go looking, not when I have the best thing right here."
He drew her to him, and they kissed again. It wasn't the earlier hello kiss either. It was deep and ardent, both of them eagerly trying to get as much of the other as they could. His hands gripped hold of the bottom of her tank top and jerked it over her head, revealing a black satin bra I was pretty sure I'd helped her pick out. Never breaking the kiss, his hands then went around her waist as he half-carried, half-stumbled out of the office and into the bedroom. They fell onto the covers, hands moving all over each other's bodies and kisses starting to spread beyond lips.
No, I thought, unsure if the Oneroi could hear me or not. No. I don't want to see this. Take me back. Take me back to the box. Send me to another dream.
But if they were there, they weren't listening. I had no eyes to close. I couldn't look away. There was no way to unsee what I was seeing. I'd experienced a lot of heart-wrenching things in my relationship with Seth, things that had hurt me so badly that I swore I wanted to die. But nothing, nothing could have prepared me for seeing him have sex with another woman. And it wasn't just watching the act itself, the way their naked bodies intertwined with one another and the cries of pleasure elicited in the height of orgasm.
It was the look on his face as he did it. There it was. The love I'd been searching for earlier. I'd thought before he only regarded her with a strong affection, similar to the fond love he had for his nieces. No. This was passion I saw on his face, the kind of love that burned so deeply, it connected two people's souls.
He was looking at her the way he'd once looked at me.
I had never thought it was possible. Somewhere, somehow, I'd been convinced that he loved her in a different way from me. Maybe their love was strong, but I'd felt certain it could never match what he felt for me. Ours was different. Yet, seeing them now, I saw that wasn't true. And when, at the end, he told her she was his world - just as he'd once told me - I knew that I really was nothing special. The love he had for me was gone.
And in the terrible, excruciating pain of that moment, I no longer wanted to die. There was no point because I was certain just then that I had died - because surely, surely, Hell couldn't be worse than this.