I shouldn't feel that way. I don't know why I do. It's confusing me when I need to be strong.
"I keep thinking of that night," Sawyer says hoarsely. "The ambush. The night Mikael died. Over and over …" He grips me tighter, as if afraid that night is coming back to get him.
I suck in a breath, torn between walking out now and knowing he needs me here.
"It's okay," I manage. "Just try to relax."
"Petr was point, the first into the village. I swear, the two of them had some sort of psychic connection. All our intel said it was clear, but Mikael -"
"Stop, please," I beg him. "I can't hear about that night!"
Captain Mathis lifts his head but doesn't release me.
My insides are churning. I had pieced together what happened listening to Petr's ramblings when he woke me from sleeping. I can't bear the thought of reliving those first moments from the time period after his return. The hollow pain that's been present since I arrived at the forest feels rawer tonight, closer to the surface. It's not the time to reminisce.
I can't bear the thought of holding Captain Mathis knowing what he's done to my family, but I can't let him go, either, not when he's as fragile as my brother was those first few weeks.
"Relax … lie back," I whisper. My throat is tight, and I can feel the tears on my cheeks already. "You're safe. You can sleep."
Captain Mathis releases me enough to slide down into the sleeping bag again. He takes me with him, and I wriggle and shift until I'm comfortable on my side. His arms tighten around me, keeping me pressed against him. My cheek rests on one of his thick biceps, and I'm far too aware of the muscular expanse of his chest to be comfortable. One of his thighs is slung over mine, ensuring our hips are together. I'm fevered from the intimate embrace.
I'm starting to think it was a mistake not to climb into the bag with him in my muddy, wet clothing.
Tremors go through him again, and I listen to his heartbeat. It's been a while since I've been held by anyone, even longer since I've had sex. I'm self-conscious about my back, and then there's the issue with Petr. I tend to not have very serious relationships. Most last a few weeks at most. Captain Mathis doesn't strike me as the kind who has fleeting relationships like I do. We aren't compatible by any stretch of the imagination.
Why the hell am I thinking about that now?