Dad studied architecture at UT Knoxville, where Mom played softball.
When he was a boy, he loved poring over floor plans in house catalogs. He still loves reading those magazines today. He wanted to design homes and skyscrapers and bridges, but ended up working in the housing office at Franklin City Hall. And he’s fine there, because they pay him pretty decently and he doesn’t have to work terribly long hours. He had the opportunity to watch Ryan and me grow up. Mom got to stay home with us instead of having to work.
I remember taking a trip to Asheville, North Carolina, when I was twelve, and Dad was so excited to point out his favorite parts of Biltmore, this huge estate where the Vanderbilts once lived. He loves showing me diagrams of things like the Chrysler Building and the Shanghai Expo. His favorite building ever is the Pantheon in Rome, but he’s never been there.
He’s never been there because he saves all his money. He doesn’t want Ryan to work while he’s in college. He doesn’t want me to either. Dad’s made a lot of sacrifices for me and my brother.
If there’s one thing I want, God, it’s for Dad to take a trip to Italy. I want him to explore the Vatican and see the sculptures at the Medici Chapel in Florence. I want him to study the Bridge of Sighs in Venice.
I want so much for my father, Lord, because he wants so much for me.
Written while tucked under my covers on March 7. Burned.
When I don’t answer his texts, Brian calls my cell.
“Can we get together?” he asks, sounding upset. I can hear a hockey game in the background. Maybe he’s watching the Predators on TV?
“I’m sick of being in your truck.”
“Yeah?”
I whisper, “I deserve more than that.”
He hesitates for a long time. “I want more, but I don’t know what I can give you right now.”
Will, Will, Will. I want him. Just thinking of him makes my skin tingle, and I keep reliving that afternoon we spent napping in my bed. Wondering what might’ve happened if we’d kissed. I doubt we’d be close like we are now. It’s like relaxing during a long snow when the streets are so covered with ice, school closes. Things with Will have been sorta delayed. I’ve gotten a chance to settle in, to get to know him for him, and him for me.
Wild to think that, a couple of weeks ago, I wanted Brian bad. And I’m not sure I do anymore. Admitting this, I feel stress pulsing through me. And it’s not only because of Will that I’m thinking this way. It doesn’t feel right.
“Maybe we should be friends?” I ask Brian, my voice shaking like crazy.
“Come on, Park,” he murmurs. “We’ve got something.”
“But…”
“Yeah?”
I summon some courage. “I want you to listen to me when I talk. I want to do something other than sit in your truck. Am I even your girlfriend?”
He clears his throat. I listen to the hockey game in the background. “You know I like you and want you, but we can’t date for real.”
“Okay, well I guess that’s it then. I’ll see you at practice Monday,” I say, and as Brian tries to interrupt, I quickly add, “Bye” and hang up.
I’m proud of myself for doing that.
Aaron Pritchard and Matt Higgins and other guys had a thing for me, but I treated their feelings like they didn’t matter, believing that guys don’t mind one-night flings. I thought I liked Brian seriously. But the way he’s treating me sucks. Shame fills my heart, when I think of the guys I used to prove that I’m not like Mom.
On Sunday evening, Drew lets himself in the front door, carrying a bowl of popcorn and the Half-Blood Prince DVD. We decided to have a Harry Potter movie night at my house, because his mom recently started dating this guy, Otto.
Otto always wants to play dominoes. Drew and I have nothing against dominoes, but Otto takes the game very seriously and rolls his eyes when we start building fortresses and then knock them down with a catapult made out of a spoon and a salt shaker.
We curl up on the couch, and he lets me lean against him. Television light brightens the dim room.
“Ginny Weasley sure grew up to be a saucy minx, eh?” Drew asks, shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth.
I’m grinning. “So did Neville Longbottom.”
“You think Neville Longbottom is a saucy minx?”
“No, no. He grew up to be kinda cute. So did Ron.”
“Don’t you think Draco is hot in an evil way?”
“No way,” I say, shoving Drew with an elbow. “He must spend hours a day gelling his hair. I could never date a guy who spends so much time on his appearance.”
“I bet Coach Hoffman spends a lot of time on his hair. It always looks perfect, even if he’s been wearing a cap.”
“We’re not dating.”
Drew turns to look at me, giving me a hard stare that says he doesn’t believe me.
“It’s true,” I say quietly. “I asked if I was his girlfriend and he said we can’t date for real. I guess he only wants to fool around.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Not really.” What I want is a two-way relationship. “I hung up on him last night after I basically said I’m not hooking up again until he lets me have a say in what we do.”
“Good for you.”
“But it sucks because I thought he really liked me.”
Drew pauses the movie. “Some guys are straight-up jerks. You can’t do anything about that.”
“He’s not a total jerk…” He’s confused and down and wants to stay young. Nothing wrong with that, but I wish he would consider my feelings more.
Drew puts an arm around me and whispers, “Did you do it with him?”