Brutus had long since decided that work was a beast better left to others. There was a reason he had attached himself to Ivy, after all. It had taken a lot of training to make her even remotely adequate as his witch, and she still had a long way to go, but Brutus remained optimistic. If he couldn’t claw her into shape, no one could.
He wound away from the residence and out towards the main Order buildings. There was always fun to be had with the red robes. Initially he’d considered demanding a diamond-studded collar so that everyone would know who he was but collars tended to chafe. Anyway, within three days everyone knew him. If you wanted to remain scratch free, you either carried fishy treats or you stayed far away from Brutus – unless you were particularly dumb. Some humans couldn’t be trained, no matter how hard you tried. The floppy-yellow-haired one heading towards him right now was a case in point.
‘Brutus!’ Tarquin nudged his companion, who was already doing the smart thing and backing away. ‘You know whose familiar this is, of course. We were childhood sweethearts but I was bit too much for her. She couldn’t keep up with my pace so we decided to split up. She was upset about it, of course, Cried for weeks, but it was for the best. There are no hard feelings on my part. I even saved her life when I saved the Order. Between you and me, she’d leave Ipsissimus Winter in a heartbeat if I told her I’d take her back but I wouldn’t do that to him. That’s the kind of good guy I am.’
Tarquin crouched down. Brutus purred and knocked against his hands then leapt up into his arms. It was only when Tarquin had straightened back up again with an overly wide smile that Brutus acted, slashing out one paw and scratching him across his eyelid. Tarquin shrieked and dropped him. ‘You little furry bastard!’
‘You big slimy bitch,’ Brutus answered. He flicked his tail and continued on his way.
He paused in front of the library, debating whether to enter. The skinny, nervous one was quite adept at petting, not that you’d expect it to look at him, but he often got distracted by witches asking questions or by old books which caught his eye. Brutus liked the man but he wasn’t playing second fiddle to a pile of papers. Not for anyone.
In the end, he continued towards the study. The man would be delighted to see him. One day those other witches would create a warding spell that would keep Brutus out – but Brutus doubted that day would be today.
***
When he reached the man’s office, the door was closed. Brutus sniffed. Doors were made to be open; that was their raison d’être. Fortunately this one did its job, swinging backwards so that the tall, fit female could exit.
‘Thank you, Eve,’ the man said. ‘Will you be round later for dinner?’
She paused at the threshold. ‘Is Ivy cooking?’
There was a faint snort. ‘No.’
‘I could cook if I wanted to!’ Ivy yelled. ‘I have a microwave, you know. I’m just not going to be cooking tonight.’
Eve smiled. ‘Then, yes, I’d love to pop round.’ She glanced down. ‘Hey Brutus.’ She reached down and scratched him under his chin then sneaked a hand into her pocket and pulled out a crunchy biscuit. She placed her finger to her lips and Brutus nodded. He wasn’t an idiot; he was far more likely to get treats from others if he didn’t boast about the ones he’d already had. He snaffled it surreptitiously then made his way in.
Goody. The computer was on. Since becoming Ipsissimus, the man had designated certain areas to be magic free so that technology could be utilised and the Order could become more efficient. There had been some grumblings but the zones were clearly demarcated and there had been no explosions of any sort. Bit by bit, even the worst of the naysayers were beginning to admit that the new blood and new ideas which Ipsissimus Winter brought to the Order could be advantageous. Brutus thoroughly agreed; he leapt onto the desk and sat down on the keyboard. It was always warm and tingly, even if it did make an annoying beeping sound when he jumped onto it.
Ivy leaned down and nudged him off. He scowled. ‘Bitch.’ Then he immediately returned to the same spot.
She sighed. ‘Why can’t we have a normal conversation?’ she asked. ‘I know you’re capable of it. What have you been up today, Brutus?’
‘Food.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Come on,’ she coaxed.
Absolutely not. This was why he’d avoided long sentences around her before. She’d want to talk; she’d want him to talk. They’d both lose out on valuable sleeping and eating time. You’d think that Ivy, of all people, would understand that but she didn’t truly understand what it meant to be lazy, not like a cat did. It was an art form; it required dedication that even humans like Ivy weren’t capable of.
The man smiled indulgently and focused on Ivy. ‘I have a proposition for you.’
Brutus perked up. That sounded interesting.
‘A new job.’
Wait a minute.
Ivy seemed to think the same. ‘Hang on,’ she said. ‘Kind of you as it is to think of me, Ipsissimus Winter, I would hate for you to be accused of nepotism. It’s probably far better if I don’t have a job. I’m really quite busy already.’
Good girl.
The man held up a finger. ‘Hear me out. Your title will be Global Phantom Solutions and Assurance Strategist.’
Ivy paused. ‘That’s a very long title.’
‘It is.’
‘I thought you said that the more complicated the job title, the less there is to do.’
He tapped the corner of his mouth. ‘I did say that, didn’t I?’
Ivy grinned. ‘Do I get my own office?’
‘If you need one.’
‘I am the only person who can talk to ghosts,’ she mused. ‘I will be providing an important service. Can I have some staff to work with me? There’ll be errands to run and curses to cancel, after all.’
‘I’m sure we can work something out.’
Brutus tutted. Ivy obviously couldn’t see what the man was doing. It was basic manipulation; before she could say Global Phantom Solutions and Assurance Strategist, she’d be working several hours a day. Well, she’d only have herself to blame.
Brutus got up and headed for the door. It wasn’t as much fun here as he’d thought it would be. ‘Open.’ When neither human sprang into action, he growled and tried again. ‘Open.’ Then, for good measure, he reached up and started clawing at the door’s surface. One long good rake along that wood and the man opened the door for him. Brutus slunk out and the door closed behind him.
He took a few steps down the corridor then paused. Actually, this was a bad idea. If he left them alone now, there was no knowing what Ivy would find herself agreeing to. He had to protect her from herself. He twisted back again and sat in front of the door, albeit now on the wrong side. ‘Open.’ No answer. ‘Open.’
Still no answer. Yet again he was forced to resort to scratching. The door swung open but neither the man nor Ivy were looking at him. Their faces were glued to each other’s. It looked remarkably uncomfortable, not to mention unhygienic. The man kicked the door shut and Brutus had to rush forward to avoid his tail getting trapped. He wasn’t going to sit here all day while those two locked their lips together. How utterly ridiculous.
He turned back to the door. If they just left the damn thing open they wouldn’t have this problem.
‘Have I told you,’ the man said, ‘that I love you?’
‘Not today,’ Ivy breathed back. ‘And I’m sure I’ve already said it to you three times.’
‘I have a lot of catching up to do then.’
‘You certainly do, Ipsissimus Winter.’
Brutus rolled his eyes. Fine. He’d wait until they were done but he was expecting some damn good treats for his patience. He bloody deserved them. He hunkered down and curled up, wrapping his tail round him. There were important naps to be taken.