“Eventually, to heal and be able to move on, you have to stop thinking about her,” she told him softly.
Nick looked to the lights of Denver.
“I think it’s healthy, Nick,” she kept on and then assured, “And it’s not a betrayal. Honey, you know…” he felt her get even closer, “it’s been years.”
“There’s someone else,” he murmured.
“Good,” she replied.
He turned to her. “I can’t have her.”
Her mouth turned down. “Bad.”
Nick looked back to the night. “Maybe I should just get the fuck outta Denver and start over.”
“Well, although an option, I do think Kasha would pitch an unholy fit at the very thought. Kat wouldn’t be far from her sister in that, but she’d be quieter about it. And your brother would lose his mind.”
Nick loved that at the same time it felt heavy.
He also felt Anya’s fingers curl around his.
“But you have to take care of you,” she whispered.
He looked down at her and dipped his face close. “Could you fall in love after Knight?”
She was still whispering but it was fierce when she said, “Never.”
He felt that muscle in his jaw tick.
“But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t—” she tried to go on.
It was jacked as shit, but after their beginning and how Nick had acted out during it, now Nick couldn’t stomach even thinking about the idea of Anya with another man.
So Nick cut her off, “We should stop talking.”
“If you feel something for someone else, Nick, that doesn’t mean—”
“How about feeling everything for her?” Nick asked, definitely laying it out now. Laying it out for Anya and admitting shit out loud he hadn’t even admitted to himself. “When that was only supposed to be for Hettie. What does that mean?”
She looked confused again, and uneasy to the point of looking frightened. “It means I don’t understand why you can’t have her.”
“For her safety.”
“That makes no sense.”
He shook his head again. “Unfortunately, I can’t explain further.”
“No, Nick, what I mean is, there is no safer place on the planet for a woman than with the man she loves.”
Nick stared at his brother’s woman, unable to speak.
She jolted him out of his silence with just, “Nick—”
“I was right there and that place wasn’t safe for Hettie when they took her life,” he stated.
“Unfortunately Hettie isn’t here to confirm what I’m going to say but I figure she’d disagree,” she replied gently. “If her life had to be taken, you being there when it was was the only safe thing she had in her last moments.”
Anya was right. Hettie would confirm that. He knew it the way her eyes never left him. He knew, even unable to save her, he gave her something just by being there and her knowing he loved her and just how much as Harkin raised the gun to her head.
“Your new girl—” Anya went on.
“It wasn’t supposed to happen with her. It shouldn’t happen. It can’t,” he told her.
She glanced briefly toward the kitchen again before looking to Nick and declaring on a squeeze of his hand, “And those are the times when you know it’s real. When it shouldn’t be. When it wasn’t supposed to be. When you aren’t supposed to let it. And there’s nothing on this earth that can stop it.” Her tone went cautious. “Isn’t that what happened with Hettie?”
“This is different,” he shared.
“How?” she asked.
“As much as I love what you said, babe, I am the last thing that’s safe for this woman.”
“I don’t understand.”
“And I love that you don’t,” Nick said, jerking his head to the kitchen. “That means he protects you from that, Anya. You don’t feel it. All you feel is what he gives you to make you safe. But there are women out there who are not as lucky as you and we’re talkin’ about one of them. Life is complicated and it’s ugly and that ugly can be extreme. I got a job to do and she’s in the middle of that. If she knew she had a choice, she’d have the choice of ugly or uglier. And I’m the latter.”
“I know life is complicated, Nick, but love isn’t.”
“And my brother gives that to you too.”
“No, it’s just the way it is and you had a version of this with Hettie where you two had no business being together and neither of you cared. An agent and informant falling in love during a dangerous operation?” She shook her head. “You both knew that was risky for a variety of reasons. You both went for it. You had what you had and now I hope you’re glad you took that shot because the world made it so you didn’t have it for very long but at least you can rest in the knowledge that you both had the courage to go for it. What’s different with this girl?”
“What’s different with this girl is the same. I don’t handle shit just right, one, the other or both of us could get dead. I had that once, Anya. Not big on experiencing it again.”
She stared up at him.
Then she said, “Nick, honey, we really need to find you a girl who isn’t at risk of mortal danger.” She started to look comically desperate when she suggested, “Maybe we should all start going to church.”
Even in his mood, Nick couldn’t bite back the bark of laughter at the thought of Anya dragging him or his brother to a house of God.