She nods. I don't know that she really understands, and her next question confirms that she doesn't. "Can you at least consider it, if I take the job?"
Wherever our relationship is, this is important to her. I'm not sure how to tell her there's no way I'm moving, but I also think that right now, until she has the job, it's a moot point. "Let's just wait and see what happens," I say again gently. "From what you've told me before, these interview processes can take a few weeks, right?"
She nods half-heartedly. "They want to have a candidate chosen by Christmas."
"You might go and find out you're allergic to skyscrapers or something," I joke.
"Yeah. Maybe. What does that mean for now? We're a couple until I get a new job?"
"I don't know that we've been a couple in the strict sense."
"Why? Because we haven't slept together in a few months?"
"Partially."
"This hasn't been easy on me either, Petr."
There's no safe answer, so I remain quiet.
"We were together, broke up, almost engaged … then Mikael didn't come back from Iraq and you came back …" She stops.
"Broken," I supply.
"I don't mean it in a bad way, Petr."
What other way is there to take it? We tried getting intimate this past summer, and she sort of freaked out about my leg. In fact, she sobbed more than I did losing it. It was then my suspicion about why she stayed with me was confirmed.
She feels guilty. Before Mikael and I went out on the mission that ended in an ambush, Brianna had broken the news to me she was seeing someone else. I had intended to return home after the mission and propose. She found out, probably from an infuriated Katya. Mikael didn't come home, and I was out of it for months afterwards.
I imagine Brianna did go through a lot. I just wish I'd been allowed to be apart of it or better yet, that she'd made some effort not to be quite as self-possessed as usual. One trip to the hospital during the four months I was there, a card, not breaking down when she saw my leg, something. I don't think it's too much to ask.
I'll never tell her so. I forgive more easily than Katya, and I want Brianna to be happy, whatever form that takes. I can read between the lines: she can't deal with my leg, whether from her own sense of guilt or the fact I'm not a whole man anymore. I'm hurting from her admission, but I'm honorable enough that I don't want her to be.