I don’t even wait for Tristan to respond. I grab the sleeve of his shirt and tug him away. Cami yells something at us about being a tease and that we need to come back, but I keep on walking with Tristan in tow, refusing to let go of him until we reach the edge of the parking lot.
“I can’t believe you were seriously considering that,” I say, releasing the sleeve of his jacket.
He kicks the tip of his sneaker at the dirt. “I wasn’t really…I was just curious what’d she say for future reference.”
“You know she doesn’t pay in cash, right?”
He wavers, deciding whether he really cares. “Yeah, well, it didn’t hurt anything, did it?”
I opt to drop the subject and turn up the sidewalk that borders the busy street. We walk by hotels that are pretty much crack houses and by shops, heading toward another apartment complex that’s about a mile down the road. It’s hot, probably pushing a hundred and ten, and the heat dries out my skin, throat, and nose. The Strip, which is the main tourist area of the city, is a ways in the distance, soaring buildings and casinos that reflect the sunlight. When you walk down it at night they’re even more blinding because all the neon lights are turned on and blinking. I actually hate walking down the Strip at all. Too much going on and it doesn’t fit with all the fast motion going on in my head.
“So do you think Dylan’s going to catch on that I’m ripping him off?” Tristan asks as we pause at a curb, waiting for a car to get out of the way so we can cross the street.
I rake my hand over my head. My hair’s grown out and is sort of scruffy, like my face, since I haven’t shaved in a while. Things like that just don’t seem that important anymore. It’s not like I get any benefit from looking clean. It’s just a waste of my time.
“Does it really matter if he does?” I ask as we cross the street. “You don’t seem like you’re afraid of him.”
“Who Dylan?” Tristan snorts a laugh. “Yeah, have you seen how much weight he’s lost? And he’s always drunk or so doped up he can’t even spell his own name.”
“I think we all look like that,” I say, stuffing my hands into my pockets.
“I look fine.” He scowls at me. “You know, I don’t get why you do that. Why you always point out where we’re all headed.”
“Because I don’t think everyone should be headed there,” I tell him. “Besides, sometimes I don’t think everyone fully understands where they’re headed.”
“Well, no one really does. Not me. Not you. Not that guy walking down the street over there,” he says, pointing at a guy holding up a sign that says he’ll work for food.
“I think some of us do,” I disagree. “I just think some won’t admit it.”
“You know, you’re really killing my buzz,” he says, annoyed. “And I know the only reason we’re talking about this is because you’re spun out of your mind and can’t turn your thoughts and mouth off.”
“I know that, but still, I really feel like I need to say it.”
“Well, don’t, because I don’t want to hear it anymore.”
“I have to.” I can’t seem to find the off switch to my mouth, so I just let it keep moving. “I don’t get why you’re here. I mean, I know you weren’t the best kid ever, but still this whole drug thing…I mean, your parents care about you.”
“No, they care about Ryder.” His voice matches his aggravation. “And now that she’s dead, they only care about her more. So I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to. And what I want to do is drugs…it makes things so much easier.”
I understand what he’s saying way too well. I pause, a dry, hot lump forcing its way up into my throat. “I’m sorry.”
Tristan shakes his head, looking away from me and fixing his attention on the metal building beside us. “Stop saying you’re sorry. Shit happened. People died. Life goes on. I’m not here because of anything you did. I’m here because this is where I choose to be and because it makes me feel better about life.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I mutter, not fully believing him. More bricks of guilt pile onto my shoulders and it takes a lot not to buckle to the ground.
He returns his focus to me, his eyes a little too wide against the sunlight, his forehead beaded with sweat from the scorching heat. “Now can we please stop with all the insightful tweaker talk or I’m going to have to turn back and go do another line.”
I nod, even though I don’t want to stop talking, because then I’ll have to think. But Tristan stays quiet, muttering shit under his breath as he picks at his arm. My eyes drift to the skyline, where the tops of the buildings and the sky meet. When the sun sets and the sky turns pastel oranges and pinks, it’s actually really beautiful. It’s one of the few things I can say that about anymore. Everything else seems dark, gray, and gloomy. Nothing seems beautiful, not even the stuff I saw in the past. And my future, well, it seems pretty much dead, like I’m walking toward a coffin, ready to tuck myself in and pull the lid shut. Then maybe someone will do me the favor of burying me below the dirt, where I can stop breathing, stop thinking, stop noticing how beautiful it is. The only people who will miss me are drug dealers and the people I deal to sometimes. The more I think about it, the more I just want to throw myself out in the street, hope a car hits me with enough force for my heart to stop again, because there’s no point to it beating anymore. This has to be the bottom, right? There’s no going back up. This is it. Yet for some reason I keep walking, talking, breathing—living.
“Did you bring your knife, by chance?” Tristan asks as we round the corner of a single-story brick building that’s painted with multicolored graffiti and start to cut across the gravel parking lot to the side of it.
“Do you remember what I told you when you asked me to bring it the other day?” I say and he shakes his head, looking stumped. “That I don’t have one.”
Tristan sighs as he kicks an empty beer bottle across the ground. “I’m thinking I probably should have brought…” He trails off as a sleek black Cadillac drives up and slams on its brakes, stopping right in front of us, kicking up a cloud of dust in our faces.
The windows are tinted but I think I already know who’s in there. Trace and his guys.
Tristan instantly starts to back away as the doors open up, hitching his fingers through the straps of the backpack. Two large guys get out of the back of the car, their faces very familiar, and I remember meeting them once before. Darl and Donny, Trace’s pit bulls, sort of. The ones who do his dirty work.
“Shit. We have to go,” Tristan says, panicking and turning to run, but I don’t move. “Quinton, get the f**k out of here. Now.”
