J walked toward me with a fierce determination and my stomach fluttered. He had a feral look in his eyes and, fuck, it did things to me. “He’s right,” he said as he stopped right in front of me; so close, too close.
My brain couldn’t function properly when he was this close to me. His smell engulfed me and I wanted to reach out to touch him, taste him. It was too much and I tried to push him away but he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. Our bodies were touching now and I felt it not only physically, but also in my soul. He bent and breathed in the scent of me too. “Fuck, you smell so fucking good,” he groaned as he pressed even closer so that I could feel his erection against me.
My body took over and I reached my hand up to wrap around his neck while lifting my lips to his. Our eyes met and I could see the same need in his that I had. His arms encircled me, and he ran one hand over my ass before tilting his head and finally kissing me. God, it felt so good; his hands roaming over me, his lips and tongue devouring me, and a thrill ran through me. A deep and uncontrollable urge took over and I pushed myself right into him; I needed to get as close as I possibly could. My hands gripped his hair and I plunged my tongue into his mouth, kissing him hard. He groaned again and that sound set me off even more. Fuck, I couldn’t get enough of him. It had been so long without his touch and I needed more.
J suddenly pushed me away and raked his hand through his hair, looking utterly torn. “Fuck!” he sputtered.
I was still trying to get my wits about me; my brain was scrambled from that kiss, and I was confused about what Nash had said. I looked J dead in the eyes and demanded, “What did Nash mean by that?”
“Exactly what he fucking said, babe.”
I scrunched my eyebrows together, still not getting it, “You still want me?”
“Jesus, how many other ways do you need it said? I never stopped wanting you,” he replied in a gruff voice.
I threw my hands up in the air. “Well, why the fuck did you tell me to leave?” I yelled, starting to get angry.
“You needed to get out, get away from the club and all the shit that had gone down. You needed to deal with your drinking and I thought you could do that better somewhere else.”
“No! You don’t get to say that. That’s a load of shit, J. Tell me the real fucking reason,” I demanded. Deep down, I knew there had to be more to this, I always had but it was easier just to let it sit there in my subconscious rather than trying to work it out.
He was exasperated by my outburst and I momentarily wondered if I had pushed him too far. “I had to. The club... “ he was pacing wildly now, “The club needed you gone.”
“What?” I held my breath, waiting for his explanation. None of this was making a lot of sense to me.
He stopped pacing and fixed pained eyes on me; he was calmer now too, like he had settled something in his mind. “Baby, you need to know that I never wanted you to leave. But after what happened with Nix, the club swore blood and we needed you gone to be able to do that. There was no way Nix would give you up if you were still here so we arranged for that job with Gina and sent you away,” he came closer to me again and reached for my hand, holding it, “The only reason I told you that I didn’t love you anymore was to make sure you would leave. I did it for your safety, you’ve gotta know that. I did love you; I still fucking do.”
“No! You said you didn’t want me. I moved on!” I shouted, getting in his face. I was really angry now. How dare the club control my life like that, and how dare he give me up for the fucking club.
“Are you listening to me, Madison? Did you hear me say...”
I cut him off and shoved at him, “It’s too fucking late, J. You gave up on us, you took the club’s side like you always did. I didn’t need revenge on Nix, I just needed out from him and I was out.”
J glowered at me and took a step back. “Let’s get one thing straight, right now. I did not give up on us. And I did not fucking take the club’s side every time,” he thundered, “But babe, you’ve gotta understand that when the club rules like they did, I got no choice.”
I stabbed a finger at him, “And that right there, is the fucking problem! We never had a chance with the club controlling us.”
“Madison, the club ruled and I followed through. Jesus babe, you grew up in the club, you know how it works. Our problems weren’t to do with the club.”
“Well the club had a lot to do with them. The club, and its way of dealing with shit.”
He cocked his head to the side and studied me for a moment, “What exactly are we talking about now?” he asked, and I wished I had kept my mouth shut; I didn’t want to have this conversation today.
“J, this conversation is pointless...”
He came closer to me again, his breathing ragged and his face a picture of anger. Bending down to meet my eyes he spat, “I fucking tell you that I still love you, and you tell me this conversation is pointless?”
And just like that, the anger seeped out of me and all I felt now was desire. J had invaded my space and my senses again, and telling me he still loved me only heightened my craving for him. I knew I needed to get out of here; I couldn’t think straight when he was this close, and right now I really needed to sort through my conflicting thoughts and feelings.