Jamie’s really scared, I can see it now. This isn’t the by-product of grief or guilt. He actually doubts Alexei. And that makes me doubt myself.
“But if Spence made it back to the island, then anyone could have done it,” I say.
Jamie laughs softly, as if it would be nice to be so innocent. “Do you know how hard it is to break a man’s neck with your bare hands — how hard it would be to do it to someone like Spence, who was big and strong and trained? Dad could do it. It would have to be someone like Dad.”
“Exactly! Alexei doesn’t have that kind of training!”
It’s supposed to be the perfect argument. This is supposed to be the moment that changes his mind. But, instead, my brother gives me a look that makes my blood go cold.
“Did Alexei ever tell you what his dad did before he came to the embassy?”
“No.”
“Well, I don’t know what it was exactly. KGB? Russian special forces? I don’t really know. I just know that … You know how, growing up, boys say things like my dad could beat up your dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, Alexei’s the only kid I never said that to.”
I try to remember the boys they were, how they used to laugh and play and run wild through the halls and down the streets, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t reconcile who they were against who they are.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying Alexei doesn’t have to be a murderer to be a killer. I’m saying that if he ran into Spence on the mainland that night …”
Slowly, my brother turns back to Spence’s things. He’s still trying to make them straight and even.
He can’t look at me as he says, “I don’t want you to tell me where he is, so I’m not asking. And don’t bother telling me you don’t know, because I don’t want you to lie to me and I don’t want to have to lie to anybody else. But know this, Gracie — you’re right. Alexei is the best friend I have ever had. And I don’t want to think this. If there were any way to convince myself otherwise I would have done it days ago, but — right now — I’m pretty sure he did it. I want to be wrong. But, Gracie” — Jamie looks at me — “I’m probably not.”
When I leave my brother, I can’t go to my room. There’s no way I can sleep. I leave the embassy, but Noah and Megan and Rosie are no doubt sick of me and all of my drama. They’ve earned a night off, and so I’m not really sure where I’m going until I feel the cobblestone streets give way to soft dirt. I check to make sure I’m not being followed, and then I’m climbing. Pebbles shift and muddy earth crumbles beneath my feet, but I climb faster. My breath comes harder than it should. I’m still too thin and too weak. My side is still tender, and I know that I am fragile, but that makes me move faster, careless on the uneven ground. I don’t care. I’d run if I could. And I’d keep running. Until I ran out of land.
When I see the clearing and the rocks I know exactly where my feet have led me. When Alexei emerges from the small crack in the stone, I know why.
“Hi,” he says. We are high in the hills that overlook the city. In the distance, the sun is setting on the far side of the sea, and I stand in the twilight, looking down on the great walled city. They call it one of the wonders of the world, but the walls I have built around myself are higher, stronger, deeper. They have kept me safe for years, but when Alexei moves toward me, I feel the stones begin to shift; the mortar starts to crack and crumble, and the walls that guard my heart grow unsteady. But I cannot turn and run away.
“What’s wrong?” Alexei asks.
I shake my head but can’t speak. I don’t want my voice to crack. It’s hard enough being vulnerable without letting anyone know it, see it, hear it. I can’t let this boy know how easy it would be for him to hurt me.
“Gracie, are you okay?” Genuine worry fills Alexei’s eyes, and I think that’s what finally breaks me.
“Is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“Did your embassy blow up its own car? Were they going to fake your death and send you back to Russia?”
He’s supposed to deny it, be outraged. But instead he says, “I don’t know.” It’s harder than hearing him lie.
“Did you see Spence back on the mainland that night?”
“No.” This time he’s emphatic. He takes two long strides and reaches for me, but I pull away. “Gracie, I swear to you that I got a ride home with some kids I didn’t know and went straight back to the embassy. I swear it.”
“Jamie says there’s a witness who saw you with Spence on the mainland. After the party.”
“There isn’t. Or the witness is mistaken. Or lying. I never saw Jamie’s friend again. Not after the island.”
I want to believe him. Really, I do.
“Gracie, would I lie to you?”
I never thought my brother would lie to me. Or my father. Or Ms. Chancellor or Grandpa or practically everyone else I’ve ever known. I never thought I would spend three years lying to myself.
The ground beneath me has been shifting for too long. My world is too unsteady. So when Alexei reaches for me again, I don’t try to pull away. I am looking for anything that might anchor me at last to solid ground.
“Say you believe me, Gracie. None of it matters if you don’t believe me.” He’s forcing me to look into his eyes. “What’s wrong?”