Donny is holding a tire iron, and as he strolls toward us he slams it into his palm with a threatening look on his face and I can’t help but think of Roy and the many other stories I’ve heard about drug deals gone wrong. Broken legs. Arms. Noses. It’s pretty f**king common. People get cranked up on crack and money and run on overactive adrenaline and emotion. They don’t think clearly. They cheat, they steal. Hell, I’ve done it. I knew I could get hurt. Go to jail. Die even. Regardless of the consequences, I don’t really care what happens to me. Tristan, yeah, but he’s already running off. Me, I couldn’t give a shit. Pain, bring it on. I deserve pain. I deserve nothing. Maybe this can be the car that runs into me and stops my heart. Besides, if I stay here, then maybe I can distract them from Tristan, give him a chance to get away. I owe him that much.
So I just stand there as Donny strides toward me, raising the iron rod like he’s about to hit me, while Tristan shouts something at me, racing for the sidewalk. I could try to protect myself. Pick up something and chuck it at him, even throw a punch at him. But I don’t feel like it, my heart steady in my chest, my arms resting calmly at my sides. I don’t move even when he swings the tire iron straight at my face. He does it again and again, then takes a break, but only to steal the bag of crystal I have in my pocket. Then he continues striking me.
Quinton, I love you…I swear I hear Lexi’s voice, but I might be tripping out.
I’m not even sure why I decide to give up at this moment. Maybe it’s because I think I hear Lexi calling to me or perhaps it’s that I’ve got so much methamphetamine racing through my bloodstream that my thoughts blur together and the good choices and the bad ones get mixed together and create confusion. Or maybe it’s just that I’m tired of fighting reality and I’m finally facing my future. The future I don’t have. Or maybe I’ve finally reached the bottom of my fall and I’m ready to walk straight on into that coffin.
Chapter 4
Nova
“Save Me” by Unwritten Law is playing from my iPod through the stereo speakers and the trunk of the Chevy Nova is packed with all the stuff Lea and I could cram in there, the backseat packed with our instruments. The rest of our stuff we put into a storage unit. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and there’s a long stretch of road before me. It’s the perfect day to be driving, but my heart sits heavy in my chest. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do when I get to Vegas. Just show up on Quinton’s doorstep? Knock and say Hello, I’m here to save you?
God, I sound so preachy.
Thankfully, Lea has an uncle who lives in Vegas. His name is Brandon and he said he’d let us stay in the spare bedroom for a few weeks; otherwise we’d have to get a hotel and we don’t have a lot of cash, since we both quit our jobs for the summer and are living on our savings.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” I turn the stereo down, but crank up the air. It’s hot and the backs of my legs are sticking to the leather seat and my hands are slippery as they hold on to the steering wheel.
Lea raises her head from the stack of papers on her lap, the one she’s been reading pretty much the entire drive, trying to figure out the best way to approach a drug user even though I tried to tell her papers she printed out from a random website won’t necessarily help her understand everything, just some things. “I already told you I was like a thousand times.”
“I know.” I tuck strands of hair behind my ear. “But I feel like this is all my fault.”
She shakes her head and returns her focus to the papers. “What happened between Jaxon and me has been a long time coming.”
“But I love you two together,” I say, pulling my sunglasses over my eyes. “It hurts that you broke up.”
“We were going to break up anyway,” she replies, sifting through the papers. “We’ve been talking about it for weeks. We want two different things…he wants commitment and he kept talking about moving in and getting engaged and me…I don’t even know what I want and until I do, I’m not committing to anything.”
I can’t help but think of the things I wanted from Landon, commitment and a future, and how he would never fully commit to either, which makes me wonder how long he thought about leaving this world.
I stare at the road ahead, which is lined by the desert and cacti. “It still hurts to think about it—you guys seemed like soul mates.”
“I don’t believe in soul mates.” She clears her throat multiple times like she’s fighting back tears. “But it hurts me, too, and I don’t feel like talking about it, otherwise I’ll start crying. Then you’ll start crying and I don’t want to have to pull over so we can have a bawling fest, so can we please drop it for now?”
I continue to drive down the road, trying to focus on getting us to Vegas, instead of thinking about Quinton and Lea and Jaxon, or how upset my mom’s going to be because I’m not coming straight home, but I think about it all. Lea and I don’t speak for a while and when I pull into the gas station just off an exit ramp to gas up, I finally decide to call my mother and tell her what’s going on. I’ve been avoiding the call, knowing she’ll worry, but I don’t want to keep things from her. Plus, she thinks I’m on my way home.
“I’m going to call my mom,” I tell Lea and then hand her my wallet out of my bag. “Can you put the gas in and pay?”
She puts the papers in the backseat. “Of course.” She takes the wallet from me and hops out of the car as I dial my mom’s number and roll down the window because without the engine on there’s no air conditioning and it’s hotter than heck.
My mom picks up after two rings and her voice is elated, like she’s super happy to hear from me. “I was just going to call you,” she says. “To see when you were headed home.”
“Oh.” I grip the steering wheel, nervous, my palms sweating. “Yeah, about that…I’m not coming straight home.”
“What do you mean?” She sounds hurt.
“I mean…” I trail off, clearing my throat. “Look, Mom, don’t flip out, but I need to go to Vegas for a few weeks.”
“Vegas?” she asks, now worried. “Why would you go there?”
“Because…I need to help a friend.”
“What friend?” she asks, but by her disapproving tone, I think she already knows, especially since she knows I’ve been looking for him, not to help him or anything, but to get him to sign the release form for my video project.
I release a breath that’s cramming up my airway. “You remember that guy Quinton that I told you about?”
She’s quiet for quite a while and when she speaks, she’s wary. “Yeah, the one you spent time with last summer, right?”